GOOD GRIEF: OUT OF THE ASHES OF GRIEF SPRINGS NEW GROWTH
Do you dwell on the past? Do you stew and brood and chew over things that took place decades ago? Emotional men and women, or Empathizer (E-type) communicators, beat and kill a dead horse 10 times over. In fact, E-types are criticized for being so anxious that they repeat their negative talking points. On the other hand, logical I-types become anxious standing around dead horses and want to avoid the whole scene altogether. Thus, I-types are criticized for not talking openly enough about their emotions.
YOU CAN LEAD A HORSE TO WATER BUT YOU CAN’T MAKE HIM DRINK
Both stressed Empathizers and Instigators act like a stubborn horse that you can lead to water but you can’t make him drink. Put them together and what have you got? No or poor communication and widening communication gaps. Here’s how one Instigator husband spoke of his Empathizer wife:
My wife nags me about how little we’ve talked over the years. “We’ve got to talk about it….” makes my skin crawl. Why can’t she just get over it? Why can’t she let go and get past the past? I can’t do anything about the past. It’s over, and all we can do is learn from our mistakes. I believe the present is a present to unwrap. To tell you the truth, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say, so I don’t say anything, which I know only makes the distance greater.
GRIEF WORK: DO YOU SHUT OUT PEOPLE OR BUILD BRIDGES OF TRUST?
Most communication breakdowns are due to a misunderstanding of communicator type. Time Zones and grief tones are handled oppositely by Empathizers vs. Instigators. Which one are you and how to tell? (After all, both E- and I-types often get into communication ruts and fail to live in the present.)
GOOD GRIEF CHARLIE BROWN…
If you live in the Empathizer Time Zone…
1. E-types live in a past COMFORT ZONE.
2. E-types can’t easily drop what they’re FEELING.
3. E-types see the PAST as a half empty glass.
4. E-types will back off from using the wisdom of their own GOOD IDEAS.
5. E-types resolve present-day PROBLEMS by analyzing the past.
6. E-types don’t easily ENJOY THE SELF in the here and now.
7. E-types FOCUS ON WHY BAD things happen to good people.
8. E-types FEAR THE FUTURE – “When is the other shoe going to drop?”
9. E-types stew and chew on things to AVOID GRIEF WORK.
And that’s why I-types experience E-types as obsessive about a past that cannot be changed and about their being too grief-embracing.
GRIEF IS THE GUNK IN THE GEARS OF YOUR COMMUNICATOR CAR
I-types remember the past but won’t rehash it. If you live in the Instigator (I-type) Time Zone…
1. I-types’ COMFORT ZONE is to live in the future.
2. I-types can’t easily let go of what they’re BELIEVING.
3. I-types see the FUTURE as a half full glass.
4. I-types will back off using the wisdom of their own BAD FEELINGS.
5. I-types resolve present-day PROBLEMS by strategizing about the future.
6. I-types don’t easily ENJOY THE RELATIONSHIP in the here and now.
7. I-types FOCUS ON WHY GOOD things should happen to good people.
8. I-types FEAR THE PAST – “Why stay stuck in a rut, spinning your wheels?”
9. I-types stay busy and juggle multiple full plates to AVOID GRIEF WORK.
And that’s why E-types experience I-types as being pushy, always pushing hard to be right when feelings run on high.
TALKING ABOUT FEELINGS AND INTENTIONS IN THE TALK 2 ME SYSTEM
A frequent complaint of distressed couples is: “Why can’t you just let go of the past? Why can’t you get over it and move on?” Here’s what I recommend thinking or saying to break that dead end talking pattern…
I’M FEELING… BECAUSE MY INTENT IS….
Examples: I’m FEELING frustrated BECAUSE MY INTENT IS for us to feel close. Or, I’m FEELING worried BECAUSE MY INTENT is to have a secure job, and they’re talking cutbacks at work.”
Couples-in-trouble have too many conversations from the head instead of from the heart, so why not talk from the heart-mind….
OUT OF THE ASHES OF GRIEF SPRINGS NEW GROWTH …
Get past the past. Don’t get so wrapped up in the past that you can’t enjoy yourself today. Grief in relationships is the gunk in the gears that makes shifting difficult in your communicator car. Whatever your type, the past is gone and the future is not yet here. Arguing whether it is noble to live in the past (as E-types do), or quickly get on down the road to live in the future (as I-types do), keeps you away from mining the gold of grief in your present relationship day.
WHO IS DENNIS O’GRADY?
Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D., is a Dayton communications psychologist and relationship communications coach. Dennis wears two hats, one of corporate trainer in leadership communication skills, and the other as a couple communications expert. The Talk2Me system bridges communications gaps and helps resolve family conflicts. Dr. O’Grady’s mission is to give you tools to use to improve the quality of your life. Dennis is the author of Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.