You can either be responsive or be reactive when others you work or love feel mad. Empathizer communicators (E-types) are afraid of their own and others’ anger, while Instigator communicators (I-types) default to anger to avoid more vulnerable feelings. “I just don’t feel like talking about it!” is double-speak for “I don’t feel like getting into my emotions because I might get stuck there and stay down!”
PROMISING THE MOON BUT DELIVERING DIRT
It’s easy to open your mouth and speak like a jerk when you’re steamed. Just ask me. “When you sling mud, you lose ground!” means whenever you “go off” and speak the negative, you lose out! When you sling back mud or manure that has been thrown at you, who is responsible for making your hands dirty? Promises made, should be kept. Ask your partner or colleague if he or she is afraid to speak to you for fear of hurting you or making you mad. It’s the best excuse going nowadays to avoid growing as a positive person or couple through the avenue of painful emotions.
ME-JERK REACTIONS
Blaming-and-shaming a rider in your communication car shuts down good communication. Here’s some examples of talking like a jerk from ME-ville:
1. It’s not my fault.
2. It’s your problem not mine.
3. I don’t do it all the time.
4. Why can’t you get over it?
5. You’re a control freak!
6. I had to do it because it was the right thing to do!
7. Blood is thicker than water.
8. I’ve never said that I’m a saint.
You don’t need anyone to go to great lengths to make you happy, secure and confident. That’s your job.
ME-TALK TRANSACTIONS
You are response-able. Communication is 100% the issue. Here’s what the above transactions would sound like stated in a responsive vs. reactive way:
1. It’s not your fault because no one is at fault here!
2. Your problem is my problem, too. How can I be of help?
3. How can I change to make us both happier?
4. Talking through emotions is the best way to get over it!
5. I’m the leader of my own life which is my full-time job!
6. I can change my mind and do something that works better!
7. Blood may be thicker than water but it doesn’t taste as good!
8. You don’t have to be a perfect sinner, either!
Well, I was a little sarcastic on that last one, forgive me.
I DON’T WANT TO GIVE UP MY TRUE SELF TO BE LOVED BY YOU
You don’t think too much. You aren’t bossy. You know what you like and dislike. You don’t want to be who you are when it makes your partner mad. Are you feeling guilty for nothin’? If you worry that you make people angry by being you…then perhaps you are feeling angry for selling yourself short in a relationship that’s going nowhere. After all, you can’t make someone love you.
ABOUT PROFESSIONAL SPEAKER, MARRIAGE COUNSELOR AND RELATIONSHIP PSYCHOLOGIST DR. DENNIS O’GRADY
Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” O’Grady’s new communication system will show you how to talk in the language of your partner, child or business customer to create win-win problem-solving communication strategies. “A Beginner’s Guide to Communication” is freely available to study on Dr. O’Grady’s CommTools blog.