PATIENCE CAN BE A VIRTUE OR A VULTURE
Do you stubbornly and painstakingly stick to your narrow viewpoint of what is right or wrong because, “It’s my way or NO way!” or can you accurately see yourself through Empathizer eyes, filled with emotion and insight? Two viewpoints openly and respectfully shared make for better communication. Moreover, if you’re a tough-charging Instigator communicator, how can you see yourself through tenderhearted Empathizer eyes? By using the typecasting function in the Talk to Me© system, you WILL have your eyes and your mind opened wide, so you can find new avenues to help you get along better with those you respect and love.
MY EYES HAVE BEEN OPENED
One letter I received, from a blunt speaking Instigator mother (I-type) who hadn’t gotten along very well with her adult Empathizer daughter (E-type) for several years, said it so clearly:
My eyes have been opened, Dennis. I feel so much love for my adult daughter now. It’s like ESP…I understand her for a change. We can even talk normally about church issues, money, and political matters, too. It happened slowly but steadily. My adult daughter doesn’t cave in to me any longer, either. I’ve never been happier in my life than I am now. Thanks for sharing your communication system with me…us!
IMPROVING COMMUNICATION
Do you know whether your mother or father, sister or brother, are E- or I-types? How to tell:
Empathizer-type (E-type) communicators are more prone to being non-directive…not pushy…smoothing over conflicts…seeing the solutions to vexing problems but keeping quiet as a mouse…prone to bravely letting feelings be trampled on, taking on uncomfortable changes, be they large or small.
Conversely, Instigator-type (I-type) communicators are more prone to being directive…pushing too hard to make a point…feeling enlivened by conflicts…able to be like a duck and fly through foul weather…decisively implement solutions to tough problems…prone to allowing cold logic and reasoning to overcome uncomfortable new emotions….lead the way down new change avenues.
Neither communicator style is better or worse, just different. You can learn to use the strengths of both types to the benefit of everyone.
PATIENCE CAN BE A VIRTUE OR A VULTURE
What are key E- and I-type differences when approaching problem solving? E-types feel nagged by a problem and brew about it. In opposite fashion, I-types can push a problem away and not stew about it. To every season, though, there is a reason to adopt the strengths of your opposite communicator style. That’s why I say patience can be a virtue (I-types) or a vulture (E-types).
ARE YOU A SENSITIVE EMPATHIZER COMMUNICATOR…OR AN INSENSITIVE INSTIGATOR TALKER?
If you are a sensitive communication partner, or Empathizer talker, you will stuff your feelings and back away from conflicts with Instigator talkers. Thus, Empathizers will answer yes to most of these questions:
• My partner doesn’t try to understand my viewpoint, by looking at things through my eyes….
• I can easily be over-talked or out-argued by my partner….
• I feel anxious and depressed because of our relationship….
• My partner is a selective listener….
• I feel like I’m constantly doing things to pacify my partner….
• My partner will pout or shoot daggers at me when told “No”….
• I have to suck it up and stuff things under the rug….
• Unresolved conflicts with my partner drain my energy….
• My partner sees things in narrowly-focused ways and rarely changes his or her mind….
Typically, Instigator communicators feel more comfortable convincing you that their selective viewpoints are correct. Ergo the muse: “It’s my way or no way!” with unnecessary conflict, consternation, and disagreement going on between the two differing types. But must men be from Mars and women from Venus?
WHAT YOU DON’T SEE IS WHAT YOU GET
If you can’t see the viewpoint of your co-communicator, then you are missing out on half the story of, “The Gratifying Life of Good Communication.” Why do Empathizer communicators back off from Instigator communicators so often, leaving them uneducated? Empathizer communicators should pipe up, because they have a crystal ball when it comes to fixing vexing relationship problems! However, these same E-types sustain relationship solidarity by sacrificing their own individual communication rights and responsibilities. Thus, what you don’t see (and don’t hear) is what you get in the way of good, or bad, results. Do you know what your talk partner isn’t telling you? Let’s hope so.
THE EMPATHIZER EXPERIENCE OF FLYING WITH BLIND INSTIGATORS
During confrontational times, Empathizers experience their Instigator talk partners as having sharp tongues, coercive conversational styles, intimidating personalities, and prone to throwing emotional daggers. Welcome to the Communicator Club, y’all. E-types’ complaints or criticisms of themselves:
1. E-TYPES ARE CONSTANTLY DOING THINGS TO PACIFY I-TYPES
The E-type feels as though the I-type talk partner must be constantly pacified if a conflict is to be avoided. Attitude: “Life’s too short for pouting and complaining…it can’t be that important.”
