TAKE THE COTTON OUT OF YOUR EARS
Do you listen to hear, or are you just waiting to jump in and make your point at the expense of good talking? When your ears are stuffed with cotton, it’s as though money and opportunities fly right out of your communicator car window. Worse yet, you can end up in a fender bender or a talk collision. Tempers flare as the communication police arrive, and anxiety fills your ears with even more cotton. “Listen to hear!” will get you from here to there fast.
WHY SHOULD I TALK IF YOU’RE NOT GOING TO LISTEN TO ME?
70-75% of good communication is listening effectively. “God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason!” joked one of my entrepreneurial clients. As a communications psychologist and developer of the results-driven Talk to Me© system, I’m often asked:
If I want to be a better communicator, how can I listen better? I have extra trouble just hearing what’s being said or understanding what’s being implied, because my mind is like a busy intersection, with ideas and thoughts running red lights and stop signs. How do I slow down my mind so I can just concentrate and listen? I’m also prone to going to extremes by talking too much or not speaking up enough. How can I become an enlightened listener?
LISTEN TO ME
Now, those are great questions with some powerful answers. Listening is a skill, and you can become a better and more effective listener today with just a little practice. Why go there? Because not listening is akin to a loud radio with the bass booming, blaring out grating music from your communicator car and causing communication confusion for everyone around you.
SEVEN SIMPLE STEPS TO LISTEN TO HEAR
Taking baby steps will get you where you want to go before you can say, “Yankee Doodle Dandy.”
1. TAKE THE COTTON OUT OF YOUR EARS. Calm your mind by turning your full attention over to the speaker.
2. ASK AN OPEN-ENDED QUESTION. Ask an open-ended question that doesn’t evoke an automatic answer. For example, “What’s going well in your work today?” or “What one thing do you feel I can do better to assist you?”
3. STARE AT THE SPEAKER’S FACE, NOT INTO SPACE. You’re dead meat if you look at your watch, stare into space, fidget nervously, or pace around like a caged cat.
4. NOD YOUR HEAD IN AGREEMENT UP AND DOWN. Come on, it’s not too terribly hard to act like you’re listening! Who knows, you might end up actually listening for a change.
5. IN A NUTSHELL, REPEAT AND JOT DOWN WHAT’S BEEN SAID. Information overload is common nowadays because people talk fast to get everything in. Why? Speakers talk rapidly because they do not really expect to be heard after a minute. Do a listening check and jot down on paper what you think was said.
6. TURN OFF YOUR NOISY SELF-TALK IN YOUR SKULL. Easy does it. In your mind, you’re going 90 miles an hour down the Talk Highway. Ease up on the gas pedal and coast for awhile. You can’t really multi-task and listen effectively. Quiet thyself!
7. ASK ANOTHER QUESTION BASED ON WHAT’S ALREADY BEEN SAID. If the speaker runs out of gas, then and only then can you add your two cents to the conversation. OR, better yet, you can ask a follow-up question based on what has already been said. Talk about blowing a person away — you actually care enough to listen!
How many opportunities, that have been right under your nose, have you missed because you failed to take the opportunity to just listen to your customer, spouse, or teen? Too many! Always remember: Not listening equals money and love walking right out the front door of your business and home.
PRACTICING YOUR LISTENING SKILLS DAILY
Listening is one of the seven habits of highly effective communicators. Stephen Covey’s principles of, “First seek to understand, then to be understood!” or “Start with the end in mind!” ring true in my mind. Take a 60-second listening course today. It’s like taking a 60-second mental vacation which will help people talking with you feel more connected to you.
POSITIVE LISTENING RULES ON THE TWO-WAY COMMUNICATOR HIGHWAY
Listening is a little step that will seal a big deal right over the next hill on the communication road less traveled.
You build trusting relationships as you freely give the gift of active listening. It’s the same as making big deposits into the relationship savings account, from which you both can make withdrawals when times are tense. But you can’t improve your communicator car driving skills without practicing and engaging in a little coaching that’s directive and that focuses your positive intent, right?
There are two types of listeners and talkers with whom you should be intimately familiar, enabling you to walk the talk of: Positive listening rules on the two-way communication highway.
KNOW THY COMMUNICATOR TYPE OR THOU WON’T GET FAR
The steering wheels of E-types and I-types are on opposite sides of the car, as are the steering wheels on American and European cars. Do you know your communicator type and how your type prefers to listen and hear? If you don’t work with your communicator type, ignorance and making innocent but costly mistakes will ensure that your trip is cut short.
LISTENING CLIFF NOTES FOR EMPATHIZER AND INSTIGATOR COMMUNICATORS
Empathizer-type (E-types) communicators approach listening far differently than do their Instigator-type (I-types) communicator counterparts. Here are the Listening Cliff Notes for ways E- and I-types differ:
Type I: EMPATHIZERS. Won’t typically interrupt when someone’s talking, because it’s considered a sign of disrespect. E-types won’t jump in, interrupt, redirect, talk over, be pushy about a point, or say “no” without feeling guilty. Thus, much wisdom and knowledge of creative solutions to pesky problems lie dormant in their skulls. You can count on the fact that E-typers listen with “three ears.”
Type II: INSTIGATORS. Believe actively jumping into the flow of talk or interrupting is a sign of a passionate discussion and intelligent dialogue. I-types naturally and assertively put their ideas on the communicator table and easily influence people in conversation…or dominate in a debate. Thus, much focus of their innate leadership skills is “off the map” of what works best to solve emerging problems. I-typers listen with one ear — until trained to do otherwise.
You can take advantage of the strengths of both communicator types to net the biggest dividends for even your smallest feats of listening.
DIFFERENT STROKES FOR DIFFERENT FOLKS
E-types listen from the viewpoint of, “I’m supposed to help others!” while I-types listen from their viewpoint of, “I’m supposed to help myself!” Neither is right or wrong, better or worse off…just different strokes for different folks. But if you don’t know your communicator type, or you don’t “match” the communicator type of your customers, then you will run into trouble as sure as running an engine without the oil lubricant.
INTENTIONAL LISTENING: THE ONE MINUTE LISTENER
Perhaps my next book will be The One Minute Listener or Listen to Me, using my advanced communicator theory. I realize it’s a stretch to adopt the strengths of your opposite communicator type…it just goes against the grain of your communicator style! For example, Empathizers need to jump in and direct the traffic flow of talk, while instigators should enjoy being in the passenger seat, passively allowing someone else to drive the team communicator car for a while. Why listen with the positive intention to hear? Because it works wonders and profits everyone. You will never hear without utilizing your listening skills once you experience the positive results.
WHO IS COMMUNICATIONS CONSULTANT DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.?
Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a Dayton region relationship coach, corporate trainer, and keynote speaker. Dr. O’Grady is a communications psychologist who leads Listen Up! workshops, which teach teams to listen better and become better communicators. These innovative workshops help doctors communicate better with patients, managers to communicate better with their employees, team members to build the spirit of Team Listen! and couples to find solutions to problems, opening up communication lanes on the two-way communicator highway. Dennis never tires of talking about the fine art of Talking to Listen, using his new talk technology. Dr. O’Grady is the developer of the powerful new person-driven and leadership communication system called Talk to Me© . The self-study form of his system is found in his latest book Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along with Anyone available at drogrady.com or at Amazon. Get your roadmap to communication success today by consulting with Dennis O’Grady!