EMOTIONAL FOG ON TALK HIGHWAY
Emotional communication can be likened to driving at night down a foggy, winding, unfamiliar country road at 90 mph with your lights off and the radio blaring. One of my relationship communications, Instigator-type coaching clients put it like this:
Maybe I’m just a typical Instigator guy, but how do I communicate with my wife without shutting down or withdrawing? My wife wears her emotions on her Empathizer sleeve, and I don’t do that. She is relentless. I give up on getting my point across. I retreat and say, “O.K. I’ve heard you, let’s move on.” My wife points her finger at me and shakes it for emphasis…which I despise…then, in an accusatory tone, she says: “You don’t understand how I feel! You never talk to me! Talking to you is like pulling teeth because you’re so closed off! Why don’t you want to talk about it?” Geez, the word YOU drives me nuts.
YOU…A NEW TALK RULE
Let’s use a new talk rule: When you is normally used, substitute it with I. It’s hard to incriminate another in this context.
The sole purpose of discussing emotions sincerely, including feeling hurt or vulnerable, is to provide an open door to closeness. My intent is to express myself while I feel — and articulate — more emotions.
NEW DO TALK CLEARLY TALK RULES
TALK RULE 1. Clearly state your talk intention or destination.
For example, “My intention here is to better express my emotions to you.”
TALK RULE 2. Steer around the YOU word, which is an accident waiting to happen.
For example, “You don’t talk to me!” becomes “I’m not doing a very good job of encouraging you to talk to me, am I?”
TALK RULE 3. Be patient — drive the speed limit and stay in the middle of your driving lane.
“You always ignore me!” becomes “You pay attention to me most of the time, in ways that I like.”
TALK RULE 4. Call for corrective action by talking in the feedback style of the Empathizer Listener or Instigator Listener.
For example, whenever we hear ourselves using the YOU word, we’ll change to I/My/Me. For example, “You’re aloof….” becomes “I can’t interpret how you’re feeling, but I would like to know.”
DO YOU WANT PROOF OF THE LIGHT BULB TURNED ON BENEFIT OF THE TALK TO ME© COMMUNICATION SYSTEM?
A client emailed me this message after beginning to utilize TALK TO ME strategies and talk tools:
I have internalized the key strategies of the TALK TO ME© system, and I utilize those communication approaches in every personal interaction throughout the day. I no longer worry about what other people think of me, nor do I overanalyze what I think they may be saying or thinking. Because I’m not caught up in this pattern, I am able to make the correct decisions for myself at work and in my personal relationships. I am now more in tune with the person I am and what my requirements for success and fulfillment are.
M. M. C.
Human Resources Manager
YOU HAVE YOUR DRIVER’S PERMIT IF YOU KNOW YOUR AND YOUR TALK PARTNER’S COMMUNICATION TYPES
I am happy you are studying and using new communication tools. You have your driver’s permit IF you know your and your talk partner’s communication types. You are talking openly, accurately, clearly, confidently. Now what? If you’re an Instigator-type (I-type) communicator, you should start wearing your emotions on your shirt sleeve. And if you’re an Empathizer-type (E-type) communicator, don’t panic and believe that the communication crash which just happened is your all your fault.
ABOUT DAYTON COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.
As the innovator of the Talk to Me© effective communication system, Dr. Dennis O’Grady’s approach to good communication produces results that will astonish you, just when you thought all hope was lost. Dennis also provides business keynotes, corporate training, and relationship communications coaching, in enjoyably interactive, “real life” training formats.