EMPATHIZERS OUGHT TO SPEAK OUT AND PUSH BACK MORE OFTEN
Is the message you’re sending being received accurately and honestly, without prejudice or tilted spin? Perhaps not. What to do when two opposing talk types are trying to solve problems together, but from different viewpoints? CLARIFY. Both styles naturally prefer their own way of doing things and which happen to be the driving rules for complaining. But, without knowing it, these styles can inadvertently turn each other off. “Your Erroneous Zones,” a favorite bestseller by Dr. Wayne Dyer, gives several prime examples of this.
IS THE FOG OF NEGATIVE EMOTIONS BLANKETING THE TWO-WAY TALK HIGHWAY?
All of us erroneously assume that the main message we’ve sent is the same message which was received. Not so! The message and the messenger’s intent are often confused due to the fog of negative emotions on Talk Highway. Can you anticipate how your complaints and suggestions will be heard by your opposite communicator type? Is there a better, more effective way to deliver quality feedback (complain) which could calm us down and solve problems fast? You bet there is! Try walking a mile in the moccasins of your opposite communicator type!
WHAT DO EMPATHIZERS (E-TYPES) NEGATIVELY THINK WHEN INSTIGATORS (I-TYPES) COMPLAIN?
Let’s be negative for a minute about what stuffs cotton in E-types’ ears:
Here we go again….
Why does everything always have to have such a positive spin?
There’s no honesty about emotionsI’ve got to shut up and deal with this stuff on my own
I don’t understand why you won’t listen to me!
Can everything really be this rosy?I can take it a little longer!
I feel too stuck to move on
I’ll talk to you later.
At this point, the I-type might think that an E-type doesn’t care to solve an obvious problem.
WHAT DO INSTIGATORS (I-TYPES) NEGATIVELY FEEL WHEN EMPATHIZERS (E-TYPES) COMPLAIN?
Let’s be negative for just a second, about what stuffs cotton in I-types’ ears:
Here we go again …
Why does everything always have to have such a negative spin?
There’s no rationality or plan of action hereI’ve got to offer suggestions to solve the problem
I don’t understand why you get mad at my trying to help
Can everything really be this bad?I can’t take it anymore!
I’ve got to move on
I’ll check with you later.
At this point, E-types might feel that I-types don’t care to understand their personal feelings and situational stressors.
WHY NEGATALKING TAKES A TOLL ON COMMUNICATION HIGHWAY
Everyone complains. I’m not against complaining, per se. However, I’m for limited, not unlimited, complaining. True, Empathizers ought to speak out and push back more often. But, my dear E-types, do you realize that complaining too much will make your Instigator talk companions’ skin crawl? Yeh, you know. That’s why you keep some of your best ideas to yourself.
And my dear I-types, do you understand that telling an E-type to switch driving lanes fast, without looking into their rear view mirror, is driver’s education coaching they can’t follow? You might as well be telling a chimpanzee to change into a gorilla, or a gorilla to change into a sloth. You’re going to have a talk accident if you don’t watch where you’re going! “BUT how do you say what’s wrong without coming across wrong?” one client asked.
INTENDED MESSAGE SENT … IS THE MESSAGE RECEIVED?
To make sure the message you’re trying to get across at the Communicator Table is the same one which is received, you’ll need to make sure that you’re sending the message in your talk partner’s preferred style…no pushing your point of view if you’re talking with an E-type, and no backing down from your ideas if you’re talking with an I-type. Secondly, clarify, CLARIFY, CLARIFY! You’ve all had communication courses which taught you to use “I” messages, so put your knowledge to use:
1. I want to make sure I have this right. Are you saying….
2. I intend to have a clear understanding of how to proceed. Are you suggesting….
3. I need to know who is taking the next step. My understanding of what we are going to do is….
4. I thought you had told me to do it this way. I want to be clear about what you want so I can give it to you….
5. I’ve got to speak my mind here. I don’t think this part of the plan is going to work because….
6. I want to clarify. It’s your belief that the next step I need to take is….
7. I need to confirm this outloud for my own benefit, to make sure I’m on the right track. I should have ___ to you by ___. Is that correct?
8. I want to think outloud here and throw some ideas up against the wall to see if any of them stick. I’m not set on any of these ideas, because I find brainstorming with you creates better ideas that have a greater chance of succeeding. Is that a fair use of our time?
9. I’m not sure I’m hearing you accurately. You’re saying….
10. I want to get this feedback correct. Instead of doing ___, you want me to start doing ___.
11. I think I may be coming across like I’m not fully on board with this project. Is that how I’m coming across to you?
12. I need to check out an alternative that I’ve been tossing around in my mind. Do you think that ___ might be a solution to this problem?
13. You’ve given me a lot of information to digest. I want to make sure that I’m correctly prioritizing what you see as the top three “to do” items. Are you saying that first…; second…; third….
14. So, what you’re really saying to me is ….
Use your own words and speech patterns. The objective is for you to develop the strategies which work for you, while following the examples above. You’re not a parrot, although I’ll bet you’ve felt like a pigeon now and then! These are just some ideas to put some pop into your communication punch lines, but which won’t knock anyone out.
ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST, DENNIS O’GRADY, PSY.D.
Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D., provides workshops and coaching on Effective Leadership Communication using the results-driven Talk to Me© innovative communication system. Dennis is also a relationship communications psychologist and corporate trainer from Dayton, Ohio. Dennis’s 2005 Dayton Leadership Study tested a sample group of 32 “proven, effective, and ethical leaders” who are responsible for running companies which account for over half of the jobs in the Dayton region. Dr. O’Grady’s findings are in his latest book, Talk To Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone, which aims to better communication across all levels. Consult with Dr. O’Grady by calling (937) 428-0724.