YOU’RE RIGHT TO STEER CLEAR OF MR./ MS. WRONG
What’s it take for a good woman or man to find a good partner these days? Pure luck? Are all the good ones taken, as Negatalkers would have us think?
THE WRONG WAY OF FINDING MR. OR MS. RIGHT
Are you uneasy and gun-shy because you’ve had your own close call with identity theft and self-esteem death with your charming and disarmingly negative Cagey Communicator guy or gal. What to look out for if you’re a sweetheart of an open and honest communicator:
1. TWISTED THINKING. You never feel like you get a straight answer to a simple question, and even easy topics become complex psychological talk projects with Mr./MS. Wrong.
2. IMAGE IS EVERYTHING. Mr./MS. Wrong is a “nice guy or gal” who is an interpersonal politician who “invents an image” that is designed to sell others a “favorable” impression.
3. MAKES MESSES. If you trace his steps and actions, Mr./MS. Wrong makes one mess after another in her personal relationships.
4. BRINGS DOWN. Mr./MS. Wrong even has the nerve to complain about how people react unkindly to the very messes he makes in their living space. He brings good things down, and entices you to work harder and harder to try and make her happy.
5. HAMMERS YOU. If you question Mr./MS. Wrong or assertively stand up to him or her, you will be hammered down with all sorts of rationalizations and justifications about why she’s right and you’re wrong.
6. CLOSENESS PHOBIC. Mr./MS. Wrong lives by The Little Whorehouse movie musical lines: “Now you see me, now you don’t!”
7. CONFUSION. Mr./MS. Wrong flows and empties like a tide pool, while you get sunburned and feel confused…and then blame yourself for what went wrong.
8. A BOLD-FACED LIAR. Mr./MS. Wrong tells such big lies that you might just be tempted to think there’s some truth to them.
9. HYPNOTIZER. Just because someone says something don’t make it so! So don’t be hypnotized with reverse psychology, because what Mr./MS. Wrong criticizes as your weakness, is in fact a pure strength of leadership.
10. LAZY BONES. Mr./MS. Wrong thinks winning means that your try harder and put more energy into the relationship than she or he does.
11. A MAGNETIC PERSONALITY. How cute and quaint that Mr./MS. Wrong sells everyone on his appearance of normalcy and niceness, while making you feel crazy but intrigued.
12. QUICK TO BLAME. Justifying how “It’s not my fault, because people were doing it to me, so I couldn’t control it!” Fact is you have a control freak, an anti-change or rigid thinking junkie on your hands.
13. IMPLIED MESSAGES. What isn’t said, what’s left out of the conversation, and what’s implied in statements are hypnotic messages meant to wear you down into agreeing with his or her viewpoint.
14. TERRIBLE TWOS. When Mr./MS. Wrong can’t have his way, he will pout and shout about how unfair you’re being, and throw a temper tantrum that would put a two-year-old in stitches.
15. WEAR YOU DOWN. Mr./MS. Wrong doesn’t take no for an answer, and will like a sledgehammer wear you down with “logical arguments” until you stop standing up for yourself.
16. RUNNING THE TALK MAZE. Mr./MS. Wrong makes you feel like you have to run a maze to be close to him or her, until your head spins and you feel confused and have lost your way.
17. UNHAPPY. Mr./MS. Wrong is never truly happy, because it’s never quite good enough, and you could do much better.
DO YOU LIKE HIM AS MUCH AS HE LIKES YOU?
Is your energy being drained? Energy needs to be about equal in a positive relationship. Mr./MS. Wrong changes the score of the game, and the minutes left to play, because he OR she lacks integrity and he justifies unethical actions in business and romance. Do you like a good challenge? Well, then hook up with Mr./MS. Wrong — who is neither fun nor loving over the long haul.
ABOUT DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.
Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” O’Grady is a professional psychologist who has clinically researched how lonely it is at the bottom of the communication dating pool. Dennis has looked into a subgroup of negative communicators, called Cagey Communicators, who really can make a mess of things, and make a romantic partner feel as if “I should’ve seen through it.” Do opposites attract? Yes, opposites attract, but they don’t last. You shouldn’t have to work so hard to be emotionally close with someone, right? Giving shouldn’t be a one-way street. Image isn’t everything, because heart-and-soul is also needed, to make the communication body go. Actually, Mr. Wrong and Ms. Wrong both fit the personality and communicator profile above. It’s the hardest type to catch on to in the Land of Ozzie and Harriet and The Wizard of Oz. Are you abnormal? Aren’t you honest and open, what you see is what you get? Aren’t you an Empathizer who needs to take a stand and stand for positive relationships that hold people like you in an embracing hug? If you are separated or divorced, perhaps you’ve caught on to the fact that relationships shouldn’t be so much hard work that involves only one person being able and willing to drive the couple communicator car.