In his golden years, Dr. Seuss wrote a tribute to life’s passages of change titled, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go!” It’s a wonder-filled story of life wisdom. High school and college graduates alike use it to flip off fear and toss guilt grenades to a place that’s safe. In any relationship, loads of fear and guilt, particularly, can fog in the ship of your dreams and make you feel lost and sunk.
When I was working on the “Guilt Bombs” article for my Web page, I was forcefully reminded just how prevalent interpersonal guilt is—and how guilt is used as a power play to force another against his/her will to do what others want them to. I also thought about how often, as a communications psychologist, I’ve heard a plethora of metaphors to describe how difficult IT can sometimes be to STOP being manipulated by guilt trippers who try to get our goat. Letting go of unearned and misplaced guilt and shame is a courageous challenge for us all.
Here are some of the “guilt metaphors” – verbal expressions used by others to load their guilt on everyone else – that I’ve heard in my 30-plus years of practicing positive psychology and communications skills and tools.
- “I packed my luggage and headed on a huge guilt trip!”
- “Guilt trippers can REALLY yank my chain!”
- “Why do I keep going on a guilt trip that leads to nowhere but down?”
- “I’m a guilt magnet, that’s for sure!”
- “I’m dripping with guilt!”
- “You can guilt me into doing anything!”
- “Guilt is like an anchor that I clutch onto until I drown!”
- “They dropped the guilt bomb on me, baby!”
- “Man…can they ever push my guilt buttons!”
- “Do I have a guilt target in red pasted on my forehead, or what?”
- “I’m drowning in guilt!”
- “I’ve got a guilt complex the size of Kansas!”
- “I don’t have anything to feel guilty about…BUT I still feel bad to the bone!”
- “What IF God is watching and judging ME?”
- “I feel guilty when I think of doing something for me…something selfish!”
- “All my parents would have to do is LOOK at me and I would cringe and slink away!”
- “They handed me a hand grenade of guilt with the pin pulled out!”
- “Guilt trippers live rent-free in my mind!”
- “It’s a sin to disobey your parents after all they’ve done for you!”
- “I hold onto a ‘hot potato of guilt’ until I’m burned up and seeing red!”
- “IF I don’t do what my friends/sister/brother want me to do, I feel BAD and guilt-ridden!”
- “I’m a sucker for the guilt…when it’s passed around I pick IT up!”
- “Guilt has a way of making me feel I’m NOT good enough!”
- “If I don’t do what THEY want, I feel guilty and ashamed of myself!”
- “I feel guilty when I can’t ‘turn the other cheek’ when people make me feel guilty about feeling mad!”
“Are you trying to make me feel guilty?” is an effective transaction to defuse guilt bombs.
When you’re asked to go on a guilt trip, don’t automatically pack your luggage and head for the door marked “down and out.” Learn effective ways to let go of unearned, unwarranted and unwanted guilt and shame. Your self-confidence will be juiced and boosted up for a positive change!
Dr. Dennis O’Grady has a new psychology book aimed at better communicating, Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone, available on this Web site for $39.95. “You can guilt me into doing or saying anything that pleases you!” reinforces the negative feeling that you are’t “good enough” to be loved just as you are–and that you should try harder and jump over more hurdles to prove you are worthy of being cared for. By asking “directive questions” or “assertive communication comebacks”…you will pull the fuse out of guilt bombs dropped on ya’ baby…and be more response-able.