In the neighborhood of positive and effective communication, relationship trust lives right next door to relationship honesty. Justifying why you can’t trust, can’t be close and can’t be honest with your romantic partner gets old fast. But if everyone is after emotional intimacy, then why is interpersonal closeness as rare as sighting a dragon flying across the sky? When people try to get close to you, do you breathe fire? Do you back up and speed off in the opposite direction?
THE TRUTH ABOUT THE CHALLENGES OF RELATIONSHIP CLOSENESS
Relationship rules aren’t made to be broken. Honest and open communication is required if you are to be seen and heard and responded to as the proactive person you are. Here are some psychological truths about roadblocks that may stand in your way of risking relationship closeness:
1. I have difficulty trusting others with my true thoughts and feelings. Effective communication means you bare your emotional soul and expose your vulnerabilities to the light of day with your partner.
2. Honestly, I fear being seen as “too different.” Effective communication means you are true to yourself, even though you want to fit in and want approval from your social group and family.
3. I don’t want to make a mistake or repeat past mistakes. Effective communicators break from the rules of the past when they’re no longer working, especially when parents weren’t emotionally expressive or open with their children.
4. I know rules are made to be broken. Effective communicators don’t tell white lies of any size, especially when personal change is required.
5. I feel too pressured to relax. Effective communication doesn’t mean you are beaten down by internal or external pressures to “put on a good face” and live a false life devoid of intimacy.
6. I need to be the best I can be and come in first. Effective communication means that there are “wieners and losers,” but real people also win by revealing personal truths, struggles, strengths as well as weaknesses.
7. I must get past the pain fast. Effective communicators courageously share their personal pains and triumphs equally, realizing that talking about the pain may intensify it. But it’s through the sharing of real pain and joy that the price tag of deep emotional intimacy is paid in full.
8. Everybody wants the bargain of the day. Effective communication isn’t supposed to have many shortcuts, because you get what you pay for. For instance, it is unfair to expect your partner to love you when you don’t love yourself.
9. No one else is like me. Effective communication reassures the speaker that he or she isn’t alone, an alien creature, shameful and dreadful because of blaming emotions that bring a mood down faster than trying to swim while clutching tight onto an anchor.
10. I wear my mask and let you see only what I want you to see. Effective communicators are psychologically naked, open and flowing with those with whom they seek to build trust.
11. I don’t want to risk being transparent. Effective communicators know they alone control the choice to open up and be seen as a real person with real feelings and needs, independent from all others in their interpersonal relationships.
I JUST WANT TO BE LOVED
You cannot be true to others unless you are true to yourself. You cannot be emotionally close to others unless you risk transparency. You cannot feel peace unless you risk battling with a war of emotions. You cannot be loved by others until you learn to love yourself when you have no logical reason whatsoever to do so.
ABOUT PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP COACH AND FAMILY CONFLICT COMMUNICATION EXPERT DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.
Your personal relationships are groomed when you use positive and effective communication skills and tools. You can learn how to express yourself emotionally, in powerful and positive ways that build relationship bridges of intimacy, with those you care about and love. Emotional intimacy is one of the five types of intimacy, and can include friends, extended family members, adult children and even small children and grandchildren. How to go about it? Read the “let’s all talk” textbook that will change your communication viewpoint forever, called: “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone” available at this site and on Amazon.