GIVE FEEDBACK EVEN WHEN HURTS A TALK PARTNER’S FEELINGS?
Are you willing to tell someone what they don’t want to hear? Do you know how to carry on a decent conversation with a teen? Do you fear the pitfalls of giving honest constructive feedback? Most of us would agree that it’s not good to tell someone what they don’t want to hear…because they won’t listen…and they’ll hate your guts, along with harboring a bad attitude toward you. When you do give constructive feedback, have you noticed that you sometimes unintentionally hurt your talk partner’s feelings…especially if the person is pre-wired to be a sensitive (Empathizer-type) communicator, vs. an insensitive (Instigator-type) communicator? I ran into this issue of corrective feedback with my new teenage driver recently. It’s a hard nut to crack!
TEACHING A TEEN TO DRIVE ON THE TWO-WAY COMMUNICATOR HIGHWAY
The Driving Problem: I felt stunned when I spotted my teenage daughter on the road with one hand on the steering wheel and the other hand holding a cell phone up to her ear. That wasn’t the agreement! I was ready to let it rip to make my point.
Reactionary Knee-Jerk-Me-Jerk Feedback: I could have let loose and spewed from the Talk’s negative mode like this: “Hey, Erin, what were you thinking? That’s right! You weren’t thinking!! Did you think you could get away with this? Fat chance. Are you trying to get yourself killed? Young lady you’ve lost your driving privileges for a month.”
Whom Are You Talking To, By Type? Erin is a sensitive, Empathizer-type (E-type). If she were a thicker-skinned Instigator-type (I-type) communicator, I could have probably gotten away with dressing her down like that in private — but not in public. Why? Because I-types let the water of criticism run off their backs like the proverbial duck. However, Erin is an E-type communicator, and she might easily have written me off for a very long time…or for life! Why? E-types are very sensitive; like to be liked; fear disapproval or being harshly criticized; fear making mistakes or appearing foolish or stupid; tune in to the volume of the voice tone and amplify the negative words; take criticism to heart; replay criticisms in their mind so much they might have difficulty sleeping at night; criticize themselves for small mistakes; and, when, defensive, throw up a wall or emotionally shut down in depression. Erin is a sensitive E-type communicator…a little criticism goes a long way!
Who Are You To Talk? What if the speaker, Dad, or boss is an I-type? Well, if my style were to be a straight shooter…a problem-solver…a map maker and responsible change-agent…a tell-it-like-it-is type person when others are shying away from telling the truth — specifically, if I were an Instigator-type communicator, then I would be prone to switching talk lanes and saying something foolish that I would regret for a long time — such as, “You’re going to turn out to be a dizzy female driver who ends up in an expensive accident like so many women, if you keep this up young lady!” Not a good attitude for a young woman to adopt, I think. But wasn’t the deal no cell phones used while driving, due to safety issues?
TALKING TO ANYONE ABOUT ANYTHING
Why does all this matter in the Talk to Me© system? Knowing that Erin is a sensitive, Empathizer-type communicator, and that I was feeling like an insensitive, Instigator-type communicator, I chose to deliver my corrective feedback thusly:
(Standing in the garage) Erin, I am going to speak for one to two minutes and you are going to listen. This is about your driving. After I’m finished speaking, I will remain quiet while you talk to me for one to two minutes. There are to be no interruptions.
I know I must have been seeing things. I passed you driving on 48 and saw you with one hand on the steering wheel and one hand pressed up to your right ear. You were holding in your right hand what appeared to be your cell phone, and you appeared to be talking. It was about 3:30 P.M., and you would have been returning home from work. I know this couldn’t have actually taken place.
The intention of the rule of “no cell phone use” while driving is to make sure you concentrate on your driving. You are a new driver, and a very good driver. Statistics show that you have a good chance of getting into an accident when you’re not paying attention. Only having one hand on the steering wheel is not paying attention. I know you are a careful and responsible driver, and I know this must have been a mistake, one that you won’t repeat.
In terms of punishment, I am in my full rights as a parent to suspend your driving privileges for a week or longer. I am not going to do that. I figure you must have been excited to share your job news or whatever. But this won’t happen again, I just know it. I consider this conversation sufficient to get the result that we all want — that of you being a safe driver. Perhaps later I will allow cell phone use, but for now, pull over and park whenever you need to take or make a call.
In fact, I don’t care if the President…Pope…or your Papa calls, don’t answer it. Now I’ve used my time, and it’s time for you to talk.
TALKING…LISTENING…TALKING
Erin apologized for talking on her cell phone. She confirmed that she was talking on the phone to her mother who had called. Erin worried that perhaps it was an emergency. She didn’t feel dressed down by me, and I no longer felt upset and disappointed. My intention was to stress safety and clarify the rules one more time. The rest is up to her. I have great faith in my daughter. If I had suffered from a case of “mistaken identity,” — that Erin was a tough-minded Instigator communicator instead of the sensitive E-type — I would have talked real tough…perhaps even yelled at her…and I would have lost the battle, and perhaps the entire identity and psychological individuation war.
What can I say? Know who you’re talking to by type. Otherwise, you’re going to make people mad, who don’t need to be — and you’re going to fail to make people, who ought to be, uncomfortable.
WHO IS COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.?
Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the founder of New Insights Communication, a Dayton company specializing in innovative and effective communication skills. Dennis is a relationship communication coach, corporate trainer, and author of Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone. Dr. O’Grady’s keynote speeches include Just Talk, Giving Feedback, Listen Up! and Effective Leadership Communication. He is both the proud father of a new teenage driver and the proud father of a new communication approach to talking with anyone about anything.