I’M ONLY TEASING
“I’ve got to check with THE WIFE!” communicates what to you? I often hear this statement from guys, and it knocks my psychotherapist hat off. Said sarcastically by a strong-willed decider, Instigator-type communicator, what does this spoken transaction imply when psychoanalyzed under the Talk to Me© microscope? And how might “the wife,” who is typically an Empathizer-type communicator, feel about being referred to in this humorous manner?
SARCASM OR ASSERTIVE TALKING?
What does “I’ve got to check with THE WIFE!” imply or shout out to you and yours?
1. IT SOUNDS INSENSITIVE implies that the partner has a sensitivity problem or is oppressive….Akin to “I’ve got to check with the boss!”
2. IT’S IMPERSONAL implies a lack of commitment to clear communication.
3. IT’S NITPICKING. “I need to check WITH my wife….” sounds warmer and more respectful.
4. SHOWS LACK OF OWNERSHIP, which makes the person more of an object and a focus of complaining.
5. WOMAN’S GOT THE POWER? This implies that a wife makes all the important relationship calls and has the power to wield the final vote on important decisions.
6. IT DEPERSONALIZES….Sounds like one’s wife isn’t a flesh-and-blood human being who needs TLC.
7. IT SOUNDS DEMEANING. Men aren’t wimpy boys who kick little puppy dogs, are they?
How about me? What do I do? I make all the communication mistakes I teach about. Check with THE wife? Nah. I’ve first got to check with myself, to determine if I want to invest in the buddy relationship, and then I might TALK WITH my wife.
ARE YOU AN INSENSITIVE BOOB?
Instigator communicators are great teasers and can wield the knife of sarcasm or frosty silence like a surgeon. Those I-types who are married to Empathizers, don’t understand how E-types dwell on these “little word games that don’t mean anything.” One client said, “Why do I have to be so careful with my chosen words? My wife sits and mulls things over and goes into a quiet depressive funk thinking about it and then blurts out blurbs of what has been bothering her for weeks! How am I supposed to deal with that?!” How? By using words that are truthful and accurate.
DID YOU MEAN WHAT YOU JUST SAID?
An assertive E-type comeback is, “Did you mean what you just said, or are you just kidding?!” That assertion cuts through confusing communication. “Why should I have to watch my words?!” you say? In fact, one I-type fires back to his wife: “Well, what did I actually say?!” Not funny….
ABOUT TALK DOC, DENNIS E. O’GRADY
Dennis O’Grady, Psy.D., is known as the Talk Doc since the advent of his positive and effective communication system, Talk to Me©. Dennis is president of the Dayton Psychological Association and is a clinical professor at the Wright State University School of Professional Psychology. His talk textbook, Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone, received the 2008 Axiom Business Book Award Silver Medal.