2. E-TYPES BEND THEMSELVES INTO HUMAN PRETZELS TO AVOID HAVING A CONFLICT WITH I-TYPES
Instead of standing strong and tall like an oak tree, the E-type bends like a willow. Passive pleasing or justifying can last for just so long before the top blows off the boiling pan. Avoiding conflict actually perpetuates conflicts and keeps problems from being resolved.
3. E-TYPES FEEL DEPRESSED FROM BITING THEIR TONGUES, WHEN THEY’D RATHER TALK BACK ASSERTIVELY TO THEIR I-TYPE CO-COMMUNICATORS
E-types bite holes in their tongues too often and incorrectly believe, “I have to suck it up and not say anything, which makes me feel really depressed about the way things are going in the relationship.”
4. E-TYPES FEEL SAD AND I-TYPES FEEL MAD IN A DISTRESSED RELATIONSHIP
Anxiety and energy drain is caused by distressed relationships. The E-type is prone to blaming the Self for relationship problems, while the I-type is prone to blaming the situation for the difficulty. Slow down when you’re driving in foggy emotional conditions on Talk Highway, so you can fully and accurately assess where the fog is originating and use new talk lanes to avoid crashing into the communicator car ahead.
5. E-TYPES’ ENERGY DIMS DURING NEVER-ENDING CONFLICT WITH I-TYPES
“The conflict is never going to stop,” one E-type told me. “My energy is dimming, and my spark is going out. Stuff repeatedly keeps being brought up and brought back into our home. Nothing’s solved, nothing changes.” E-types thrive in harmony and die in never-ending disputes.
6. E-TYPES CAN DRIVE AHEAD OF THEIR HEADLIGHTS WHEN I-TYPES ARE CONFRONTATIVE
E-types have a tough time hearing negative feedback, and they take it personally. I-types take criticisms on the chin with a grin. Both E- and I-types consider delivering quality feedback essential to skill improvement and task achievement. Change is possible and desirable with both types using the 50% co-responsibility rule for positive and effective communication.
7. E-TYPES ARE PREJUDICED THAT IT’S ALL ABOUT THE I-TYPE WORLD
“It’s all about her (or him)….” most Empathizers will tell you about Instigators during a talk crash. “Why can’t we just send them all to Empathizer island?” is an I-type sentiment during sensitive times. “It’s hard to keep in my head that it’s the problem or relationship strain that depresses me and makes me anxious,” savvy E- and I-types will tell you.
8. E-TYPES FEEL I-TYPES PROMISE THE MOON BUT DELIVER DIRT…WHILE I-TYPES BELIEVE E-TYPES DON’T DREAM BIG ENOUGH
Both E-types and I-types have a challenge when it comes to closeness. Trusting, liking a partner when angry, listening with an open mind, engaging in healthy conflict, are all communication essentials. Why not travel in awareness of your talk partners’ preferred driving style to help us all out?
MOST COMMUNICATION MISTAKES ARE DUE TO IGNORANCE
So many communication mistakes are made due to ignorance…ignorance of how to talk with your opposing talk type. Both E- and I-types in conflict can feel like they’re losing their minds, as in, “It makes me feel crazy….He — or she — makes no effort to change what’s broken….I’m just not understood.”
HAVE YOU HUGGED YOUR EMPATHIZER TODAY? HAVE YOU BACKSLAPPED YOUR INSTIGATOR TODAY?
Have you hugged your Empathizer today? And have you backslapped your Instigator today? I-types, can you see yourself through the objective eyes of Empathizer communicators? E-types, can you see yourself through the subjective eyes of Instigator communicators?
YOU’RE IMPROVING YOUR COMMUNICATION A LITTLE EVERY DAY
Sure, you are improving your communication a little every day. You aren’t interested in deflecting necessary conflict or using badgering communication to conversationally coerce a co-communicator from talking straight to you. Life’s not a little chess game with winners and losers, is it? Nah. You refuse to swim in an Olympic size pool of pity and ignorance.
ABOUT RELATIONSHIP COMMUNICATIONS COACH, CORPORATE TRAINER, AND COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.
Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the “Talk Doc” and president of the Dayton Area Psychological Association, as well as the developer of the TALK TO ME© positive and effective communication system. Why invest in a process that will improve your communication skills fast, in both personal and work relationships? Why waste time alienating people and prolonging the effort to reach a common goal, when you can use good communication strategies which pay extraordinary dividends! When you use the tools and strategies detailed in Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone, you’ll find that it’s easy to keep your car in the center of Talk Highway, leaving the ditch to those communicators who play the lame Blame Game.