GOOD TALK VIBRATIONS
Have you completed the Family Communication Challenge? It’s a great way to get good vibrations going in your family relationship system and in the couple unit. It’s a powerful communication tool and exercise that I frequently employ in positive and effective couple and family communications training, while using the Talk To Me© system. What is involved in this Challenge? Each person in the team canoe — for example the husband and wife, or kids and teens — separately makes a list of 10 positive talk trends that each would like to see incorporated into the family climate mix. Pure genius: This takes away the distracting focus of what’s not happening and places the spotlight on the target of what needs to happen for everyone to feel pretty good.
LET GO OF WHAT ISN’T WORKING AND TRY DOING WHAT WILL WORK BETTER
What 10 positives would you like to co-create and incorporate into your family relationships? Focusing on what isn’t working doesn’t address the positives that need to be added or how to correct the negatives. Allow a few minutes for each family member to create a list, then have all the lists brought to the Communicator Table for discussion. Once each other’s lists are shared, everyone will notice that many of the individual positives are repeated in other group members’ lists. All that’s left to do is to make a master list of these positive communication roadsigns to post on the refrigerator to light your way during dark times. In doing this, each family member is equally invested in making change happen fast and in working to see that the changes last.
ADD POSITIVES TO CORRECT THE NEGATIVES
One inventive Instigator father of high family character, who wanted to turn the rust of family conflict into golden opportunities for harmony, created this list of positives he hoped to see incorporated into family life:
1. BE NICE. Have open communication where it’s not my way or no way.
2. BE MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY AFFECTIONATE. Encourage a more touchy-feely and huggy atmosphere every day.
3. BE RESPECTFUL. I want to see more demonstrations of positive mother-and-daughter communication.
4. BE CALM. Remove angry tones and voices when conversing.
5. BE JUST. Lay down the rules, then discuss with everyone how the rules will impact the talk climate in the home.
6. BE FAIR. Require each person to help with chores around the house and in the yard.
7. BE CONFIDENT. Encourage the development of each individual’s self-confidence, which will feed into positive peer and parent relationships.
8. BE INDEPENDENT. Do more for yourself than you expect others to do for you.
9. BE A CHANGE SEEKER. You’ve got to keep the change going until it’s embedded in your lifestyle, family, communication, relationships.
10. BE A LOVING COUPLE. Take time as a couple to be affectionate, away from the duties of parenting.
Will any of these positives be found in one or more of the lists your family members make?
TEEN COMMUNICATION: HOW TO COMMUNICATE WITH A PARENT WHO IS STRONG-WILLED
Family communication conflicts that don’t resolve problems, mangle the mood of everyone in the house. Here’s how one communications client put it:
I feel like things in the family are so much better now. My wife, teenage daughter, and I were falling into a communication pit. There was always an escalating conflict situation that involved yelling. We were absolute toast, fried, pouring gasoline on the fire. I’d even wondered in the past if I should get out of the house. Now I’m relieved not to be rehashing arguments that solved nothing. With your help, we’re not repeating mistakes that made our family unit spiral downward. It’s weird how easy it is to keep talking about what isn’t working instead of spending energy on what would work better if everyone would just stop putting nails under each other’s communicator car tires.
NOTHING TO FEAR
There is no better person to be than yourself. Your fears tend to steer your communicator car into a ditch, but there is really nothing to fear. Do you speak with confidence? Do you stick to your positive focus when those around you have lost their heads, due to mood rushes and traffic jams caused by negative feelings? To change everything, keep mindful of what you’re about as a good communicator.
THE MIRACLE OF GOOD COMMUNICATION
When you demonstrate consistent, positive change in your communication style, which is experienced by others as your personality, your partner will miraculously change for the better, too. When you talk positively, this helps to co-create positive changes in your talk partner’s viewpoint, and it opens up new avenues and approaches to real life problem solving. That’s why I call using the Talk2Me approach the Miracle of Good Communication.
ABOUT TALK DOC, DENNIS E. O’GRADY
Dennis O’Grady, Psy.D., is known as the Talk Doc since the advent of his positive and effective communication system, Talk to Me©. Dennis is president of the Dayton Psychological Association and a corporate trainer and couples communications coach. His talk textbook, Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone, received the 2008 Axiom Business Book Award Silver Medal.