How To Talk To An Insensitive Partner

TALK TODAY: YOUR EMOTIONAL I.Q. IS THROUGH THE ROOF

There ARE effective ways to talk to an “insensitive partner” if you know the secrets of what makes your partner tick and what makes him/her walk away ticked off.

For example, I’ve talked to three concerned mothers this week, and they’re all searching for answers as to whether their respective children might be suffering from extreme mood swings known as Bipolar Mood Disorder. Although all of us ride on a mood roller coaster once in awhile, mood issues are especially dicey for “sensitive people,” also known as Empathizer-type (E-type) communicators.

So how to talk to an “insensitive partner” about emotional issues? And what do you do when YOU are the “sensitive” partner or Empathizer-type communicator…and you have to get through to the “insensitive” partner or Instigator-type communicator? Great question dear reader, and boy, how you make me think! (Actually you use the Beliefs mode of talk…more about that later.)

Here’s how an Empathizer-type mother can talk to an Instigator-type father about their “moody” child who is having “anger outbursts” at school and at home:

1. E-type says: Are you frightened by Johnny’s outbursts and behavior?
2. I-type responds: No, he’s just acting like a typical boy.

3. E-type says: It’s not helping our child if we deny that there’s a problem.
 4. I-type responds: I’m not in denial about anything.

5. E-type says: I’ll spin my wheels if you’re not on board with me.
6. I-type responds: Why do you think I’m not on your side when I don’t see things like you do?

7. E-type says: You haven’t noticed the temper tantrums and anger outbursts?
8. I-type responds: Sure…I just think you’re making too big a deal out of this.

9. E-type says: Maybe I am taking this too personally. Who knows? Do you respect my judgment on parenting matters?
10. I-type responds: Absolutely. You’re a great mother whose head’s in the right place.

11. E-type says: I wish I could make this pain go away, too, for Johnny.
12. I-type responds: Yeah…I’d like to take the pain out of him and fix it like I do with stuff!

13. E-type says: I don’t want this to be a problem either.
14. I-type responds: I don’t want to be acting like I don’t care…because I do…and actually I’m a little worried.

15. E-type says: I don’t like this problem, but we have to find solutions.
16. I-type responds: I hate it… Johnny’s too young to be having such a big issue! He’s my boy!!

17. E-type says: We need to find and use helpful tools to address this together.
18. I-type responds: I don’t have time to be running all over town to doctors.

19. E-type says: Just because we don’t want this to be true…we shouldn’t convince ourselves that it isn’t true.
20. I-type responds: I know I can act like an ostrich sometimes and bury my head in the sand or become preoccupied with my work.

21. E-type says: The worst hurt I’ve ever felt is when Johnny is hurting.
22. I-type responds: Yeah, you might as well just chop off my head–but focusing on it doesn’t make anything any better!

23. E-type says: The chickens will come home to roost if we ignore this problem.
24. I-type responds: No doubt. We’ve got to try doing something different. What should we do first?

Tragically, when “old” talk tools are used, the couple as parents will end up fighting to a standoff…and nothing new would happen to help Johnny.

What did we just demonstrate together in the example above? You talk INtelligently IN the language or I-type lingo of ideas. You use the talk mode of Beliefs (B1) to discuss what you believe, facts and plans of action that the Instigator typically relies on to get great results. In short, you use your own strengths and those of your co-communicator to get a difficult job done right for a change.

So please hear this: You are not a pain in the neck, dear Empathizer reader, BUT a joy in the brain! Always remember that your Emotional I.Q. is through the roof and everyone respects it! Do you believe it and see IT?

Or are you too busy giving yourself a verbal spanking…or lashing yourself 1,000 times with a wet noodle? The choice is yours…and your mood depends upon what you choose to think about you NOW.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the founder of New Insights Communication, a firm specializing in interactive teaching of change management and communication skills tools. Dennis hails from Dayton, Ohio, and is the author of TALK TO ME

Why Teamwork at Work isn’t Working

IS IT TEAMWORK OR MEWORK?

This makes sense to anyone who works in a place where the company mission statement says “teamwork” but the reality is the same old “me, me, me” and backbiting that most of us are familiar with.

