TO COMPLIMENT OR NOT TO COMPLIMENT?
What is your communication style when you give compliments? Do you dispense them freely or keep them to yourself? Do you feel giving compliments is a sign of weakness, a form of manipulation, or both? Besides, shouldn’t people just do what’s right without expecting accolades? These are some of the thorny issues we brush against as we walk through the deep woods of interpersonal relationships. I love the email I received from a male college student, asking why compliments given to a female friend seemed to fall on deaf ears.
I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND WHERE THE ISSUE IS
Here’s what this young man wrote, and how I helped explain that compliments are experienced very differently by Empathizer vs. Instigator communicators. It’s nothing personal!
Hi Dr. O’Grady,
I sit here in the library, taking a break from studying for my first exam of the semester. The real reason that I thought to write to you is because of my female friend, Jill. It is a new milestone for me to have a really good friend, who happens to be a girl, and who is not my girlfriend. We talk so much that her roommate calls me her husband and refers to her as my wife! What perplexes me is that I have complimented her twice and did not receive the response I had expected. I told her that I thought she was amazing and that I really respected her. For me to say those things is extremely big, because I don’t just go around giving out compliments. I give them when I really mean them, which is why I was kind of surprised and hurt by her response…or lack of response, actually. She didn’t even acknowledge that I had just paid her a significant compliment. She just ignored it. When I kept pushing for a response, she said, “O.K. let’s just forget about the whole thing. I think you’re awesome, too.”
I just don’t understand where the issue is. I don’t know if we just have different ways of accepting and responding to compliments, or what. Could it be that she is not recognizing that I am paying such a significant compliment or caring sentiment to her?
Please let me know what you think about the situation with Jill.
THE INSTIGATOR VIEWPOINT ON THE ART OF COMPLIMENTS
Hi Jack,
I wanted to make sure I had time to digest your e-mail, so I waited until this morning to talk to you. I hope that is O.K. I am always so glad to hear from you. I’ll sound a little like your communications coach, which I am. By the way, I really like getting to know the language shortcuts of doing the text thing.
Let me address your question, “…Could it be that she is not recognizing that I am paying such a significant compliment or caring sentiment to her?”
Compliments are experienced very differently by Empathizer (E-type) and Instigator (I-type) communicators. For comparison, remember that you and your mom are E-types, while your dad is an I-type. I should look like both E- and I-types since I’ve been working hard to adopt the strengths of my opposing communicator style. Jill sounds like an Instigator communicator, given her behavior. Her style isn’t better or worse than yours; just different. Here are researched differences explained:
I-types…
1. …consider giving compliments unnecessary
2. …think needing compliments is a weakness
3. …try to put misunderstandings in the past by “forgetting about them”
4. …don’t like to feel vulnerable or rely on others for help
5. …believe they can put a strong mind over difficult relationship matters
6. …are afraid that emotions will spin their communicator car out of control
7. …want to send all E-types to “Empathizer Island” when frustration mounts
8. …value Empathizers’ ability to be true to their emotions
9. …love to solve problems
10. …are natural born leaders
It’s not a boy-girl thing, Jack. Gender just gives us ideas about what is the warm or cold thing to do in a relationship. You are comfortable with non-manipulative compliments. Your style is right on!
I hope this helps clear up any confusing communication matters for you on this beautiful fall weekend, Jack!
Thanks for talking to me….
COMMUNICATION CLIFF NOTES: COMPLIMENTS ARE EXPERIENCED VERY DIFFERENTLY BY EMPATHIZER VS. INSTIGATOR COMMUNICATORS
Empathizers freely give genuine praise, and they function best when their good works are recognized in words of genuine praise. Instigators believe that actions speak louder than words, and they function best when their genuine words are recognized in good works accomplished. So, it’s not that women praise more than men, or that men praise to get their way. It’s all about the communicator shoes you’re comfortable walking in. In the above case, the young man is an Empathizer talker and the young woman behaves like an Instigator communicator. Can you tell the difference? Each type perceives the giving and receiving of positive feedback very differently.
ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.
Dennis O’Grady is the father and developer of the Talk to Me© communication system, which streamlines communication to be productive and useful…inside your head and inside your relationships. The Talk to Me© approach to good communication will help boost your mood, keep your energy up, and free yourself from the tar baby of negative relationships or emotions.