GOOD COMMUNICATION FIRST BEGINS WITH ME
So, as an Instigator (I-type) communicator, you know that you’re a tough opponent when it comes to debating. And you fully realize that your Empathizer (E-type) talk partners are intimidated by your abilities to command and dominate a conversation. But at what expense? A good relationship with Empathizer communicators, perhaps? Empathizers will drop back, turn off, and keep their good opinions to themselves when rough-handled…and everyone loses.
BUILDING BRIDGES OF TRUSTING COMMUNICATION
I-types change their ways fairly easily when principles or rules of good talk are encouraged and used. You can practice the following Talk Exercises to increase your flexibility and responsiveness today, my dear Instigator-type communicators.
Principle #1: BUILDING TRUST STARTS AT THE TOP
Talk Exercise: Demonstrate flexibility, openness, and a willingness to engage in a two-way dialogue instead of a canned, one-way monologue, when you listen up.
Principle #2: KNOWING THE COMMUNICATION TYPE OF THE PERSON WITH WHOM YOU’RE TALKING IS THE “GOLDEN RULE” OF CREATING POSITIVE AND EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION
Talk Exercise: Determine through typecasting and by using the Communication Matrix, whether your co-communicator is an Empathizer-type (E-type) or an Instigator-type (I-type) communicator. No sweat, Sherlock! When the speaker matches your type, you know that an innate understanding exists. You already know that accidents on Talk Highway stem from being inflexible when talking with Empathizers. So, when talking with E-types, choose to drive in the lanes (emotion and talk words) that E-types prefer. For example, ask directive, value-added questions such as: “What passionate idea do you have that you think would work best to resolve this matter?”
Principle #3: THE TALK TO ME © SYSTEM WORKS, WHEN YOU USE IT
Talk Exercise: Realize that, when you interrupt E-types, they are going to feel that you don’t care, so you adjust your communication approach accordingly.
Principle #4: GOOD COMMUNICATION IS A TWO-WAY HIGHWAY, NOT A ONE-WAY STREET
Talk Exercise: Know that you can out-talk about anyone, so hop into the passenger seat and let the E-type drive. No, don’t criticize driving habits! Instead, talk less, keep your voice tone low, nod your head approvingly, take a deep breath and focus your conversation, and accept that the E-type is threatened by your conversational authority, which can easily become coercion to accept your offerings. You seek to help the E-type understand that you are a human being, not a robot or a human doing.
Principle #5: GOOD COMMUNICATION FIRST BEGINS WITH ME
Talk Exercise: As an I-type, you are self-educating, results-driven, and able to manage your communication style by studying and using communication tips found in The Friday Talk News. The light bulb came on for you and, “Now I know why my wife/husband does what she/he does, because s/he is an Empathizer-type communicator!” Continue to use this newfound knowledge daily to improve communication.
Principle #6: COMMUNICATORS DRIVE IN THEIR PREFERRED LANES, WHICH SOMETIMES PROHIBITS THE BEST OUTCOMES
Talk Exercise: Since you drive in the Beliefs and Behaviors lanes on Talk Highway, you maintain that the best ideas come from respectful debating. You also realize that Empathizer-type communicators hold back their ideas when this format is used. Accept that E-types often have solutions to the vexing problems which are annoying you, so get them to trust you and to articulate their resolution to your challenge.
Principle #7: LITTLE CHANGES NET HUGE REWARDS
Talk Exercise: Don’t feel you always have to get the last word in. You don’t have to steer a conversation to your viewpoint. You can hold two different ideas in your mind at the same time. Relax while sitting in the passenger seat of the ocean blue E-type communicator car and let the speaker do the driving and talking. As a result, the speaker will feel very upbeat, affirmed, heard, valued, and motivated to talk more openly.
Principle #8: PEOPLE WILL TALK ABOUT WHAT TOOLS WORK TO CO-CREATE GOOD COMMUNICATION
Talk Exercise: Ignorance isn’t bliss when it comes to your talk partner’s communicator preferences. Like a stone tossed into a pond, the message that ripples out from adopting the talk style of an E-type is, “We can just talk like two birds on a wire…so feel free to tell me what you really think and feel.” You no longer hold to this negative attitude: “If you don’t agree with me, you aren’t listening to me, and I am offended and irritated.” Make it a priority to let your talk partners know you have adopted new strategies for listening and talking, then demonstrate these strategies in your daily conversations.
Principle #9: THE ‘LIGHT BULB CAME ON’ EFFECT
Talk Exercise: You hold prejudices in your mind about E-types: E-types are wishy-washy. E-types too easily back down from a healthy confrontation. E-types won’t push on when times are tough. E-types feelings’ are so hurt that they can’t get past the past. You do believe E-types are very passionate and compassionate people who really care when the chips are down, and you also appreciate that both E- and I-type talk preferences are uniquely different, but not bad. Employ your new talk tools to insure the E-type that you value the input offered.
Principle #10: GOOD COMMUNICATION IS GOOD FOR EVERYONE
Talk Exercise: You’ve already loaded the Talk to Me© system into your work-mind, now load it into your home-mind, too, so your life partner can benefit equally from your training to become a better communicator. Practice the system daily in both components of your world.
Principle #11: THE MILLION DOLLAR QUESTION IS WHETHER YOU’RE EXPERIENCING POSITIVE RESULTS FROM BEING A MORE RESPONSIVE, OPEN AND FLEXIBLE COMMUNICATOR
Talk Exercise: When trust is built, you know the positive intention of traveling in open lanes of communication. When in doubt, ask: “What one thing can I do to improve my communications with you? I’ll do it for a week with no questions asked!” Then do it!
Principle #12: 50-60% OF THE SUCCESS OF ANY COMMUNICATION IS DUE TO WALKING THE TALK OF GOOD COMMUNICATION
Talk Exercise: On your desk or refrigerator, keep a note card that reads: “All (b)lame is lame because it knocks my communicator legs from under me!” Or, “I walk the talk of good communication because I’m flexible…responsive not reactive…open to trying new talk moves that work wonders.” Practice your new talk tools to demonstrate that you do walk the talk each day, in all you do.
I-TYPES LISTEN MORE…E-TYPES SPEAK OUT MORE
Way to go, my dear I-types. Tap on those brakes when you’re traveling at high speeds down foggy roads which are dripping with wet emotions. You don’t want to be misunderstood…and you don’t want to have it your way if doing so lands you in a ditch, so you’ll need to call a tow truck to pull you out. I can’t wait until you have another opportunity to use open lanes of communication with an Empathizer communicator. Stay tuned and drop in for a great communication ride!
ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.
Dennis O’Grady is a relationship communications coach, corporate trainer and pioneer of the innovative Talk to Me© effective communication system, which streamlines communication that is productive and useful, inside your head, inside your company, and inside your relationships. Communication mistakes and accidents plague us all, but the Talk to Me© approach to good communication will help boost your mood, keep your energy up, and free you from the tar baby of negative relationships or emotions.