Child says: “IT’S not fair!”
Parent responds: “You’re right…It’s not fair. The FAIR comes around once in the summer!”
I am often at a loss for words when one of my young daughters forcefully exclaims: “IT’S not fair dad!” Other variations to this tune that make me cringe are: “That’s not fair!” or “That’s not VERY fair!” or “How would that make you feel?” After all, saying “Life isn’t fair!” is akin to saying “Fish need water.” It doesn’t add anything useful to the dialogue at all.
Sad to say, I’m not a child psychologist. I work with adults and teens. In my childhood past, the parental comeback shot at me by my well-meaning parents when I was a kid experiencing the same consternation or disappointment was: “Life isn’t fair, Denny!” Or, “Who said life is supposed to be fair? It’s not!” Most disheartening was: “Life’s NOT supposed to be fair…so you had better get used to it son!” Those well-meaning parent-responses had the effect of adding to my frustration and dismay.
When I repeat the same negative retort “Who said life is supposed to be fair?!” to my kids nothing much different happens. “Life’s not supposed to be fair!” didn’t work for me and it won’t work for my girls. There’s a better way. Why not break from the past…break past chains…break free and say something entirely new that is useful while respecting the emotions of the griper and groaner? Empathy works better than sarcastic exasperation on most days, doesn’t it?
I have been experimenting with a thought-provoking comeback that has proven helpful in the trenches. SO…when you once more hear from anyone (including yourself) that “IT’S not fair!” try this:
Child says: “IT’S not fair!”
Parent responds: “You’re right…It’s not fair. The FAIR comes around once in the summer!”
Don’t get me wrong. Said with sincerity, the distraught child will stop in their tracks and think about IT for a change. What’s encouraged is empathy for the disappointment, encouragement that the child still has options and that staying frustrated is a choice, recognition that all of us must work through our disappointments without going nuts or making matters worse than they already are. One life skill that our kids need to know is how to handle discouragement without giving up…to get on with options that might bring renewed satisfaction.
WWhoa! Feel the difference. One more time…this time dedicated to your child-self. In your skull talk, do you say “It’s just not fair?!” Here’s the new transaction to try on for size the next time you hear yourself lament: “Life isn’t fair…Life isn’t treating me the way I expect it to!”
Disappointed child-self says: “IT’S not fair!”
Understanding adult-self says: “You’re right…It’s not fair. The FAIR comes around once in the summer!”
Thanks go to one of my communication who shared those pearls of wisdom with me. They seem to be working pretty darn well in my family!
“Life’s NOT fair!” isn’t a fair retort. You may not have the body of a nude Brittany Spears or the financial wealth-building skills of pirate Orlando Bloom…BUT you do get better every single day by being the one and only you. And that FAIR comes every day of your life!
Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a communications coach from Dayton, Ohio, and the author of “Taking the Fear out of Changing” and TALK TO ME at www.drogrady.com