You don’t have a communication problem. You don’t have a communication problem you can’t fix. “Talk to Me” is a communication system that “keeps it simple” by using the metaphor of driving to discuss the business of positive and effective communication. Do you have a communication problem because you think that YOU are the problem and it’s all your fault?
DOES YOUR DRIVING STYLE LIGHT EVERYONE UP OR LET EVERYONE DOWN?
Communication is 100% the issue, because when you can communicate clearly, you have a much better chance of solving the problem. “What we try and resolve isn’t going away!” is another way of saying that old reoccurring problems (or no brakes) are taking the toll in your work or home life, or both. The bottom line: Does your communication style light up others, let everyone down, and how do you know for sure?
YOU’RE DRIVING SAFELY AND SANELY ON THE TWO-WAY COMMUNICATION HIGHWAY
Let’s simplify the communication process by using the driving metaphor to turn the spotlight on good communication. This is your DOT, or Dictionary of Talk.
COMMUNICATION EDUCATION CLASSES. You probably had some driver’s education classes. But what communication classes did you have when you were in grade school, high school or college? Thought so. Most people learn communication by flying by the seat of their pants. Did you graduate from the School of Communication Hard Knocks?
COMMUNICATOR’S/DRIVER’S LICENSE. This is what you get after you take the required communication driver’s education courses, learn the rules of the road and practice safe driving habits with a good coach.
ONE-WAY STREET. “It’s my way or the highway!” thinking, or one-way talks from control freaks.
ROAD RAGE. What happens as the result of drivers who suffer from a “knee-jerk, me-jerk” reaction that drops your I.Q. to one digit called the middle finger.
TWO-WAY TRAFFIC. “It’s my way, your way, our way, O.K.?!” dialogues instead of monologues.
BLIND SPOT. This is what happens when you’re unaware of, or don’t see, accidents waiting to happen because of a blind spot in your side mirror.
STOPPING TO ASK FOR DIRECTIONS. When lost, do you solve the problem by doing the new instead of repeating old patterns/habits that don’t work?
CUSTOMER SERVICE. Best exemplified by asking your #1 customer “So, how’s it goin’?” and listening with interest to the answer.
COMMUNICATOR COLLEGE. Your #1 customer is your partner, wife or husband. What grade are you getting in communicator college in their books?
2 COMMUNICATOR CARS. There are two colors of communicator cars. Either you drive an ocean-blue Empathizers’ car or a burnt-orange Instigators’ car. First things first: Which type of talk car are you, and on which side is your steering column?
4 TALK LANES. Empathizers driving the blue cars like to drive in the two lanes of Emotions and Talks. In contrast, Instigators driving the burnt orange cars prefer to drive in the 2 lanes of Beliefs and Behaviors.
BLARING RADIO. When the two different types of communicators try to talk, often what they hear is static, noise or worrisome and grating gunk on the airwaves…interference that affects dialogue.
FOG. Fog on the highway are all those emotions that are difficult to feel and still stay relatively calm and sane. They include feelings such as sorrow, shame, blame or guilt, fear, terror, and the embarrassment of not knowing.
SPEED LIMIT. Under stress, some people drive at “extremes” and may “rush” down the highway to get somewhere so fast that they either don’t enjoy the scenery or get pulled over by a policeperson and handed a ticket.
FLAT TIRE. Driving over a nail, or an antagonist putting a nail under your tire, creates a slow leak and a “flat mood that’s falling fast.” You can pump up your tire with positive inner talk and an optimisitic attitude.
LOW ON GAS. Energy is about “re-fueling” stops and gauging how much “gas” you have left before you run out.
ENERGY THIEFS. These are negative people, or pessimists, who siphon off your gas while trying to become a positive person, but in reality, they leave you feeling lost, empty or lonely.
DETOURS. These are represented by unhealthy anger that keeps you focused on blaming and trying to change others instead of being the leader of your own life and changing what you can, namely YOU.
ROAD MAP. You have a huge road map in your glove box to help you get where you want to go, although first you must decide what journey you would like to map out for your the next phase of your life.
BE IN THE DRIVER’S SEAT OF YOUR LIFE. No one else owns your life, and you don’t owe anyone your life, because you are free to drive where you need to. To drive down the road less traveled, you must first be in the driver’s seat of your life.
JUNK IN THE TRUNK. You carry relationship resentments around with you, right? You put these grudge bags in the trunk. Clearing out the junk in the trunk allows new things to come into your life.
BATTERY CHARGE. Negatalkers dim the emotional battery of Empathizers and dim the physical battery of Instigators in straightforward and devious ways.
ROAD SIGNS. Change means you’ve been driving to work the same way every day for years down the same communication highway, familiar with all the road signs along the way but always ignoring them because you know where you were going. Suddenly, one day the road signs turn to a different language, causing you to stop and question how to proceed.
ROAD KILL. It’s what happens (and what you feel like) when you and a talk passenger get into a fight and tell each other what you think…words that were better left unsaid.
“ARE WE THERE, YET?” This is the kind of “car talk” that strains your last nerve, and makes you feel that you are losing your concentration to the anxiety-anger-nervousness relationship cycle.
ROADBLOCKS. What obstacles stand in the way of you reaching your change destination on time?
IDIOT DRIVERS. These are “bad drivers” who make mistakes to make you feel like a goat on a rope in a power play.
POWER PLAY. This is what happens when you try to get your way at the expense of a relationship.
PAYBACKS ARE HELL, NOT SWELL. You know how it feels when you cut off someone in traffic? Or slam on the brakes to scare the life out of the idiot who deserves to be taught a lesson by someone like you? That’s a hellish payback…dangerous, and not always that effective to eject the negative person from your skull.
FEEDBACK. Critical or complimentary feedback about how and why to drive better or more safely without losing face.
BLAMING AND SHAMING. Making yourself right, and the other person wrong, doesn’t right anything that’s been turned over.
TOW TRUCK DRIVER. Let’s hear it for Communications coaches who can help you get on the road again after you’ve spun off the road or been involved in an accident.
GUILT BOMBS. Best described as someone else’s problems/blaming dropped on ya’ when you are in the middle of enjoying the scenery.
ROAD TAR. A good wash and wax removes the road dirt and grit, the grease and grime of tough travelin’ times. This is because you pick up tar and dings from the roadway.
POTHOLES. Be prepared for unexpected trip-ups and all sorts of things that go bump in the night..things that make people curse aloud (or under their breath).
ATMOSPHERE/ENVIRONMENT. It’s the hot-cold regulator of you life: don’t turn on the heat when it’s already hot outside, but do keep cool when things heat up (communicationally speaking).
TYPES OF RELATIONSHIPS. You are in either a Controlling, a Friendship or a Loving Relationship with yourself AND with all the passengers in the car.
KEYS TO UNLOCK DOORS. There are “little keys” to unlock all the locked doors of communication, the very doors that prohibit getting in your communicator car to begin your journey.
CRASH INSURANCE. Think of it as “relationship enhancement counseling” and inspirational messages about getting a grip on good communication…before it’s too late.
Talk positively by using an optimistic attitude about your travels on the two-way communicator highway. When you are cut off in traffic, you don’t have to revert to non-verbal gestures but smile instead as you go on your way to a better day.
ABOUT EFFECTIVE LEADERSHIP COMMUNICATION SEMINAR LEADER AND KEYNOTE SPEAKER DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.
Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the developer of the “Talk to Me” communication system that improves strategic decisions and positive results for companies and families. He is a communications psychologist from Dayton, Ohio, and founder of New Insights Communication. “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone” is available at www.drogrady.com and Amazon.