Foggy communicators really fog things up… looking around while they’re driving, drinking coffee, talking on a cell phone, hollering at another driver, turning up the hit song on the radio, and guess what? You get steamed like a sardine. Well, we all act like idiots sometimes. We all push people away out of awareness using bad talk moves. There are no bad apples in the communication orchard, because we all can learn smooth communication moves.
NO BAD APPLES IN THE COMMUNICATION ORCHARD?
Jesse Jackson said, “Never look down on anybody unless you’re helping him up.” 14 ways to tell if you’re talking from a me-centered vs. a relationship-centered perspective that shuts down good talk:
1. Negative communication is hard work. Nothing is straightforward or simple with the bad communicator, so getting straight talk from their crooked world is near impossible.
2. Blocked communication. Bad communication blocks and all but closes down the ability to change. Open communication means listening to constructive negative feedback instead of firing sympathetic souls who insist on speaking a truth you may not want to hear.
3. One-way communication. One-way talk strives to win at all costs. Bad communicators aren’t generous, and in fact are very stingy. Winning is perceived as “taking more instead of giving more.”
4. Dishonest communication. Bad communicators play stupid games and change the rules of the game or the time left to play it. They justify “cheating” when caught with “BUT I didn’t mean to…my bad!”
5. Controlling communication. Unethical communicators live for the thrill of control. “The harder I try to control, the behinder I get in all my relationships!” is not the awareness the control freak “gets.”
6. Me-centered communication. It’s just all-ways always about what’s convenient or inconvenient for me, in my never-ending quest to never-ever want to appear to be in the wrong or willing/able to admit that I’m anything less than a perfect know-it-all.
7. “Poor, poor, pitiful me” communication. Sob stories make us all feel sympathetic, when we assume that life happens TO you instead of WITH you. When there are victims and villains, psychodrama abounds.
8. “I’m owed big-time” communication. Victim talkers are hard to pin down with all their “road noise.” They expect extra compensation from your insurance company for the troubles they’ve seen.
9. Lazy communication. Lazy communication closes down talk avenues by erecting roadblocks, while active or open communication builds bridges.
10. Aggressive communication. Bully communicators won’t take no for an answer; they’ll hammer away at your point of view until you give in or give up your right to talk.
11. Change-resistive communication. Resisting change means you don’t change what isn’t working, or open-mindedly adopt “mini experiments” to uncover what will work better.
12. Head-spinning communication. A talker who refuses to admit that he or she is wrong, and implies that the responsibility to “fix” the problem resides somewhere else. A head-spinner tells you that you’ve got to figure this huge puzzle out all by your lonesome.
13. Apples-to-oranges communication. Fast talkers switch topics and connive to convince you that a shriveled grape is a red shiny apple, or that apples and oranges are alike and interchangeable.
14. Distracting communication. Miscommunication is a constant cycle of self-doubt and second-guessing. It’s like a track wreck waiting to happen to a car as it tries to beat the odds of getting across the tracks before the crossbar drops.
You can tell a lot about a person by how they drive. When you’re cut off in traffic, how do you react? Empathizer-type drivers typically default to the other driver getting ahead, while Instigator-type drivers can lose their cool more easily when falling behind.
CAN’T QUITE PIN DOWN A SLIPPERY TALKER?
Slippery and slick passive-aggressive communicators play by their own rules and thwart yours. They key your parked car, leaving a long scratch down the side of it. Later, they will astound you by implying that you are to blame for parking your car in the wrong spot.
A SQUARE PEG IN A ROUND HOLE
Are you bruising your hands and making your knuckles bleed by trying to force the square peg of a bad communicator into the round hole of good communication? Put simply: There’s nothing to figure out because a bad communicator simply makes bad things happen.
ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST AND CORPORATE TRAINER DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.
Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a professional keynote speaker and leadership communication consultant who is the developer of the Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone system. The system assists managers be better communicators, and builds high-quality teamwork, that nets better decisions that are easier to implement and produce measurably positive results. You’ll be on higher ground when you understand that Empathizer and Instigator communicators are like apples and oranges, each perfectly acceptable in their own light, and very different in your eyes when you can see.