BEING IGNORANT DOESN’T MEAN YOU’RE STUPID
Most misunderstandings and relationship conflicts are caused by ignorance of communicator styles. “I’m more swayed by others opinions,” is a prime example of Empathizer-type (E-type) communicators. “I’m comfortable disagreeing or debating an issue,” is more typical of the Instigator-type (I-type) communicator. When you flexibly adopt each type’s opposing set of communication rules or life viewpoints, you will discover, “People energize me instead of drain me.”
INTERPERSONAL INSENSITIVITY VS. SENSITIVITY TRAINING
People don’t ordinarily intend to be difficult or mean. They are simply acting in the dark or dim light of restricted thinking about “one size fits all” communication. That’s why men and women become lazy and complacent by blaming the opposite sex for their travel troubles on the two-way communication highway. Thus, E-types benefit from “insensitivity training” so that what annoying people say is taken less personally. I-types benefit from “sensitivity training” or taking relationship distress signals more personally.
WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO AGREE WITH YOU OR YOUR WAY OF DOING THINGS?
E-type partners shut up and shut down when their I-type talk partners don’t appear to want to hear what they’re trying to say. Then an I-typer will lament, “I didn’t realize anything was wrong. It just came out of the blue at me.” The following relationship sentiments and rules are what E-types, whether a male or female, don’t know about I-types:
1. Why do I always have to play by your rules? I-types dislike being backed into a corner where logical arguments fail them.
2. But I didn’t intend to hurt you or be insensitive. I-types dislike being at fault for a communication breakdown or emotional meltdown.
3. That’s not exactly what I said. I-types are natural trial attorneys who can split hairs and convincingly argue a fine point of relationship law.
4. You’ve got to take responsibility for your own feelings. I-types assume that co-communicators oughtn’t wear their feelings openly on a shirt sleeve.
5. I like to take my time and make a careful decision. I-types work on their own time schedule and dislike being pushed or prodded to make a decision.
6. That I say I’ll consider it—doesn’t mean I’ll do it. I-types are the world’s best procrastinators and imply that they will take many actions which are ultimately left undone.
7. You’re not going to tell me what to think or do. I-types feel trapped and backed against a wall when they perceive that the contributions they are expected to make to a relationship are externally dictated.
8. I had no control over that. I-types resent and balk at being required to stick to specific behavioral agreements with designated performance time lines.
9. I think that’s an exaggeration. I-types quickly point out extremes in thinking as in “You never….” or “You always….”
10. I never said I would do it by then. I-types are “logicians” who use precise logical arguments to throw you off the central point of the discussion.
11. It’s easier to be a saint than to live with one. I-types will criticize their talk partners for being too perfect and unreasonably expecting “perfect” relationship actions.
To be better communicators, we must become more able to walk in the shoes of our opposite communicator type.
TUNE IN, TURN ON, DROP THE GUILT
You know how I-types tune in to self, while E-types tune in to others. A mix or combination communicator type tunes in to everything and everyone. Can you be both types now? No, not until you study and use the “Talk to Me” system which is designed to make you a more confident communicator who appreciates the communicator strengths and Achilles heel of everyone.
WOMEN TALK MORE THAN MEN?
Here is a comment from a recent trainee: “You dispelled the myth that because my wife is a woman, that she doesn’t get it because I’m a man. My wife can take the conversation in a totally different direction, and I thought it was because she is an emotionally-based woman. But now I know that I’m an Instigator and my wife is an Empathizer. If we learn your communicator trait system, I believe we can learn to communicate better, and we won’t miscommunicate as often. Also, I can apply this to my profession. If I can put myself in the customers shoes, and understand where their coming from, I can go further in business, too.”
WHO IS DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.?
Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D., is a Dayton region corporate trainer, relationship communications coach, and developer of the “Talk to Me” positive and effective communication system. “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone” is Dennis’s third book, which is currently available at www.drogrady.com and at Amazon.com.