EMPATHIZERS LIGHT THE WAY WHILE INSTIGATORS LEAD THE WAY…YOU ARE A WARRIOR NOT A WORRIER
Badgering communication is a sure way to push your relationship over the ledge. Venting, yelling, snipping, snapping, being relentlessly verbally aggressive, criticizing, grandstanding, parading around as the hurt victim, name calling, lecturing, pontificating, being snarky on the phone, retaliating, dripping guilt trips all over the floor…using intimidating talk tactics, or “It’s my way or the highway!” conversational coercion, all are examples of badgering communication. Are you taking out your feelings on another person rather than dealing with your own disappointing expectations that reality is never as good as a perfect fantasy? Never forget: Perfectionism kills.
EMPATHIZERS LIGHT THE WAY WHILE INSTIGATORS LEAD THE WAY…SO WHY FIGHT?
Empathizers (E-types) need to feel liked and approved of. Instigators (I-types) need to feel respected. Empathizers LIGHT THE WAY, while Instigators LEAD THE WAY. Downside: E-types tire fast and feel drained from fighting, conflict, the pot constantly being stirred up. I-types lose their way from intimidating others through anger, losing the confidence of trustworthy friends, brokering for power as their relationships disintegrate.
YOU ARE A WARRIOR, NOT A WORRIER
Instigators’ badgering responses cause Empathizers’ energy to droop. You should be reminded that those who use badgering communications take away the opportunity for trust to grow and for two-way talks to unfold. Has your I-type talk partner ever come out with:
You should show a little more respect.
You don’t know what you’re talking about….
The way I see it is your comments don’t hold much weight with me….
That’s all in your mind….
That’s your opinion, but there are two sides to every story, and what I was saying is….
You don’t know what you’re talking about…you’re an idiot!
Maybe you’d be happier not working here…or being without me.
You need to work on this….
I’m just saying this because I care, and it’s for your own good….
I’m not sitting here ignoring everything like you are….
Like I said before….
You don’t understand. Let me say it this way instead….
You don’t get what I’m saying. Maybe this will make it clearer for you….
I’m getting really mad….
I feel like you don’t trust me….
I don’t do it all the time. Why isn’t what I do ever good enough for you?
I feel like that’s an accusation, and it hasn’t been that bad around here. Stop going to extremes!
ARE YOU TOO AFRAID TO TALK?
Why can’t people take peace and harmony? Badgering communication puts a plexiglass wall between you and your talk partner, kind of like being thrown into the back of a cop car. The common reaction is, “Why should I speak up if what I want to say is driven into the ground, causing friction, more confrontation, and conflict? This is a spinning top that’s distracting and destructive.
MY DEAR E-TYPES: ARE YOU SPEAKING YOUR MIND, OR IS IT THE I-TYPE WAY OR THE INTIMIDATION HIGHWAY?
Who’s in charge of your relationship? One caring person a relationship doesn’t make. Yelling is enervating. Intimidating a fellow co-worker or partner is costly. Confronting others instead of being a calming influence is draining. If you have to keep pushing and pushing and pushing, then you aren’t involved in bettering your communication skills. In short, if you’re afraid to ask questions or state your true opinion, then you’ve come under the dreaded influence of badgering communication.
ABOUT CORPORATE TRAINER AND COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.
Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the “Talk Doc” and president of the Dayton Area Psychological Association and developer of the TALK TO ME© positive and effective communication system. Why invest in a process that will improve your communication skills fast, in both personal and work relationships? Why waste time alienating people and prolonging the effort to reach a common goal, when you can use good communication strategies which pay extraordinary dividends. When you use the tools and strategies detailed in Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone, you’ll find that it’s easy to keep your car in the center of Talk Highway, leaving the ditch to those communicators who play the lame Blame Game.