WHY NOT TO TAKE THINGS SO PERSONALLY
Why must you take things so personally when there’s a communication glitch? Suppose there is no right or wrong solution, and you don’t have to sit back and say, “It’s all your fault!” or “It must be my fault.” Assigning fault affixes blame but ultimately fixes nothing. What works to solve tenacious problems at work or in your prized relationships, to help you understand both perspectives without fussing or fighting? Think about it: Two different angles eventually meet, if you don’t get into a ruckus and go careening off in different directions. Now whose fault is it?
THE 50% CO-RESPONSIBILITY RULE: SOLVING PROBLEMS INSTEAD OF CAUSING PROBLEMS
Digest the tenets of the Talk to Me© positive communication approach to solving problems when emotions are churning and mental wheels are spinning in a rut….
• It’s not a problem created by one person.
• It’s all about perspective.
• I need to help you understand my perspective.
• You need to help me understand your perspective.
• I need to comprehend the logic of your opinion.
• You need to appreciate my position on the situation.
• We look at things from different perspectives.
• Neither position is right or wrong.
• Empathizer and Instigator communicators look at things from opposite directions.
• Neither of us, as a person, is right or wrong…we simply are two people with a problem to correct.
• It’s not your problem or my problem.
• The blame game is lame and won’t give either of us a leg to stand on.
• Let’s remind each other that we’re both people with important opinions.
• We’re both stubborn.
• We’re going to disagree.
• It is what it is until it isn’t any longer.
• It doesn’t mean I respect or love you less.
• We come at it from two different angles which will eventually meet.
• Let’s each take half the fault and move on.
• We are each 50% co-responsible for the origin of the problem and for finding a solution.
Why dwell on what we’re doing — and which isn’t working — or how things used to be? A power struggle that rehashes the same old issues strains Empathizers and Instigators alike, making everyone feel hopeless and powerless.
THERE’S NO PRACTICAL VALUE IN ASSIGNING BLAME?
There’s no practical value in assigning blame. Nothing changes for the better; things stay the same or slowly get worse. (Think of the proverbial frog in the pot of water when the burner is turned on low.) Do you know what drives your opposite communicator type buggy?
I. Empathizer-type (E-type) communicators are prone to assigning blame to the self for a relationship problem. E-types believe change begins with the self instead of residing in the relationship situation.
II. Instigator-type (I-type) communicators don’t characteristically assign blame or harbor grudges. I-types feel change begins with identifying a problem in the situation and finding the solution. I-types feel that focusing on relationship communication is a distraction.
As an E- or I-type communicator, are you taking 50% co-responsibility to help your opposite communicator understand your point of view? If not, why not?
LET ME HELP YOU UNDERSTAND MY PERSPECTIVE
Here’s how I back off to talk with myself during a dispute or confrontation:
O.K. Don’t push the panic button, Dennis. ‘Let me help you understand my perspective’ will be my responsibility. And give me a helping hand to understand your perspective. Problem solving occurs when you listen open-mindedly to the perspective of your fellow communicator. Recall the perspective of Riley, (my middle daughter) when many days’ travel later, she gazed upon the Grand Canyon. Perspective is everything. “Dad,” Riley said, “This would be great if the Grand Canyon were filled with water and we could go scuba diving together!” Whoa. What a different perspective that was! What part of the perspective is missing here?
LET’S STEP BACK WHEN IN A DISPUTE
A relationship communications client used this Million Dollar Talk Tool very successfully. As a business leader, he was crunched for time, but he made time to talk with his spouse. “Two different talk angles eventually meet!” he quipped.
We view things from different perspectives — her perspective and my perspective — and we need to understand the other’s perspective. There’s no right or wrong…it’s just different perspectives. Our conclusion was very good; we both walked away feeling great, and it’s been great ever since. Then you can work around it, a reminder while you’re in the middle of an argument — let’s step back; let me help you understand my perspective. Help me understand your perspective.
ARE YOU USED TO ACCEPTING THE BLAME FOR OTHERS’ PROBLEMS?
You’re a champion communicator! E-types are more emotional, and I-types are more logical. E-types like praise more than I-types do. Both Empathizers and Instigators want to solve problems, not cause problems. Two different views, discussed and understood, enrich us all.
ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS COACH DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.
Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the Talk Doc, providing leadership communication coaching and corporate training, using the results-driven Talk To Me© positive and effective communication system. Dennis is president of the Dayton Psychological Association. His talk textbook, Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone, recently won the Axiom Business Book Awards Silver medal. You can contact Dennis O’Grady at (937) 428-0724.