BLACK ICE ON THE RELATIONSHIP HIGHWAY
When is it a good time to talk? We don’t mean to neglect our relationships at home or avoid communicating. But it takes time to prepare to communicate: you must warm up, make sure your mental toughness is on par, keep your thoughts on track, and a whole bunch of doing-the-new when your energy might be taxed and your nerves strained by a tough day at work. Each of us, at times, becomes overwhelmed by the demands of the day, and we seek refuge in our homes, where we can let down our hair and veg out to recharge our batteries. So when nerves are frayed, and emotions freeze up like black ice on two-way talk highway, how can we avoid skidding off into a ditch in our intimate relationships?
WHEN SHE’S AT HER BEST, I’M AT MY WORST, AND THAT’S WHEN WE GET INTO ARGUMENTS
Duh. Costly communication mistakes are easy to make, particularly at home, where everything feels more personal. Due to ignorance, you may not have realized that your partner may believe, feel, talk, and act differently than you do when tired or emotionally distressed. One Talk to Me© trainee put it quite bluntly:
I don’t want to deal with more issues when I come home. My partner, though, is passionate, assertive, and has high expectations. I work hard, and I work long hours in a responsible position. The energy burn at work is enormous. When I come home I’m tired and I want to spend just a little time relaxing. The last thing I want to do is come home to another set of problems. And that’s when we can get into an argument. The mistake I’ve made in the past is not to tell my partner why I’m just sitting there like a bump on a log. So, should we have to schedule a time to talk, or what?!
What do you have in common? Plenty! You have mutual interests, desires, and goals on which to build a relationship. It’s how you express and deal with those interests, desires, and goals that can get you into trouble. Don’t get too focused on the two different communication styles and deflect good talk.
TALK IN THE LANGUAGE YOUR PARTNER WALKS
Help is here! Chances are your life partner is your opposite communicator type. Here’s how that works:
I. Empathizer-type (E-type) communicators are the non-demanding, silent types, who will stuff their emotions and smile through the pain. Complaining will come out in emotional bursts of: “I don’t appreciate not being appreciated.”
II. Instigator-type (I-type) communicators are the thick-skinned, noisy types, who will boldly share their frustrations and grimace through the pain. Complaining will come out in logical demands of: “Then we need a logical plan of action here.”
Neither style is better or worse. The point is to talk the language your partner walks to obtain the best results. After all, good communication begins with you!
RELATIONSHIP EXPECTATIONS: IT’S ALWAYS PERSONAL, AND RARELY LOGICAL
“It’s nothing personal, it’s only business…” is a saying that is completely reversed at home in your closest relationships. In fact, we expect MORE from those we know and love. Thus, “It’s always personal, and rarely logical…” better describes partner and co-parent expectations. Here’s what you and your talk partner expect, and resent, when shortchanged:
- Immediate and easy access to your talk partner
- Drop everything to listen
- Deal with conflicts constructively
- Perform even when tired or fatigued
- Go the extra mile and smile
- Talk honestly
- Make time for long and involved conversations
- Speak of emotions adroitly
- Immediately make time to talk when pressure mounts
Not too much to expect of a champion communicator, like yourself, right?
TODAY’S TALK TIP: MAKE SURE THE TALK INTENTIONS ARE CLEAR
Find the middle ground and avoid becoming polarized because of your talk types. Here’s how:
1. State your positive intention — that you will work hard and learn fast to communicate more effectively. Example: “I want to give you my full attention, but I’m exhausted right now.”
2. Talk in the language your talk partner prefers and has an easier time hearing. Use emotional language for E-types, and use logical language for I-types. Example: “I want you to know how much I appreciate (E-type) — or respect (I-type) — where you’re coming from.
3. Be open about what you’re feeling and experiencing. Example: “I just need a little time to unwind….” can be a small change that nets big dividends.
4. Don’t erect a wall. You must not throw up the wall or put on the armor and get defensive. Example: “It’s not your fault. I’m simply bushed. When’s a better time to talk?”
5. Avoid distracting arguments. You don’t want to avoid deflection, but you do want to encourage reflection. Example: “I don’t want to get into a fight with you and distract ourselves from the challenges of closeness.”
6. Change now. You can teach old dogs new tricks as you learn to drive down new talk avenues. Example: “The change I’m trying to make is to schedule a time to talk on a regular basis.”
7. Fail forward. You can make mistakes and learn from them. Example: “I just want to connect with you when you come home; maybe a quick hug will send the right message until you are able to unwind.”
REMOVE THE BARRIERS TO GOOD TALK
We all need to avoid setting up a partner to go off or to feel unduly frustrated. How? We can listen and talk in the language of our partner. But if the communication styles are so different, then how can we make time to talk? By focusing on the middle ground and not on the extremes, by accepting the other’s style and methods without fighting them.
DEEP CLOSENESS & EMOTIONAL COMMUNICATION
Perfect love is when your heart leaps for joy when you see your beloved. But we are only human! Not talking in the preferred language style of your sweetheart is the stumbling block. Deep closeness is what couples strive for through their communication efforts. Emotional communication, a blunt discussion of what feelings belong where, is the skill required to get you from here to there. Instead of focusing on what you don’t have…focus on what you wish to create, that something which is good for all.
WHO IS RELATIONSHIP COACH AND CORPORATE COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.
Dennis O’Grady, Psy.D. values couples communication skills, executive coaching, and corporate training which solves pesky problems by producing positive results through better communication. Dennis is the original researcher and developer of the powerful Talk to Me© positive and effective communication system. The Talk Doctor’s compete textbook of good talk is Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along with Anyone, which is available by calling (937) 428-0724 or at www.drogrady.com and Amazon.