Really, now, can you take a little constructive criticism? In fact, how do you give or take constructive criticism without getting all bent out of shape? Sure, “constructive feedback” is supposed to improve empathy and performance, but does it in fact lead to changes that are good for all? For example, “You’re always late for our meetings!” has a bit of a hook or barb stuck in it, making it difficult for the intended target to respond productively and non-defensively. Oh, criticism can make you feel as unimportant as a ketchup spot on a table after a big party.
LASER-SHARP COMMUNICATION
Good communication is supposed to be laser-sharp and to the point without sticking it to the other person with character assassinations that usually start “You always ___” or “You never ____.” Bad communication is akin to being a “cop” who catches a “speeder” and hands out a ticket that makes further travel troubled.
Would you agree with these tips for handling the sharp knife of criticism without getting cut?
1. The criticism is supposed to be to the point without being pointed. But if the person delivering criticism has bottled up frustrations over time, the words that eventually come out can poke the flesh like a sharp, pointed spear.
2. The criticism is supposed to be fair–and fairly specific. For example, “you are late to our meetings about every other time and it holds things up.”
3. The criticism is supposed to be a new call for action, not a replay of a whiny past complaint. The point of criticizing is to imply or openly suggest an alternative behavior that would work better for the relationship.
4. The criticism is supposed to ask for change, not knock a listener in the head with a revenge club that demands change. Threatening someone isn’t the same as offering feedback with an option to “take it or leave it.”
5. The criticism is supposed to tie things together, not break things asunder. For example, “When you DO ____, how it makes me feel is ____.”
6. The criticism is supposed to be free of blame and shame. Slapping someone with a long litany of unhealthy anger (e.g., “I’m right and you’re a numbskull for a dipstick!”) creates a “wieners and losers” games people play battle.
7. The criticism is supposed to result in increased honesty and open up lines of communication. It doesn’t result in fear of loss of your job or the relationship.
So that’s the rationale for rational criticism that is emotion-free and helpful. Aren’t you glad to be on the giving or receiving end of healthy feedback? I bet. Had any feedback lately? Hardly? No wonder we’re shy to speak up in a roomful of gigantic egos.
I DON’T CARE WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK
Why do you have to take constructive criticism? Well, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to and that’s why many perfectly good relationships don’t survive much less thrive. Using constructive criticism, by definition, means something new and positive happens around the Communicator Table, and something negative is hauled away to the dump. But you can either care too much, or too little, about what others think of you. For purposes of rationality, you can hear out a criticism without immediately agreeing or disagreeing with it. The ultimate purpose of feedback is to tell you how you’re doing in a relationship, what you’re doing well, and what needs improving without smudging an ego like a bug against the windshield of your car.
ANGER CONFORMITY
Criticism has gotten such a bad name because traditionally it’s been used to shame and blame a person into conformity or expectational group norms that may or may not be healthy. A rule that says “We can talk about anything!” is best for good communication that includes accounting for how your behavior and words impact a relationship. When there isn’t constructive criticism, people will feel like they’re walking on eggshells, or sitting on broken glass in their communicator car, ready to be hauled over and given a ticket for speeding on a one-way Communication Highway (or worse, hauled to the junk yard).
ABOUT DR. DENNIS O’GRADY, PSY.D., DEVELOPER OF THE “TALK TO ME” POSITIVE AND EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION SYSTEM
Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a communications psychologist, interpersonal communication workshop leader, developer of the “Talk to Me” positive and effective communication system and banquet speaker. In his 30+ years experience of clinical psychology and psychotherapy, Dennis has found that giving and receiving negative feedback is one of the most misused and misunderstood communication skills that is the most difficult to learn. In fact, Empathizer communicators (E-types) tend to take others’ criticisms too personally and offer criticisms too slowly, while Instigator communicators (I-types) tend to offer criticisms too quickly and take criticisms too impersonally. Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the author of three books, the most recent is “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.”