WHY DON’T YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT?
“You never talk to me!” violates three rules of good communication while you’re driving on Talk Highway, causing a fender bender and your communicator car to skid into a ditch, or far worse. First, “You never talk to me….” actually delivers a hidden, blaming command to stop talking. Second, it bows to “You never….” or “You always…. ” extremism that casts stones of personal blame and beats up your talk partner. Third, it violates The Golden Rule of Good Talk, “You should never use the word YOU in close-up, personal communication, if you want to get great results.” Hard to do when talkers are tired and it’s late and you’ve been driving all day and all the hotels and motels are booked tight on Talk Highway and you just locked your keys in the trunk. Why, this Talk Master Instructor should know!
CAN EMPATHIZERS REALLY TALK RATIONALLY TO INSTIGATORS?
We all can do a better job at bettering our communication styles by walking in the shoes of our opposite communicator style. Staying centered and calm, and talking rationally about intense emotions, without blaming a talk partner, is possible if you are using the Talk to Me© effective communication system.
Lucky 13 E-type emotion-driven criticisms of I-types driving habits on Talk Highways:
1. YOU NEVER TALK TO ME
Instigator View: She’s right in many ways. When I get home I tend to be quiet. I put in long work days. When I get home, the last thing on my mind is to take on a controversial or serious topic.
2. WHY DON’T YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT?
Instigator View: I have a thousand things floating through my head. Setting aside what I still have to do for work, and turning my total attention to her, is difficult. I don’t usually tell people when I’m tired or hurting.
3. YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW I FEEL
Instigator View: Sometimes I do understand how she feels and sometimes I don’t. It depends on what we’re discussing. She’s so emotional it’s hard to sort what’s more or less important.
4. YOU HURT MY FEELINGS
Instigator View: I don’t intend to, but I often blurt something out that hurts a person’s feelings. As a boss, I can say: “We can talk about that topic next week, but let’s stay on task today.” But my wife doesn’t appreciate being told that.
5. YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME
Instigator View: I struggle with that one, because I hear what she’s saying, and I think I’m a good listener. When I don’t agree with her, does she think I’m not listening to her?
6. YOU NEVER TELL ME HOW YOU’RE FEELING
Instigator View: That makes me crazy. She tries to tell me how I’m feeling or what I should do or how I should think.
7. YOU DON’T OPEN UP TO ANYBODY
Instigator View: Many times she doesn’t know how I’m feeling, because I’ve already shut down the conversation in my mind, due to finger-pointing blame gaming.
8. YOU’RE ALOOF
Instigator View: It is what it is. She’s entitled to her opinion. What she doesn’t understand is that too many people are picking at me, and I’ve got no time left.
9. YOU SHUT ME OUT
Instigator View: If you’re not forthcoming, people think you’re not telling them everything, in the minutest detail. I say, “You’ve killed that topic so let’s move on.”
10. YOU DON’T COMMIT
Instigator View: I ‘m not quick to show my poker hand. That is viewed as being hard-headed. I think I’m a pretty sensitive and sympathetic person. I just don’t express it very well.
11. WHY CAN’T YOU TALK STRAIGHT?
Instigator View: She’s so focused on her emotions, she misses my point. She struggles with my communication style.
12. PEOPLE SEE YOU AS COLD AND CALCULATING
Instigator View: There are times I agree with that, because it does hurt other people. I don’t like my feelings hurt, I really don’t, but you’re taught in business to leave your emotions out of it.
13. YOU’RE ARGUMENTATIVE
Instigator View: It is what it is. She’s entitled to her opinion. What she doesn’t understand is that I’ve got no extra time on my hands, and my brain begins to shut down the longer communication drags on.
Can Instigators learn to talk more emotionally? Of course. Once we learn to walk a mile in the shoes of our opposite communicator type.
DO YOU KNOW THE COMMUNICATOR TYPE OF YOUR TALK PARTNER?
Common advice to couples in counseling is to, “…tell your talk partner how you feel,” by using, “I feel….” declarative statements. But does this approach work? Sometimes, but now and again they backfire. Why? Because of the intensely fast moving, “I feel you’re always being….!” To the ears of Instigator listeners, Empathizer (or Instigator?) discourse often sounds like accusations. Net result? The Instigator listener — male or female — will shut down. More negative talk ensues, sending us all down dead end alleys. Future talk problems are guaranteed.
DO YOU WANT PROOF OF THE LIGHT BULB TURNED ON BENEFIT OF THE TALK TO ME© COMMUNICATION SYSTEM?
I have internalized the key strategies of the TALK TO ME© system, and I utilize those communication approaches in every personal interaction throughout the day. I no longer worry about what other people think of me, nor do I overanalyze what I think they may be saying or thinking. Because I’m not caught up in this pattern, I am able to make the correct decisions for myself at work and in my personal relationships. I am now more in tune with the person I am and what my requirements for success and fulfillment are.
M. M. C.
Human Resources Manager
ABOUT DAYTON COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.
As the innovator of the Talk to Me© effective communication system, Dr. Dennis O’Grady’s approach to good communication produces results that will astonish you, just when you thought all hope was lost. Dennis also provides business keynotes, corporate training, and relationship communications coaching, in enjoyably interactive, “real life” training formats.