What set of communication rules do you follow to avoid a relationship meltdown? Do you and your partner obey the traffic signs on the two-way communicator highway to avoid a talk collision? Why are the rules of the talk road so hard to follow when emotions are heating up and nerves are shot? Empathizer and Instigator communicators alike need to learn how to talk instead of fighting like fools.
A SET OF COMMUNICATION RULES TO KEEP A COOL HEAD AND AVOID A MELTDOWN WHEN TENSIONS ARE HIGH
Recently, one of my relationship communications clients whom I coach said, “I’ve been enjoying your writing about good communication tools to use at home and work. My husband and I have just agreed to, and written down, a set of communication rules to avoid a meltdown.”
TALK RULES THAT WORK
1. NO NAME CALLING doesn’t allow zings or arrows or snotty potty talk.
2. DON’T USE PUT-DOWNS means you can’t tell your partner what he or she thinks; instead you must stick to what you are experiencing in the first-person.
3. ZERO THREATS means there’s no tattling, pouting, indirect paybacks, having an emotional or sexual extramarital affair, or threatening to leave.
4. NO GENERATING PAIN…you can’t recycle painful past memories, create more pain in the present, or predict a future of pain because you feel your partner is an idiot.
5. AVOID LOUD VOICES…the better debater or bigger voice isn’t allowed to dominate the flow of the conversation.
6. NO LEAVING WITHOUT SAYING WHERE YOU’RE GOING discourages the disappearing act, meant to make your partner mad and sleepless or nervous.
7. DON’T RATCHET UP DISAGREEMENTS disallows getting extended family members, friends, or kids in the middle of your business.
8. NO EXTREMISM OR ABSOLUTES doesn’t allow, “You never do….” or “You always are….” extremism that rips apart hope and trust.
9. STOP INVENTING MOTIVES…you can’t “psycho-critique” your partner’s motives, or practice psychology without a license.
10. NO BUTTON-PUSHING…you can’t hit your partner where you know s/he can be hurt just to prove a point.
Even if you can only follow one of these talk rules when tensions run high, things will get better between the two of you.
DISTRESSED PARTNERS KEEP DOING WHAT DOESN’T WORK
Couples in trouble crash in predictable ways. Couples who get into unproductive conflicts and have repeated talk collisions burn out over the long-distance haul of an authentic relationship. Driving rules limit accidents. Talk rules engage a problem-solving mode, or “live and let live” attitude, until you have the energy and skills to figure things out.
NO BUTTON-PUSHING
Distressed partners will talk over the opposing partner by talking louder or even shouting. The previous communications client observed, “No button-pushing is our biggest challenge. We are both very strong-willed and stubborn people when crossed. Thanks for helping us stop arguing, instead of trying to top one another.”
ABOUT RELATIONSHIP COMMUNICATIONS COACH DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.
Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D., is a Dayton region communications psychologist and organizational consultant who is the developer of the “Talk to Me” communication system. Dr. O’Grady’s third book is “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone,” which boosts your mood and powers your professional business communications while being of positive benefit to your personal, marital and family communication relationships, too.