“Venters” are bulls who charge through the china shop
Venting isn’t talking. “We’ve got to talk!” can be the opening salutation of a useless discussion that carries repercussions. Venting is letting off steam or debating to win points instead of discussing. At its worst, venting is shredding the self-esteem of another with the purpose to gain the upper hand and resist relationship improvement.
Can we talk? What is “venting” and who are the “venters” among us? And how does venting differ from constructive talking?
In short, venting is taking out your anger on a talk partner.
“Venting” disrupts and distracts effective talking by pouring fuel onto the fire of dissatisfaction, smoldering anger or unfair fights.
In a power play, venting is shaming another person for being, feeling or believing what they do or are. “Spew on you!” is defensive-and it just plain doesn’t work in the passionate world of cool talk.
“Venters” are closed-off communicators stuck in a blame cycle
“Venters” (such as you and I) are closed-off communicators who are playing the blame game instead of openly sharing vulnerabilities. When venting, you and I are the proverbial bulls who charge through the china shop, turning everything upside down while leaving a listener all riled up.
Venting prevents deeper, authentic feelings and thoughts to come out from behind resentment walls in search of constructive discussion.
The TALK PROFILE of a VENTER:
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- Talks down to others
- Talks up the self
- Seeks mightily to control
- Expects others to change quickly
- Protests his/her right not to change
- Misuses healthy anger: “Telling the truth hurts you!”
- Scares you off topic with debates, silences, put offs, put downs, glares
- Lives by The Rusty Rule of Revenge: “You should pay up to make up since it’s your fault!”
- Dishes out rewards when you agree to tow his/her line
- Does only what is convenient for him/her
- Is Hell-bent on punishment, not Heaven-bent on forgiveness
- Won’t issue a small apology for a big mistake
- Narcissism: “What’s best for you is how I believe your life ought to be!”
- Spreads guilt thickly to force his/her agenda
- Resists change because: “Nothing’s wrong with me!”
- Habitually uses bullying talk tactics that just plain don’t work well
Venting means the voice of reason and civility become a lonesome cry in the wilderness. It’s akin to walking through a mine field at night, without a guiding lantern or map.
Venters fertilize the gossip grapevine, play mind games, make others nervous by putting them under a disapproving microscope, beat down a good mood, exclude others who don’t kneel before their ego, and escape taking responsibility for being part of the problem or the solution. In the venting mode, you and I shut down, close off and shut up others who may have valuable feedback. If you don’t think you ever vent unproductively-think again.
I don’t know about you, but I believe that sticks, stones and words can and do break bones…and they tear holes in hearts, too.
YOU CAN TALK ONLY WHEN YOU DON’T HAVE TO
If a venter is encouraged to “get it all out,” then you feel gutted and gutless-no one wins. There is a time to supremely say, “Stop, in the name of talk!”
Why do we give “talking” a bad reputation when we mean ‘venting a spleen’?
Always remember this pillar of talking that works: The true freedom to talk is steeped in the freedom not to. “Talking” is not an excuse to lecture, lash someone with a wet noodle or verbally accost a person who disagrees with you. Bottom line: Your talk is either working or it’s not working.
Here’s how to talk like a pro when talks veer off track:
I don’t want to get into it with you.
This isn’t working.
I think we ought to stop re-hashing the issues.
We’re not getting anywhere useful.
I’m done talking for now.
I think we’re getting off track.
I don’t think talking more at this point will be productive.
I’ve lost my cool and I’m feeling vulnerable.
I’m saying what I don’t mean.
We’ve got to table it for now.
We can talk later when we both calm down.
We’re running around in circles.
I don’t want to get into this any more right now.
“Can sticks and stones break bones?” as the ancient advice bellows?
Today, communication bullies who vent in the name of talk come in all shapes, genders, sizes and eras. If your co-communicator “gets it off their chest” but then you feel like the “weight of the world” has been placed on your shoulders-then words have become the sticks and stones that can and do break your bones.
Don’t tear out the tongue of your fellow talker. In the name of talk, do something different for a change.
Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a communications psychologist from Dayton, Ohio, and the author of TALK TO ME: Commuication moves to get along with anyone at www.drogrady.com