STUCK IN A COMMUNICATION RUT WITH YOUR LIFE PARTNER?
Are you too scared to talk to someone? That’s not an uncommon characteristic of communication; namely, that we don’t say anything at all when we most need to. Not communicating is as common as, or more typical than, miscommunicating. You won’t change your communication patterns or ways? Way uncool! Why? Because you will be stuck in a rut, spinning your wheels and feeling worthless or inadequate. So, let’s come up with some solutions to life’s relationship riddles, instead of wearing the tread on your tires thin.
FOOL ME ONCE, SHAME ON YOU…FOOL ME TWICE, SHAME ON ME
You don’t want to carry baggage, and you don’t want to misunderstand your talk or life partner, who is most likely your opposite communicator type. The following communication scenario is an Empathizer-Instigator couple. Really, Empathizers — or E-types — don’t speak up enough when they ought to, for fear of being rejected flat out. Here’s how one sensitive E-type communications client put it:
Why wasn’t I clued in? My stir-the-pot Instigator partner has one foot out the door. Our relationship has been going through a number of changes recently. We’re at a change crossroads of sorts, including retirement and grown kids who still need financial help. I’m a pack rat and my partner resents that. How can we relocate when I can’t even take the junk to the curb? I feel emotionally overwhelmed by it all…flooded with emotion that’s causing a great commotion!
You don’t want to stew, fret, worry, retaliate, avoid, attack, talk behind backs, whiny-baby complain, or resist re-creating your life by making needed changes…do you?
ARE YOU TOO SLOW TO CHANGE?
Here are common critiques of Empathizer or E-type communicators by Instigator or I-type communicators. Are these typical Achilles heels of the E-type communicators you know?
TOO slow to change
TOO cautious
TOO flooded by emotion
TOO humble and nice as apple pie
TOO accepting of lame excuses
TOO scared
TOO trusting of words as gospel
TOO conflict-avoidant
TOO afraid to “just talk”
TOO shaken to shake off hurt
TOO reeling from rejection
TOO personal at work
TOO business at love
PUT OFF PROCRASTINATING?
There are differences in procrastination habits between Empathizer-type and Instigator-type communicators. A Communication CliffsNotes version:
I. Empathizer communicators. E-types are too slow to change, are too cautious, and they procrastinate when feeling scared and depleted.
II. Instigator communicators. I-types are too quick to change, are too reckless, and they procrastinate when feeling bored and empty.
I’M ANGRY WITH MY ACTIONS AND MY LACK OF ACTIONS
Here’s the self-talk of another stalling-out Empathizer (E-type) communicator who’s feeling WAY too emotional to put off procrastinating and just move on:
Generally, my life is great. I’ve accomplished a lot. I know I am loved. I am in a good mood. I am reaching most of my goals. I’m improving my communication skills using the Talk to Me© system.
What are the cons then? As an E-type, I still let my emotions get in the way of so much in my life. I spend money foolishly based on my feelings. Emotions cause me to be late to work, and how I feel affects my productivity. If I get stressed out, I turn to drugs to escape, instead of other, more productive means.
Bottom line: I’m afraid to move on. I’m letting all this get to me. My emotions keep me from moving on…my feelings totally get in the way of my moving on. Lately, I’ve been letting things get out of hand with credit cards, too. With everything that’s going well for me, why do I continue to bring myself down? I am angry with my actions and my lack of actions.
ARE YOU TOO SLOW TO CHANGE?
Let’s face it. You have to find time to help yourself grow and change, to be good to you. Making needed personal changes to improve your communication skills will also positively impact your relationships. But a good relationship with yourself is a prerequisite to the Course on Good Communication.
WHO IS RELATIONSHIP COACH AND CORPORATE COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.
Dennis O’Grady, Psy.D. delivers couples communication skills, executive coaching, and corporate training which solves pesky problems by producing positive results. Dennis is the original researcher and developer of the powerful Talk to Me© positive and effective communication system. The Talk Doctor’s compete textbook of good talk is Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along with Anyone, which is available by calling (937) 428-0724 or at www.drogrady.com and Amazon.