How do you disarm loaded communication, that like a loaded gun in the hands of a novice, can unintentionally be triggered and go off and kill someone? So many communication mistakes that maim, are done unintentionally, but produce terrible consequences, nonetheless. But you knew that, I suppose. By knowing your talk type and the talk type of the receiver of your communications, you can effectively use your talk partner’s communication style to get the job done better and faster.
YOU CAN’T COMPLAIN IN TALK WORLD?
Should you complain about the President when you didn’t vote? Should you be allowed to complain when you have it so good? Can you relate to the “real life” situation below? Here’s what one Instigator manager told me recently:
As an I-type, I can put up a barrier and block out negatives. I find it easier to talk with somebody who isn’t constantly complaining. But my leading sales guy, Jack, is an emotionally driven E-type guy. He complains so much I stop listening. “Things are terrible…I’ve got all this work to do…Sales are down…There’s not a lot of work out there…The company needs to get it’s act together here….”
So I discarded the negativity with positive talking. I said, “Jack, how can business be so bad when you’re the #3 salesman in the company…you’re at 103% growth when 25% growth is considered great…AND your customers love you! Things can’t be all that bad when you’re doing so good in the company this year, Jack!” I didn’t inflate the facts, and Jack’s mood brightened as soon as he heard me state the facts.
I had a revelation of sorts…it just dawned on me. When you experience results like these after reading your book, a light bulb turns on. In the past, I would have said: “I can’t take it anymore, Jack, quit complaining. I’ve got to move on.” Coming back with positives instead of getting fed up with negatives worked far better for us both.
YOUR PERSONAL VIEW (E- VS. I-TYPE) OF HOW TO DELIVER QUALITY FEEDBACK?
How do you handle pessimistic complaining vs. delivering quality feedback? Walk away? Spend time you don’t have being sympathetic? Tell the person to quit complaining? Well, the answer depends on whether you’re an Empathizer or Instigator communicator. Here’s how to tell what your communicator type might be:
1. I stuff too much, but when I do complain, it’s because something which I feel unable to change needs to be corrected…by me. Yes or No?
If you said “Yes” this is the Empathizer-communicator view of being stuck in the middle of a bog of bad emotions.
2. I don’t complain much because who would listen, anyway? When I do complain, something needs to change in the situation or be corrected by the other person. Yes or No?
If you said “Yes” this is the Instigator-communicator view of disarming loaded communication.
So which type of communicator are you? And which type of communicator are you talking with?
WHY DO EMPATHIZERS COMPLAIN?
E-types can be their own worst critics and self-torturers. E-types who go to extremes are extremists who turn over every rock to look for slimy bugs, and walk into a deep pit and dig the hole even deeper. E-types have hearts and can get squirrelly when lost in the woods. What you need to know about E-types’ view of talking negatively (to self and to others), which forms the basis of their complaining style:
Why Empathizers complain–
E-types complain to…
Calm down
Lessen the pull of “future catastrophes” thinking
Feel grounded and better able to start solving problems
Find facts lost in the fog of their emotions
Air emotions in order to think clearly
Make excuses for why doing the new takes you out of your comfort zone
Seek comfort
Bump fear out of the driver’s seat
Avoid being seen as a ME-type
Stop feeling like the odd duck out when emotions are magnified and intensified
Demonstrate how they’re stewing and brooding and torturing themselves inside
The Talk News: E-types can put things under a microscope to study the problem in detail. And E-types have some of the great answers to fix things.
THE INSTIGATOR VIEW OF COMPLAINING
Why do Instigators complain? Well, from the I-types’ point of view, they don’t complain because they are bravely focused on passionately brainstorming current problems to solve so they can relegate them to the past. However, that’s not what sensitive E-types hear! But, hey, that’s why opposites attract and drive one another up a wall and back down again. “I’d give you a piece of my mind if I could afford to!” is the witty saying I use to bite my tongue when I need to. Better to say nothing, than to say something that will mess things up and be remembered for all eternity.
Why Instigators Complain….
I-types complain to…
Get fired up to take action
Address “this-is-now” problems that are shouting to be solved
Put the steel of their minds over mushy emotions
Stop stomping through the knee high mud of emotions
Turn the mud of emotions into a hardened concrete driveway
Take off from Limbo Airport and move along
Throw ideas up against the wall and throw down negative thinking
Prohibit themselves from making excuses about why change is too scary
Make others uncomfortable enough to change
Take control and be in charge by hopping in the driver’s seat and telling everyone to relax
Emphasize that they put unquestionable trust in themselves: “I trust myself when the heat is on. If it’s to be, it’s up to ME!”
Be reassured that they are central to a solution, by riding in the front of the team canoe
Demonstrate that whining isn’t winning
The Talk News: The wet cement or mud of emotions interferes with effectively brainstorming which problem-solving options are “reality best.” Just ask any I-type you know. I-types aren’t emotional dunces who are cold. They’ll deal with any emotions after the crisis has passed! In fact, hot emotions will be avoided over cool headed thinking by I-types. Talks around the Communicator Table aren’t effective when I-types’ reasoning is minimizing what it takes to fix what is wrong in reality.
Both styles naturally prefer their own way of doing things and what the complaining driving rules are. But these styles can inadvertently turn each other off without knowing it. The wall or fence, which is erected between these two relationship-leadership types of talkers, benefits no one.
ABOUT CORPORATE TRAINER AND COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS O’GRADY
Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D., provides workshops and coaching on Effective Leadership Communication using the results-driven Talk to Me© innovative communication system. Dennis is also a relationship communications psychologist and corporate trainer from Dayton, Ohio. Dennis’s 2005 Dayton Leadership Study tested a sample group of 32 “proven, effective, and ethical leaders” who are responsible for running companies which account for over half of the jobs in the Dayton region. Dr. O’Grady’s findings are in his latest book, Talk To Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone, which aims to better communication across all levels. Consult with Dr. O’Grady by calling (937) 428-0724.