RELATIONSHIP EFFECTIVENESS PROGRAM
My heart always leaps for joy when I work with a couple who wants to improve their communication skills, before they get married. Why? Research has shown that when a couple invests a few hours, before they get married, in communication training with a professional psychologist, it’s like they’re taking out an insurance policy to prevent divorce. Could exploring relationship talk patterns really be that important?
WHAT A COUPLE NEEDS TO KNOW ABOUT GOOD COMMUNICATION, BEFORE THEY GET MARRIED
Communication-wise, an ounce of prevention is worth a ton of cure or treatment. In just a few meetings, the couple and I take a good look at and talk deeply about potential pitfalls and walls which they would likely encounter as a newly married couple. Then we discuss and brainstorm ways to deal with those situations.
1. YOU CAN’T COMPARE APPLES AND ORANGES. Your communicator type counts for so much because you’re either an apple or orange in the communication orchard. Statistically, the typical pattern is for your partner to have the opposite of your communicator type. For example, the woman would be an Empathizer-type communicator, while the man is an Instigator-type communicator. Opposites do seem to attract, but will the bond last? If you don’t know about the two communicator types, you are driving with one-eye closed on a very busy, two-way communicator highway!
2. COMMUNICATOR KNOWLEDGE UNLEASHES THE POWER OF A POSITIVE RELATIONSHIP ATTITUDE. In a typical in-love couple, many misunderstandings will occur, causing hurt feelings and resentments to take hold and flourish. With knowledge of the key differences in attitude for Empathizer (E-type) and Instigator (I-type) communicators, you will avoid taking many unwanted wrong turns and detours on the Communicator Highway. Isn’t avoiding costly communication mistakes worth the price of a few hours spent with a relationship communications psychologist or the price of a book on good communication? Of course!
3. BAD COMMUNICATION HABITS ARE EASY TO COME BY. Under stress, couples-in-trouble easily adopt bad communication habits that stick if they are not replaced with appropriate communication habits. Why? We haven’t been taught how to quickly and courteously quell someone who constantly interrupts, talks down to, or rebuffs. Bad communication habits, power plays, and silent standoffs are disrupted by using the Talk2Me© effective communication system.
4. THE ROAD MAP. Couples co-create their own marriage as co-communicators. Nothing happens by chance. What is the road map for your journey together through a long and loving life together? Where does this map come from? During one of our meetings, I have the couple list 12 positive relationship attitudes they each would like to see in their marriage. For example, “To talk openly about anything without blaming anyone.” “To enjoy healthy friendships with other couples.” “To encourage robust sexuality.” “To stick within our financial budget and enjoy our prosperity.”
5. BUMPS IN THE ROAD. Although occasional discord is quite common between the partners in a newly married couple, they often panic when things aren’t peachy. But the bumps in the road can make your communicator car feel as if it were hanging over a cliff, held in place by the thinnest of threads, ready to crash and burn below in a canyon of worry. To prepare for such times, we identity challenges the couple must face together, free of fear. For example, whether to loan money to a family member; how to deal with pesky in-laws who put the couple on the outs; loss of a beloved mother or father; relocation due to career advancement or change; rules to disrupt unfair fights and how to sincerely apologize; avocational and religious observations; when to have kids and how to parent; and how to address — and change — bad habits, such as alcohol abuse or excessive worrying.
6. AFFIXING BLAME FIXES NOTHING. Unproductive blame games are the bane of every loving couple. It’s SO-O easy to blame the person instead of the problem…and then a partner can feel guilty and withdraw, causing more hurt feelings, misunderstandings, and misinterpretations. The point isn’t to point a finger of blame, but rather to fix problems in little steps without hurrying, steadily improving the couples’ confidence that together they are good communicators during sunny and stormy times. Pre-marital counseling identifies dead-end talk alleys to avoid, while it provides the tools to use on a detour.
7. LOVE IS A TWO-SIDED COIN. Love will make you feel everything you are afraid of feeling, so that you are able to heal old wounds and get rid of all that guilt baggage you no longer need to carry. But partners can turn white from fear when good feelings turn into ugly dark feelings. Not to worry! Love will sometimes seem lost, or missing in communication action. But, in reality it is very strong behind-the-scenes. Unfortunately, only an experienced couple knows this to be true, while the inexperienced couple must accept this fact on faith.
8. REMOVING RESENTMENTS. Fights happen. Having the same stupid fight over and over again happens. Each individual has a set of implied talk rules to create fairness, equality, and respect. I believe that each partner is 50% co-responsible for making things right when the apple cart has been turned over. Otherwise, stupid turns on the Talk Highway will end in each partner’s being a back-seat driver, angering the partner who’s driving. Walls of resentment kill happiness, peace of mind, and fun sexuality.
9. WHO’S TO BLAME FOR THIS MESS? No one is to blame. That’s right, no one is to blame. However, there is a problem to fix, through an open-minded discussion of alternatives and utilization of new talk strategies. Hard fact: Each partner who blames the person of the other partner for problems instead of the communicator type of the other partner, is being self-defeating. Intimate knowledge of your communicator type and how to employ the characteristics and talk strategies of the opposite type, makes for smoother traveling on the two-way communicator highway.
YOU DON’T CARE…YOU’RE NOT LISTENING…YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND…WHY DON’T YOU EVER LISTEN TO ME?
Debating doesn’t work to any great extent to advance good communication. Truly listening to divergent, rich, and different viewpoints does work. Talking negatively, such as, “You just don’t understand!” increases negative feelings. The last third of Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone, focuses on talking positively during emotional times. Why take the time and make the effort? Negative feelings increase the chance for negative actions to occur, causing your communicator car to crash far from home. You no longer have to walk alone when you use the new talk technology at your disposal in Talk to Me.
WHO IS TALK DOC DENNIS O’GRADY?
Dennis O’Grady, Psy.D., provides pre-marital counseling, marriage counseling, and relationship communication coaching in Dayton, Ohio. Dennis is the author of the powerful new communication system found only in “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along with Anyone.” Talk2Me© quickly helps you understand your and your talk partner’s communicator types. Also provided are talk tools and strategies which help you converse effectively when emotions are high and logic is low. The Talk2Me© system is used in corporate training, too, since good communication principles are similar at home and work. Dr. O’Grady is available by phone at (937) 428-0724 or at dennis@drogrady.com.