What makes intense emotions so hard to take? Demanding “You’ve got to calm down!” doesn’t help. Why? Giant emotions make you feel little. Sleepless nights of worry make you sleep-deprived. Acting strong can undermine your close relationships. Putting a happy face on sorrow can turn you into a fake. Staying confused will make you drive around in circles when you ought to be getting on down the Communication Highway. Sure enough, aroused emotions can “make you” feel like little David going up against huge Goliath.
WHAT MAKES MY EMOTIONS SO DIFFICULT TO HANDLE?
In the “Talk to Me” communication system, there are four modes of internal and external communication that can be used to calm yourself down when the winds of change are blowing hard. The talk modes are Emotions, Beliefs, Behaviors and Talks. It’s important to know how to manage your emotions to function better instead of reverting to negative actions that harm a relationship. Some emotional facts you must first face to lessen your fear of your emotions:
1. SQUASHED LIKE A BUG ON THE WINDSHIELD. As the country song tells it like it is, “Sometimes you’re the windshield, and sometimes you’re the bug.” Hard emotions hardly go away fast, and blur your vision on the speedy two-way communicator highway.
Downside: You will resort to controlling behaviors, such as raising your voice and acting frustrated and mad with your children or co-workers.
2. AFRAID THE OTHER SHOE WILL DROP. Emotions can scare you, especially when they don’t seem logically linked to any traumatic stress event. Loss also unleashes storms of emotions.
Downside: When you feel helpless or powerless, you will feel depressed.
3. A HURRICANE THAT WILL OBLITERATE YOU. Emotions have the force of a tsunami tidal wave or a hurricane, a force of nature that sweeps you away into oblivion.
Downside: You will try to run away from your emotions and hide; you’ll stop being the outgoing person you are.
4. WHAT IF THE BOTTOM FALLS OUT? This is when you feel your emotions are in control of you, and there’s nothing you can productively do to calm yourself down.
Downside: So you scold yourself for feeling what you do, create a worry avalanche with “What IF…” negative thinking, and get behind the harder you try to be in control of everything.
5. PULLING THE COVERS OVER YOU HEAD. Artificially controlling aroused emotions by shutting them out of your mind or giving them too much mind.
Downside: You have to stuff the emotions, like carrying a heavy backpack filled with rocks or filling up your trunk with junk.
6. REFUSING TO SPEAK, BECAUSE THERE’S NOTHING WRONG. Shutting down any attempted communication about your feelings, and putting a happy face on sad times.
Downside: You act aloof or withdraw from your relationships to spare others from feeling your hurt and pain, struggles or sorrows, which can blow up the relationship bridge.
7. SHUTTING DOWN OPEN COMMUNICATION LINES. This is avoiding emotions (“Is anything wrong?”) by shutting down communication (“No, not really!”).
Downside: You send the implied message that your partner isn’t important to you, which alienates and angers those who care about you.
8. EMOTIONS SEEM LIKE GIANTS BUT AREN’T REALITY. Intense emotions make you feel dwarfed by the giant of strange emotions, making you feel like a scared and helpless child, and misread how friendly reality just might be.
Downside: You may revert to comfort foods, bury yourself in work, stay busy until the feelings subside, drink too much, play too hard or play around or drive too fast.
9. EMOTIONS ARE BIGGER AND MORE POWERFUL THAN MY ABILITY TO HANDLE THEM. Simply put, that’s the myth that you must disrupt by turning and facing your emotions instead of running away from them.
Downside: The biggest justification for kids or adults alike is “I couldn’t help myself because I was so upset. What did you expect me to do? It (my emotions) were too much for me to take it any longer.”
Remember this: There are ways you can learn to calm yourself down when your emotions are churned up and dragging you down.
ARE YOU AN EMPATHIZER COMMUNICATOR OR AN INSTIGATOR COMMUNICATOR WHEN IT COMES TO HANDLING YOUR EMOTIONS?
Instigator communicators try to resolve emotions by ignoring the feeling and thinking of something else.
Empathizer communicators try to get past tough emotions by being tough and critical of themselves. Neither approach does enough to help you calm yourself down when you are feeling upset.
BUT HOW DO I CALM MYSELF DOWN?
I wish there was an easy answer to that question, but there isn’t. Of course, learning and using the “Talk to Me” system is one of the answers.
- For example, if you’re an Empathizer communicator, you will learn how to carefully move out of the rut of negative emotions to better meet your life needs.
- And if you’re an Instigator communicator, you will learn how to speak of your emotions, without drowning in unruly emotions, with the net effect that you will pull your partner closer.
Either way, as an E- or I-type communicator you will quickly grow in wisdom, compassion, less anxiety and greater peace of mind as the strong and empathetic man or woman you are.
ABOUT DAYTON PROFESSIONAL PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.
Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the author of three books including his recent positive and effective communication system found only in “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” Dennis is a corporate trainer, professional keynote speaker, personal executive coach and father to three daughters who know who they’re talking to by communicator type when relating to teachers and friends. Do you even know your type, and why on earth it matters so much in the selection of tools to use for controlling your mood? If you’re fed up with feeling down, if you’re sick and tired of feeling tired, if you feel like you’ve lost your way or that you’re running around lost in a maze of unsatisfying relationships each and every day then spend a few bucks on talk tools that make emotions easier to take. Try “Talk to Me” if not much is helping you to feel better about being the great person you are today.