DEFENSIVE TALKING LEADING CAUSE OF DIVORCE OR BREAKUP
Relationship expert and researcher Dr. John Gottman (http://www.gottman.com/) has found defensive talking to be the leading indicator(s) of a divorce or breakup.
When you have a “failure to communicate,” you will become an anger communicator and use some of these defensive talk tactics or guilt bombs to the detriment of all.
1. Threats. Unilateral verbal threats to take some drastic action that will cause an unwanted loss to the partner, such as: “If you keep this up I’ll have to…” or “Maybe this just isn’t going to work out between us!” or “Shouldn’t we quit while we’re ahead?” or “If you accuse me of doing IT, I might as well do IT!” Or “Why should I try to talk to you when you don’t ever listen to me?”
2. Icing. Ignoring the partner to show disapproval, such as: “I don’t have time right now…I’ll have to get back to you!” or “You’re so high maintenance!” or “I’m not in the mood tonight!” or “Who do you always expect to come first? You can’t always expect to be number one!” Non-verbal icing comes in the form of not writing back to an e-mail or not returning a call when that would otherwise be the custom.
3. Critiques. Criticizing the personality (or personal habits) of a talk partner, such as: “Why do you always have to be so negative!” or “Not EVERYone’s a perfectionist like you are!” or “You worry too much!” or “Why don’t you take some responsibility for a change?” or “There you go again…making a mountain out of a tiny mole hill!”
4. Slams. Disowning what is true about the self by blaming the partner for the projected trait(s), such as: “You can dish out criticism but you sure can’t take it!” or “It’s always ALL about you!” or “Why can’t you listen with an open mind for a change?” or “You are SO wrong about that!” or “You play the victim violin to get sympathy!” or “All you ever do is think about your own selfish needs…it’s big “I” and belittling ‘U’!”
5. Pessimism. Claiming that change CAN’T happen to you, such as: “BUT what can I do about it…I’ve been doing IT for so long now!” or “Why should I even try? I’m never, ever going to be good enough for you!” or “I’ve tried everything, but nothing works, so I give up!” or “I can’t do anything about IT because it’s out of my hands!” or “Whatever I try to do for you just makes things worse!”
6. Mad On. Using angry words or actions that derail calm talks, such as: “You’ve got a real anger issue, you know!” “Why can’t you control your temper?” or “There’s nothing to get so upset about!” or “Why can’t you just forgive the past and move on!” or “Don’t go away mad…just go away!” or “Why are you so mad at me when I’ve done nothing wrong?” or “You’re insane and out of control when you’re mad!”
7. Slanting. Slanting a discussion to lend proof to one’s viewpoint, such as: “Why can’t you just get over IT?” or “You claim to be a Christian but you can’t forgive.” or “Why do you have to always get so uptight?” or “Hey, read my hand…the past is over so get over IT!” or “Why are you always trying to control everything and everyone?”
8. Guilt Bombs. Detonating guilt bombs, such as: “After all I’ve done for you…this is your way of repaying me!” or “You’ve got to understand that I didn’t mean anything by it!” or “What did I do to you that made you say such hateful things to me?” or “Why are other people/things more important to you than me?”
9. Jumping To Conclusions. Jumping to conclusions when anxiety and worries mount, such as: “I know this isn’t going to work out!” or “This will be all my/your fault if something bad happens!” or “I know the other shoe is going to drop soon!” or “It’s no use trying to communicate with you!” or “Men aren’t very good communicators, so why expect them to be?”
10. Extremism. Using extreme thinking or emotions to win a point in a talk debate, such as: “Don’t blame me because I can’t make you feel anything!” “It’s not my fault!” “You are responsible for your own feelings and life!” “I didn’t mean to do it…IT was an accident so why are you so upset?” or “I can’t do anything about it…it’s out of my power!” or “Grow up! Here you are just throwing a fit and acting like a baby!”
In short, positive communication skills can save your business and yourself a load of grief…and they comprise the business of marriage and partnership. Hope is here: It’s never too late to spruce up your communication skills and add tools to your talk tool box.
Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a Clinical Professor at the Wright State University School of Professional Psychology. Dennis is also a communications psychologist from Dayton, Ohio, and the author of Talk to Me: Communication moves to get along with anyone at www.drogrady.com