Mom practiced saying her final good-byes while in hospice care. I will recall her courageous words fondly the rest of my life. “We are the Three Musketeers, and we will always be ‘one for all and all for one.'” Then Mom corrected herself and added our departed dad back into the mix to make it “The Four Musketeers.” Then Mom, being the “leader” subtype Instigator extrovert, she further directed: “Here, let’s put our hands together on my chest, Al and Denn, and let’s together promise it for all time.” And so we did, as tears streamed down our brave mouths melting our adult faces and reality alongwith it.
TWO RIGHTS DON’T MAKE A WRONG
Mom would be the first to say she wasn’t perfect. But Mom’s optimism, faith and unconditional love and acceptance repaired my soul and my brother Al’s spirit during a harrowing two weeks of final goodbye-saying. Mom knew Al and I were falling apart here! She would say, “I feel really at peace, and in no pain at all, really.” But Mom had a hole in her back the size of a fist. Mom also knew my Achilles Heel: that my spirit wears thin from self-projected prejudice, ignorance, lack of awareness, and lame blame games. I don’t go for, “But I didn’t mean to do it. Wouldn’t you have done the same thing in my shoes? I had to take a stand and right that wrong, ya know.” Mom always said “Two wrongs don’t make a right.”
EMOTIONAL RESPONSE-ABILITY
Strip me naked, and I have a very clear set of instructions about emotional responsibility learned in my “talking with and watching” Mom. Here’s what Mom taught me to live by:
- Fly through foul weather like a duck.
- Sticks and stones can break bones, and words forever hurt.
- It doesn’t hurt to grease the skids with politeness.
- You can’t be false to others and true to yourself at the same time.
- Being decent and kind isn’t for the faint-hearted.
- Getting the last laugh isn’t ever very funny.
- Hypocrites smile in church on Sunday, and talk behind backs on Monday.
- Revenge is sweet and fattening.
- Hate is the little dictator you don’t want to salute.
- If you don’t live your own life, someone else will.
- Worrying is a waste of time, but that won’t stop you.
- Walk your talk or shut up.
- Being “right” is almost always wrong.
- Two wrongs don’t make anything right.
- Hate is the drug of the small mind.
- If you can’t get along, perhaps you should stop trying.
- What goes around comes around, including positive paybacks.
- A kind word never hurt anyone.
- No one can keep you down for long without your consent.
- True courage is being you in a roomful of fakes.
- The grass is always greenest where you take care of it.
- Look for the good in people, and you will find it every single time.
LOOK FOR THE GOOD IN PEOPLE, AND YOU WILL FIND IT EVERY SINGLE TIME
My second work, “No Hard Feelings,” helps one learn how to heal relationship resentments. It is the core of life lessons by which Mom taught me to live. “Lessons of Love” I would call them now.
LESSONS OF LOVE
In one of our sweet remembrances and sad goodbyes, Mom quipped: “Well, I think we’ve said all we need to say, haven’t we? So let’s just say Good-bye, Good Luck, and Good Lovin’!” She laughed at her last word twist on the WWII broadcast theme of Edward R. Murrow. I’m beginning to understand now what a loving soul you’ve always been, Mom. You are way ahead of the “I’m right and you’re wrong” excuses! You’ve quietly stood for responsive love in a mixed-up world that often reacts solely from personal pain and interpersonal psychodrama.
Godspeed to you, my beloved adult friend and mother. Good-bye, good luck, and good lovin’!
YOU CAN’T TAKE IT WITH YOU
Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D., is the author of Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone. Talk to Me is dedicated to Elizabeth Merrill O’Grady. Dennis is a loving son, brother, and father to three daughters, all of whom now believe Mom’s teaching that “Death is Gentle.” Dr. O’Grady can be reached at www.drogrady.com.