I was shrouded in sadness and loneliness, riding low on energizing fuel during a full, double blue, June moon early one Friday morning. I tried to talk to my wife about it. I told her how drained I was. How I was feeling sad and vulnerable, as if spikes of grief from Mom’s passing were sinking into the soft parts of my heart and taking up residence there. I was bleeding tears, and I knew it.
BE LIKE A DUCK AND FLY THROUGH FOUL WEATHER
In a previous inspirational article, I shared my personal story of good grief called, Be Like a Duck. The piece was about a stupid wooden mallard duck that Mom persisted I put on my home hearth after she passed on…that same blasted dumb wooden duck that I had under my arm when a silver-haired, sparkling-eyed Sarasota airport security guard said, “I haven’t seen many wooden ducks come through here, Mister.”
The guard understood the implied message that Mom was trying to send to me — “Be like a duck and fly through foul weather, Denny! I know this time isn’t going to be easy time for you or your brother. I know Kerry and the kids will have a go of it, too. Don’t lose hope, and don’t fear. I will always be near.” It was foul emotional weather right now, all right. I was crying and howling in a rainstorm of grief, and no one could hear me.
WHY DON’T YOU JUST TRY TO TALK ABOUT IT?
“Why don’t you try to talk to your wife about this?” I coached myself. “Nah, the sun isn’t even up, and Kerry’s got a long list of things to do, and I would just be bothering her with these grief spikes that she can’t do anything about, anyway. What can she do about it? Bring Mom back? Kerry’s got her own problems. I’m not supposed to bother anyone with my messy grief emotions. C’mon sport. It’s a full moon…this too shall pass.” All of this internal conversation with myself was nothing more than a bunch of lazy communication spiraling downward in an emotional toilet.
VENTING: WHY TALKING ABOUT EMOTIONS IS SO DICEY
Well, I tried to talk, and the talk pretty much went nowhere. I didn’t need cheering up. I didn’t need being told that Mom’s in a better place. I didn’t need to hear that there’s nothing to fear. I didn’t need to be talked over or interrupted. I guess I just needed to vent…. But talking about emotions is SO dicey, even between two lovers who long ago fell in love. Only the brave need go there. So I talked a little while, then gave up on the prospect with a curt, “This is why our communication gets cut off. You think you’ve got to do or say something profound. I just need to hear myself talk and see that you care and have compassion for my personal struggle.” Well, maybe it sounded a whole lot rougher than that….
SWEATING TEARS: DO POSITIVE THOUGHTS DRAIN OUT OF YOUR BRAIN?
So I drove off to work with a double blue, full moon hovering off my left shoulder in the daybreaking light. Frankly, I felt irritated, lonely, morose, flat out sad. “Grumpy” as one of my daughters likes to say. Now, truth be told, I had completely forgotten about the whole stupid duck thing as I was driving to my office sweating tears through this humid morning and hazy first day of June. Here I was frowning and feeling down and out, my energy spiraling down into a bottomless pit, and me, completely forgetting my mom’s earlier message.
Leave it to me….I reliably forget positive thoughts when I’m feeling negative — they drain out of my brain, through big holes of a mental sieve.
I could give a gigabyte about much of anything or anyone, because I was feeling SO sad and lonely, and boy, I wasn’t at the top of my game or even in sight of the self-esteem peak or the confidence mountain top. I had completely forgotten about that stupid duck metaphor, anyway. Thank you all the ducks in heaven!
SEND IN THE DUCKS
Up ahead, in front of me, as I was driving along and emotionally musing about my total morning misery, there were two colorful ducks, contemplating walking across the street in front of the Washington Township Post Office! Those flapping ducks! Two mallards this time were about to walk across this 45 mph speed zone that was known for automobiles that behaved like airplanes.
I slowed down, put on my emergency lights, and stopped. The oncoming car did the same. Two stupid ducks. One who had ventured out into the street first, the other waiting on the curb to see if any feathers would fly. When the first was halfway across the street, the second duck hopped down off the curb and calmly followed his buddy across the street. Stupid ducks. Whoa! What was that message Mom sends from above to all of us feeling down about feeling like a sitting duck?
BEEN FEELING LATELY LIKE A SITTING DUCK?
Oh yeah, “Be like a duck and fly through foul weather.” And, “Feel what you do, without flipping out, then let the intense emotions of grief roll off your back…water off a duck’s back!” In my mind I heard Mom saying, “Go easy on pressuring yourself, Denny. Be self-encouraging, instead. Don’t retreat, and don’t back down. Don’t just not show up for life. If you fail, fail because you tried, not because you failed to try at all.” Geez, Mom.
SHOW UP FOR LIFE
Talking about feelings of grief is easier said than done. At least this communications psychologist thinks so.
ABOUT DENNIS O’GRADY
Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D., is a relationship communications psychologist and corporate trainer. He is the proud second son of Elizabeth Merrill O’Grady, and loving husband and father. Dennis is also the developer of the Talk to Me interpersonal communications training system, a systematic and solutions-driven approach to better communication.