TALK IS CHEAP, BUT COMMUNICATION IS PRICELESS
Perfectionism kills. That’s why hearing tough feedback is hard on the ears! Do you drive yourself too hard to attain perfection? If a 10-foot pole vault jump would be superb, do you expect yourself to clear 12-feet and consider yourself a failure if you can only make it over the 11-foot mark? Pleasing super-perfectionistic people is akin to trying to walk up a slippery slope while wearing hard-soled dress shoes. Perfectionism is a disguise worn to camouflage strong emotions, so the perfect one can lead a double life. For example, if you believe you have to be perfect to feel in control, then you will resist hearing and utilizing tough feedback that could solve sticky problems, freeing you to act like there’s nothing wrong when there’s nothing going right. It’s a perfect set-up for suffering!
RUNNING INTO THE WALL OF PERFECTIONISM?
O.K. Nobody’s perfect. But have you ever run into a wall of defensive perfectionism, a wall that’s as hard as a concrete highway viaduct, when you’re trying to talk positively with your inner self or to talk turkey with others? Here’s how one of my esteemed Empathizer female trainees put it to me:
You’re right, Dr. O’Grady, that Empathizer communicators, sensitive types like me, can pile the pressure on our own shoulders by trying to be perfect…and then secretly resent it. It does take a psychic toll when I don’t hit the target on the first try! For example, I had been doing so well, and not feeling depressed at all. Then I caught a cold, and I began to feel down, thinking I have FAILED my mission to stay well. But the fact is (self-talking), I can take a day or so to heal and be right back at work very soon. I’ve stopped making sweeping statements like, “ALL my efforts are shot because I’m sick and have to slow down.” Slowing down doesn’t mean I have to come to a screeching halt…something I’ve learned while running marathons. I can keep moving forward!
Empathizers trained in the Talk to Me© system take setbacks, or self-described failures, far less personally than those who have not become familiar with the Talk to Me strategies and tools. Conversely, Instigators who are familiar with the system, listen more sensitively to feedback they might not want to hear, but when the feedback is implemented, it will work wonders for everyone involved.
HOW DO YOU SEE YOURSELF WHEN YOU MAKE MISTAKES?
Are you dying to be perfect? Your communicator type determines how you view your Self — when you make mistakes or cope with life setbacks, self-imposed or unintended — and what your Achilles Heel is:
I. Empathizer-type communicators. E-types may feel like failures when they hear realistic negative feedback. Negative thought: “I’m worthless.” E-types then blame themselves for failing, which makes incorporating helpful feedback difficult. Bottom line: Blaming Self for failing to be perfect can result in E-types’ becoming too risk-cautious.
II. Instigator-type communicators. I-types may feel like they’re not good enough when they hear accurate negative feedback. Negative feeling: “I’m inferior.” I-types then blame others (or the situation) for failing to succeed, which makes digesting helpful feedback dicey. Bottom line: Blaming others for failing to be perfect can result in I-types’ becoming too reckless.
Perfectionism is a killer, equally so in corporate or family life. Addressing the core issues of perfectionism help us all heal, learn, and grow. Extreme perfectionism is shared equally between E- and I-type communicators and is a leading cause of depression, lack of motivation, and anhedonia (not enjoying life).
DRIVING RULES FOR DELIVERING QUALITY FEEDBACK
So, what are some ground rules for talking sense to yourself when you feel like a big, fat failure (E-types) or like a lofty loser (I-type) who’s inferior and simply not good enough? Characteristics common to delivery of high quality feedback:
- Unbiased…no extremism…sweeping statements
- Direct approach…not shaming or blaming
- Corrective input…gushing, mushy positives not allowed
- Accurate…tells the truth…tough love
- Timely…sets a timeline to achieve different results
- Undefensive…superiority complex, hype and pontification, impression-making, grandstanding, tit-for-tat, and political power wars not allowed
- Reality-based…facts first; feelings last
- Change-driven…old dogs can learn new tricks when the master teaches
Perfectionism kills. It kills your chances for making positive changes that result in esprit de corp.
IT’S A GOOD DAY TO TALK…STUPID MISTAKES CAN MAKE US SMARTER
Are you willing to learn from your mistakes and move on while discovering what you need to know on the go? I bet you are!
“If he makes a mistake, he sees himself as a failure!” said a female I-type about her E-type partner. The E-type shot back, “It was a stupid mistake. I could have prevented it and saved myself and everyone else a whole lot of grief!”
Stupid mistakes can make us smarter, as long as we learn from them! If you cut across four lanes of talk traffic, you’re probably going to get into a wreck. And that’s exactly what happens when people get all emotionally riled up from chewing and stewing on constructive negative feedback.
CAN YOU GIVE UP THE EXHAUSTING TASK OF BEING PERFECT?
Is it possible to give up the exhausting and impossible task of being perfect? Yes, if you don’t try to accomplish the feat perfectly! For a change, try walking in the shoes of the communicator type that’s being critiqued. Here’s how Empathizers and Instigators alike may feel when coming to grips with shortfalls or mistakes. Can you relate?
1. RUNNING HEADLONG INTO A CONCRETE VIADUCT OF DEFENSIVENESS. A knee-jerk reaction for E-types is to become sad and quiet when mistakes are recognized. In contrast, I-types get mad and noisy when mistakes are discussed. For both E- and I-types it’s hard to just relax and reach out to talk. Thus, due to ignorance, E-type and I-type teams get steamed at their opposing team, shutting down problem-solving talks.
2. EARS STUFFED WITH COTTON. Half-listening not only won’t solve problems, but it also becomes a big problem itself. Why get so upset about “tough love” or “smart work” feedback which explains why your efforts aren’t working as well as you would like them to? Neither E-types or I-types need to stew in resentment or plan retaliation moves.
3. AVOIDING. An Empathizer who feels like a big, fat failure is likely to stop sharing ideas and sticking to him- or herself for any number of reasons: I’m feeling bad; I just want to isolate myself; I know I’m an odd duck, so let me alone; I’m feeling flat out of luck, so stay away before it rubs off on you. Net sum — Problem confrontation is avoided. An Instigator who feels like a zero loser is prone to shutting off two-way communication, striking out on new friendships because of feeling shame, pushing ideas down closed throats, or blowing up trusting bridges of communication. Net sum — Problem awareness is avoided. Either way, we all lose.
4. THE REAL COST OF THE UNREAL PERFECT PERSON IMAGE. Why push away honest feedback? By learning quickly from mistakes, you solve pesky problems before they can multiply. Perfectionistic E-types will stay down too long after a failure and become risk-adverse. Perfectionistic I-types won’t stay down long enough following a losing streak and become change-compulsive. Thus, both E- and I-types hide their weaknesses, slipping under the radar. And, since big problems aren’t their gig, self-prescribed failures come out of the blue to hunt them down and haunt their lives.
It’s easy to be driven to distraction by perfectionism! Understanding your communicator type will better help you come to grips with your own personal shortfalls as a communicator, so you can improve as a person a little bit every day.
TALK IS CHEAP, BUT COMMUNICATION IS PRICELESS
Talk is cheap but communication is priceless! Why does it matter how you handle your mistakes and shortcomings and the shortfalls of others? In every relationship, from the kitchen to the boardroom, all problem-solving change depends upon learning quickly from quality feedback that seeks to renew your life.
ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.
Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the researcher and developer of the Talk to Me© positive and effective communication system. Dennis is a relationship communications coach, corporate trainer, organizational keynote speaker, and the current president of the Dayton Area Psychological Association.