Who’s paddling your canoe? Are you part of teamwork or mework? Imagine you and your team are straining to paddle down a rain-filled river. Here’s what NOT to do for a change:

1. Just paddle. Just paddling won’t work because you might be paddling in the wrong direction.

2. Just paddle the way you’ve always paddled. If you and your team are paddling in different directions, you will go round and round in circles and feel exasperated.

3. Just be positive and all paddle together and you’ll get there. True, you will get “somewhere” but the “where” you get to may not be the “there” you need to go.

4. Just paddle harder when times are tough. When what you’re doing to resolve a problem isn’t working and your solution is to paddle harder and harder and HARDER, then what you’re doing isn’t working…and you risk exhausting yourself. Doing more of what isn’t working still won’t work.

5. Just talk bombastically. Talking optimistically with great enthusiasm about why results are just around the next bend is knuckleheaded flamboyancy and unreal extremism. Heady inspiration that lacks perspiration is perfectionism mixed with procrastination. Cheap talk spurns measuring “good enough” results.

6. Just sink into debating the “right” and “wrong” ways to paddle. Heated debating is the typical diversion to avoid the change game of doing something different. In other words, talking high and mightily about the fine art and brainy theory of paddling isn’t the same as doing effective paddling.

7. Just badmouth your partner for being a “difficult paddler.” When you blame a fellow communicator for your mutual problems, then your partner will put down his/her paddle, lay it across the canoe and begin to argue and debate back with you…and nothing new will happen. And hey! Watch out for that tree limb that will knock you out of the canoe!

8. Just interrupt by talking over a listener or louder and louder. Are you defensively proclaiming “It’s not my fault?!” WHO may or may not be at fault diverts attention away from WHAT needs to happen differently NOW. You may be a legend in your own mind of canoeing, but talk is cheap, and talking big when you feel small creates problems instead of solving them.

9. Just talk about past losses or glories that don’t help deal with the challenges of today. Getting past the past is easier than you think when you solve the problems of today and break the chain of past painful patterns. Resenting what is lacking now (fear of loss) won’t help anyone get anywhere fast today.

10. Just shout out your orders to control your emotions. Your emotions won’t kill you, will they? The solution to painful emotions is NOT to force your way and override the will of others to feel a false sense of security. NOT listening, constant interrupting, stern or moralistic lecturing, blaming and shaming, guilt bombing, threatening or intimidating others simply won’t work. Have you noticed this to be true?

You can only change yourself. Trying to “fix” a team member will “break” your spirits and, and frankly, there’ll always been something else about that person to fix. Arguing that, “You are the problem and IF you change our mutual problems will be solved!” is a can of nuts.

“YOU should change because I say so to make everyone happy!” will make a lazy team of paddlers and simply won’t work.

That’s why even old, stubborn dogs can learn more than a few new tricks when the masterful YOU is patient!

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a speaker and communications psychologist from Dayton, Ohio, and the author of TALK TO ME: Communication moves to get along with anyone and Taking the Fear out of Changing at www.drogrady.com

CommTool #2: “Is this good for me?”

If You Judge a Person By What They Do…Will You Ever Really Get to Know Them?
What you SAY to yourself is more important at times than what you DO. Good communication tools include talking sense to yourself when your head spins around about what you should/shouldn’t do or when you feel knocked senseless by stress.

What’s UP: Today’s featured communication tool is used when YOU might be your own worst enemy by making a choice now that won’t play out well in your future.

Partying Talks

Imagine you are having a talk with yourself about whether or not you should do something that will “feel good” in the short term but cause you regrets in the longer haul. This includes misusing alcohol or drugs, sex, affairs, quitting a job, ending a relationship and so on.

You are worrying but also inclined to say “what the heck…I’ll just do it!” This may be a good time for CommTool #2: “Is this good for me?”

Here we go…you hear yourself or friends saying:

It’s going to be a good time. You don’t want to miss out. We work so hard and rarely get a time to really cut loose. You deserve a break now and then. We’re just chillin’….(drinking/smoking/sexing/etc.) doing it on a casual basis. You’re just using socially–you don’t have a problem with drugs or alcohol. Everyone is doing it. You can stop using at any time. Go ahead and do it just this once! We’ll have a good time!

YOUR INNER-TALK RESPONSE: “Is this good for me?!”

When you throw caution to the wind by saying “Ah, I’ll go ahead and do it…I don’t have to think SO much about it!” try saying: “Is this good for me? I can do anything I want to BUT is this good for me??!”

