Do you mind if I give you a little constructive criticism? “Yes, but I’ve got the feeling that’s not going to stop you!” What, you say? Criticism makes the strongest person among us cringe. In fact, is there any such thing as “constructive criticism” that doesn’t point a finger of blame in the face of an innocent man or woman? Criticism, plainly put, can often make the receiver of the negative feedback stew, brood, and feel bad. This leads to hidden resentments, and resentments restrict performance and open communication. Worse yet, sensitive Empathizer communicators process criticisms, either helpful or unhelpful, differently than their less sensitive Instigator counterparts.
HEY, NOW, I’M ONLY TRYING TO HELP YOU HERE
Do you know what communicator type you are and how you prefer to process feedback requesting personal change? Here’s why spousal or managerial criticisms can inadvertently be slow poison for couple or team communication:
Criticisms:
1. Create impressions in the mind that stick-and-stay, much like footprints in fresh cement or handprints in wet clay.
2. Are mulled over by the person who is criticized, especially if that person is an Empathizer-type communicator.
3. Can drive up personal anxiety, if you’re an Instigator-type communicator, which make you talk in defensively angry ways, especially when you’re in a grief or loss mode.
4. Are like poison blow darts that stick fast in your Empathizer skin, exuding poisonous thoughts that bring you down.
5. Are harpoons that stick in the underbelly of the soft flesh of your self-esteem, making you want to give up.
6. Sometimes sound like gospels or convincing sermons coming from on high, especially when thicker-skinned Instigators give the feedback. Empathizers then believe these words must be true, and they don’t push back assertively enough.
7. Shape the malleable clay of what you think is possible or impossible to talk about for both communicator types…and why those ideas are even important.
Feedback is needed for change, but if the feedback isn’t packaged to fit the preferred communicator type you’re speaking with, then chances are it will do more damage than good. Can we just talk for a change?
GO BEYOND YOUR BEST INSTEAD OF SUFFERING A COMMUNICATION SHUT DOWN
Instigators are pros at being who they are, in spite of all of the pressures to be smiling carbon copies of those who pretend to go along to get along. Moreover, Empathizers have some of the best ideas around today about what will work better in family and organizational life, but they are too shy to speak up forcefully, fearing criticism. Then communication shuts down and progress loses ground, and we keep going around and around in the same turnstile, getting dizzy.
WHAT CAN I DO TO HANDLE CRITICISM BETTER?
You’re a good communicator because you’re asking the right question here. Some quick tips:
1. Remember, “constructive criticism” equally scares thin- and thick-skinned folks who’re paying attention to what’s at stake.
2. Don’t criticize in others what you don’t do yourself.
3. Lead by example…everyone’s watching how you handle the stuff of stress.
4. Although Empathizers and Instigators are VERY different in their communication needs, neither is better or worse than the other.
5. In particular, Empathizers need to shrug off unfair criticisms, while Instigators need to stop thinking that all criticism schisms aren’t fair.
6. Use the Talk to Me system, which teaches you how to give and receive constructive criticism and shrug off unhelpful criticism.
7. Do a few “little things” using the TTM system, and find out for yourself the good results that accrue.
MAMA ALWAYS TOLD ME
My mom always told me, “There’s enough criticism going around. Why not try something different and point out the positive for a change of pace? Who knows, Denny, we all just might get used to it.” Respectfully, Mom, I don’t see things changing much if people don’t know who they’re talking with by type. For example, Instigator leaders feel that complimenting Empathizers is a weakness, when just the reverse is true. In the meantime, we will all cringe a little the very next time we have to do a 360 degree feedback round.
ABOUT PROFESSIONAL PSYCHOLOGIST, CORPORATE TRAINER AND KEYNOTE SPEAKER DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.
Dr. Dennis O’Grady, a Dayton region communications psychologist and author of Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone, is a husband, father, communications coach and a guy who can’t stop talking about the art of talking. Dennis is a communications psychologist and corporate trainer who specializes in positive and effective leadership communication strategies. He is the developer of the Talk to Me leadership communication system. Although everyone likes to fit in, Empathizer-type communicators feel like they are often the odd duck out. Instigator communicators fear criticism too, but keep a stone face about it. Why should we grind gears in our communicator cars, bringing the energy of your team or family to a halt? The best thing you can be, in a world that’s so good at finding ways to make you go crazy, is yourself.