YOU CAN’T TALK EFFECTIVELY WITHOUT FIRST LISTENING EFFECTIVELY
In 1972, I took my first effective listening course, when I was a residence hall manager at Michigan State University, to improve my communication skills as a peer counselor. Not much has changed since then. Listening is considered to be the cure to what ails you, as well as your key relationships. For example, a movement has begun to encourage doctors to listen better to patients’ concerns and questions, and patients to better understand their illness and their treatment, according to a July 25, 2007, USA TODAY article. In fact, there is a new national satisfaction survey aimed at assessing just how well doctors communicate with patients and how hospitals are held accountable. Boston patient advocate Jonathan Fine says, “Patients will turn to someone like me and say, ‘What did the doctor just say?’ They’re afraid to ask questions, and if they do ask questions, they don’t understand the answers.”
LISTENING VS. HALF-LISTENING
Positive talk rules on the two-way communication highway. Talk Rule: You can’t talk effectively without first listening effectively. An open mind is necessary when listening, as you attend to asking good questions and hearing the answers that pour forth. This seemingly easy task is not so effortless when emotions are strong, such as after receiving bad news about issues that threaten your health or wealth!
Here’s something else you ought to know — but probably don’t — about the listening side of the talk street:
1. Empathizer-type communicators (E-types) listen empathetically, while Instigator communicators (I-types) listen strategically.
2. E-types seek first to listen in order to understand the speaker better, while I-types want to give advice quickly to solve a problem.
3. E-types listen inclusively (listen with three ears), while I-types listen selectively (listen with one ear while multi-tasking).
4. E-types shut down when they feel talked down, while I-types debate harder when they feel talked over.
5. E-types are negatively perceived by I-types as not getting to the point fast enough, while I-types are negatively perceived by E-types as tuning out what they don’t want to hear.
ARE YOU HIP TO TALKNOLOGY?
Why even listen? Why ask directive questions? Why offer solutions to problems if no one seems to care about what you have to say? Excellent questions! Poor communication equals lost opportunities…unnecessary customer and spousal dissatisfaction…less money and peace of mind…and MANY untold opportunities flying right out the door!
A RESULTS-DRIVEN COMMUNICATION SYSTEM
Fact is, you’ll get positive results in all these areas when you tune in, for a change! But first, you’ve got to have a goal on which to focus your restless mind. The new “Talknology” goal of the results-driven Talk to Me© effective communication system is:
To listen up…to better listen with an open mind to our patients, customers, spouses, children, and ourselves, so that we can continually increase our personal performance power and improve our interpersonal effectiveness. Communicating effectively during stressful, emotionally tense times is where the real action is!
But how can you practice listening better a little each day to improve your listening skills?
OPEN-MINDED LISTENING TIPS
I’ve been paid to listen as a communications psychologist for 30+ years, and I haven’t begun to scratch the surface of the science of effective listening. That being said, here are a few general strategies to help you listen with the combined strengths of E- and I-types:
1. CALM YOUR MIND DOWN. A busy mind running a mile a minute doesn’t have the capacity to really hear what’s on someone else’s mind.
Listening Tip: Think — “I’m going to turn my full attention to the speaker now and tune out everything else that’s begging for my consideration.”
2. FOCUS YOUR ATTENTION. You can’t do three things at once and do any of them well. Give your attention unsparingly to whom you are talking.
Listening Tip: Think — “I can do this listening-with-all-ears-open thing by tuning in only to the message of the speaker and by actively listening to what’s being said.”
3. DISRUPT DOUBTS. You can’t hear a diverging opinion if you are talking negatively to yourself about how the speaker is a misguided idiot.
Listening Tip: Think — “Here I go again, thinking that the speaker doesn’t know what he or she is talking about. Enough of the Doubting Thomas stuff. Focus in and listen up!”
4. GO EASY. You will find that steps 1-3 won’t work for long before your mind is screaming to shut down and focus on its own self-oriented concerns, because you are a terribly busy and important person who has bigger and more pressing matters which need attention.
Listening Tip: Think — “O.K. Easy does it. Now is not the time to be the harried rabbit, running for all you’re worth to win the race. Slow is better…slow down you mind and listen up! You’re doing pretty darned good so far.”
5. TALK POSITIVELY TO YOURSELF. Even talk gurus need occasional encouragement to remember to use positive self-talk when the noise on the talk airwaves is blaring.
Listening Tip: Think — “My listening skills are improving a little every day in every way. Take a deep breath and relax! This might be a good time to summarize and repeat what I think I heard the speaker say. Ready?!”
6. CHECK IT OUT. When words pour out, it’s good to slow things down by summarizing the main point of what your communication partner has said so far. Example: “I hear you saying that you feel less than satisfied with how things have been going thus far, but you have a suggestion about how to make things better in upcoming days.”
Listening Tip: Think — “It takes courage to verify what someone else is saying, especially when emotions are running high and the speaker isn’t happy. Way to go!”
7. BACK PAT. Your arm isn’t too short to give yourself a good pat on the back for trying to become a better listener.
Listening Tip: Think — “O.K. Being a good listener automatically puts me in the spotlight, as I work hard to satisfy my customers and determine how I can progressively better serve them…important customers which include first, myself; secondly, with whomever I’m speaking; and thirdly, my spouse and children, who need to sound off sometimes. Keep up the good work of listening dude!”
SOUND OFF
Although Empathizer and Instigator communicators listen quite differently, the listening tips above work for both types of communicators. Since E-type speakers aren’t used to being heard–be prepared when you listen up! And since I-type speakers aren’t used to being in the passenger’s seat when communicating–be prepared to relax and take it easy once in a while. Relaxing, opening your mind, and going easy is what effective listening is all about.
ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.
Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a Dayton region corporate trainer, event keynote speaker, and couples and family communication coach. Dennis is the developer of the innovative person- and results-driven Talk to Me© effective leadership and teamwork communication system. For 30 years, Dr. O’Grady has focused on improving effective communication, constructive team relationships, and change management. His latest book, Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along with Anyone, is available at drogrady.com or at Amazon.