Maybe something different might happen…you will stop and think and make a more thoughtful decision. After all, the goal here is to make best use of your creative talents. Disallow anyone from wearing your down with their interrogative talk techniques meant to control you and y/our response.

One last time: “Is this good for me? Is this a good source of positive energy for me? IF I can do anything I want to is this good for me?!”

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the author of TALK TO ME and New Insights Communication consulting psychologist.

Give Up A Bad Mood

GIVEUPITIS: LITTLE PERSONAL CHANGES MAKE A HUGE DIFFERENCE

Here’s how to help cure depression, or a depressive relationship, by using the healing power of positive thinking:

  1. Give up grumbling when your “opportunity clock” goes off in the morning
  2. Give up scaring yourself with “WHAT IF” obsessing that these and these and these bad things will happen to me when…”
  3. Give up focusing on what you don’t have and instead focus on what you would like to have happen TO/BY YOU for a change
  4. Give up whacking yourself 20 lashes with a wet noodle for “ALWAYS failing”
  5. Give up being so damn NICE all the time…set some limits
  6. Give up telling mean people what they want to hear…tell the truth
  7. Give up getting even, or punishing yourself, which puts you behind
  8. Give up any past programmed memory that runs your present day
  9. Give up surrounding yourself with takers and losers
  10. Give up trying to change others who WON’T (not “can’t”) change

Stop waiting for the prince or princess to arrive, the magical amulet to give you special powers, the big financial windfall, the “quick fix” easy diet, the PURRfect romantic partner who has no baggage or a life situation that won’t splinter your heart when you give to life all you’ve got.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a Dayton, Ohio, communications consulting psychologist and the author of TALK TO ME

Depression Cure: Give Up “Giving Up”

ARE YOU WAITING FOR THE MAGIC PILL, CURE OR SILVER BULLET?

Always feel in a down mood…in a slump? Is your mood like a speeding roller coaster taking you to places you’d rather NOT go? Have you “given up” trying to get to alter your mood without drugs or chemicals? Hope is here!

LIFE’S SUPREMELY FAIR?

There’s no magic pill for the cure of depression–and shouldn’t be. True, about one-third of the people I see for “talk therapy” and who suffer from the “blahs and blues” take anti-depressants to give them a helping hand, sometimes for a longer time than they care to. But pills aren’t magic, and they have real-life consequences, such as weight gain and reduced libido or sex drive.

My point is this one: WHAT IF a great deal of the blues normal people like you feel might simply be caused by your depressive attitudes?

WHY I HAVE GIVEN UP ‘GIVING UP’!

What if a negative attitude, the flu-like equivalent of GIVEUPITIS, might make or break what you DO today…not just how you FEEL or your mood?

I know, I know. If only I knew the troubles you’ve seen…I’d give up, too. Well, I have seen plenty of troubles and I do give up from time to time, and giving up doesn’t work except to make me sullen and sulky. I hate quitters…especially ME when negativity has become my middle name instead of change.

SURF THE STRESS WAVE

And no, I’m not entering the keen debate about whether there’s a growing overuse of powerful anti-depressants, anti-anxiety drugs or antipsychotics with our kids/adults as discussed today in USA TODAY. I’m just saying that an optimistic vs. pessimistic attitude is proven to have a direct impact on physical health and mental health.

Instead, up your chances to take a ride to places you want to go. You and I, people, CAN change and overcome great odds.

Say with me now: I HAVE GIVEN UP ‘GIVING UP’!

ABOUT TALK TO ME

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a professional keynote speaker from Dayton, Ohio. He is also the author of three books that deal with change management, mood management, relationship relaxation and positive and effective communication skills. Dennis is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.” As a clinical psychologist and psychotherapist, he has spent more than 30 years helping himself and others out of depression and into “being a leader of your own life.” Has someone taken a straw and sucked the life out of you? Then order a copy of “Talk to Me” from this site to experience a quick boost in your energy. If you don’t experience feeling better fast…your money will be completely refunded to you with no questions asked. In the meantime, do a few of those “little things” that you know will work to “add energy” to your life. After all, suffering isn’t your communication style at all! Also, in an accompanying article, I will tell you how your experience of depression and what does and doesn’t work for treating depressive issues significantly varies depending upon whether you are an Empathizer-type communicator or an Instigator-type communicator.