It was six past midnight. A warm Florida breeze poured in through the open courtyard window, bathing my 86-year-old dying mom and me in the open arms of angelic comfort. Mom had been in Hospice care for a few days now. A broken hip-spill a month ago had a domino effect on her already frail health. A few minutes after midnight is a solid time to talk, in the timeless zone of a brightly blazing mother-son love.
Mom could hold hands, talk fairly clearly, but do precious little else. Although Mom could slowly lift her hand to scratch her nose, she soon decided against the feat, because it cost her body more energy than it was worth. So there I sat, exhausted. There I sat, praying my strength would last and my courage hold out. There I sat, wishing for a miracle. In the meantime, I would be true to the lessons my mother demonstrated to me over this lifetime.
I wasn’t in desperate straits. Mom and I were again lost in the pleasures of strolling down memory lane. We had enjoyed long talks over the years about a great many topics. Now, Mom was glad that I had flown in from Dayton for an in-person chat-a-thon. Ready or not, death was no longer playing hide-and-seek, but had shown up for good this time. “Ready or not, here I come!” death chanted amidst the leaves rustling in the wind outside her open window at Life Care. Ah, how sweet it is: Mom and I were blessed with many years of “good talking” together.
Mom liked to discuss passages before and after death, and talk about what was to come. While I was holding Mom’s hand, my face near to hers, she said in a hoarse whisper, “I have a message for you, Denny. It’s the strangest thing. I’ve never thought of myself as a messenger, or special, and certainly not any more special than the next person. But there’s a message for you, I need to tell you what it is. And I want you to tell the world about this: DEATH IS GENTLE.”
Death is gentle! Death is gentle? Death isn’t dark or heartless, cruel or unkind. Death isn’t a payback for your or my wrongs, or bad things done to good people. Death isn’t isolation, or a doorway marked Hell. Death isn’t destructive, or something to be chronically and constantly feared. Death isn’t hateful or spiteful. Death doesn’t leave you hanging, feeling hopeless and helpless, on a string about ready to snap, of broken relationship promises. No, those are things human beings do to other human beings in the name of being “right” or feeling all right when pain sears the brain.
Death is none of those things. Death is gentle. The message Mom gave me and you: “Death is gentle.” But that didn’t make it any easier for me to say good-bye to you, my sweet, gentle mother.
ABOUT PSYCHOLOGIST, SPEAKER AND AUTHOR DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.
Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D., is the author of Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone. Talk to Me is dedicated to Elizabeth Merrill O’Grady. Dennis is a loving son, brother, father, husband and psychologist who now fully believes “Death is Gentle.” Dennis can be reached at www.drogrady.com.