CommTool #1: “You’ve said that already!”

How To Make Your Point Without Making an Enemy
Good communication tools build back up levels of personal confidence that have been flattened by stress.

What’s UP: Today’s featured communication tool is used when a talk antagonist is trying to wear you down in order to make you agree with them. NOT fair.

Money Talks

Imagine you are having another talk with your partner who is critizing you about your fiscal irresponsibility. This is the 1,000th time you’ve heard the same refrain. This may be a good time for CommTool #1: “You’ve said that already!”

Here we go…one more time you hear your partner saying:

You’ve got to understand how I feel about your spending habits. I feel you’ve lost control and you’re going to spend us into the grave. You know money doesn’t grow on trees. You’ve GOT TO AGREE with me that you have a BIG problem with plastic. You win and get your way by busting the budget. You don’t think twice about the amount of money you’re spending!”

YOUR RESPONSE: “You’ve said that already!”

When someone tries to wear you down by making the same tired argument over and over and over again, try saying: “You’ve said that already…SO what’s your point?!”

Maybe something different might happen…maybe it won’t…but you will feel saner and stronger. Disallow anyone from wearing your down with their interrogative talk techniques meant to control you and y/our response.

Once last time: “You’ve said that already! We’ve gone over this before. SO what’s your point?”

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the author of TALK TO ME: Communication moves to get along with anyone

Marriage: ‘Til Debt Do Us Part

“Couples have tough calls to make–yet many don’t talk about finances.”

A lead article today in USA TODAY discussed how many couples don’t talk effectively about money. Seems that sex is an easier topic to talk about, although good communication seems as rare in marriage as clean air these days.

As a communications psychologist, I’ve learned that “satisfaction with communication” is directly and powerfully linked to a partner’s overall and emotional and physical health. Thus, the consequences of “I just can’t talk to my partner about….” are staggering and monumental for both Empathizer-type communicators and Instigator-type communicators alike.

  • Miscommunication or no communication dims the inner light of an E-type or Empathizer communicator who burns out emotionally when talks don’t work to change anyone
  • Missed or no communication drains the physical battery of an I-type or Instigator communicator who burns up physically when talks don’t fix problems

Control Freaks: “My money is MY money…and your money is MY money!” is a benchmark of a controlling relationship. Love doesn’t thrive where control lives.

“Why can’t we talk now?”

Why can’t we talk without shame and blame interfering causing a standoff? Why don’t we talk about money… sex… religion… politics… elders… dreams… disagreements, etc. far more easily and free of power plays that distance co-communicators? You and I don’t talk because we fear making a partner mad or hurt and turning him/her into an anger communicator.

The Blame and Shame Show

The blame and shame show assassinates healthy communciation. Being an angry communicator is a distraction…a manipulative attempt to control people and emotions that doesn’t solve problems or create needed changes.

If you can’t talk…you can’t have a constructive disagreement without casting stones of blame at the face or backside of a partner. Finding fault and finger pointing is a cycle or “bad habit” that unaware couples slip into quite fast. In short order, we sacrifice the self while blaming the other for being SO selfish…when the truth is we’re both losing out big-time.

Talk Sense To Yourself

What To do When You’re Fed Up With Being Down
It’s NOT so hard to change hardening of the attitudes.

When you’re fed up with feeling down, there are ways that you can talk to yourself that will build back up your confidence. But nothing kills progress or open communication faster than close-minded attitudes that box a person into a comfortable or so-called secure “known zone” that is both stifling and claustrophobic.

Got attitude? Here’s the reality: all of life is a series of choices regarding how you will respond to yourself and others when you’re feeling afraid due to a loss of control. The paradox: The harder you try to control people or a situation…the less effective and satisfied you will be…and the less positive feedback you will receive from your world. Hard attitudes keep you stuck in that paradox.

Why do humans excel in talking negatively to themselves?

– Practice since childhood creates the perfect “I/You’re not good enough!” environment for avoiding emotions

– Good people feel bad about feeling mad

– Feelings can rule the home or work roost

– Extreme emotions can supplant rational talks

– Fear specializes in making people feel shy and embarrassed

– Hard feelings: “Better to be safe than sorry!”

– Hard thinking: “I won’t be blind-sided by hurt if I keep my guard up!”

TAKE THE TALK TRASH TO THE CURB

BE(A)WARE: If you catch yourself blaming or badgering yourself or someone else…you CAN BOOST your attitude. Hard attitudes will run your life if you permit them to…and drive you up a wall and down again over and over and over.

Make Your “To Do” List Into A “DO(NE)” List

Manage Your Self-Esteem or Stress Events Will
Communication Rules: Waiting to rake in the big haul while you stall doing the small? Go figure: Make your “to do” list into a “DO(NE)” list.

Refuse to be beguiled or seduced by “ALL OR NONE” extremist thinking that keeps your achievable dreams grounded. Success results from small positive actions taking flight in spite of fears that seek to stall you out in mid-air.

Talk Sense to Yourself: Tease yourself: “Anything worth doing is worth doing imperfectly!” Or ease yourself: “Little changes net huge rewards.” Or spiritualize: “Life is loving to learn..and learning to love.” Pump up your attitude using any upbeat idea!

Motivational speaker Zig Ziglar at http://www.zigziglar.com/ correctly says attitude is directly related to success altitude…SO why NOT be at your top cruising speed today? Likewise, time management black belt Brian Tracy at http://www.briantracy.com/ expertly describes how you CAN get up and go in the direction that your GOALS point you in. SO why NOT do something small today to pump up your attitude in a big way?

Talk sense to yourself whenever you feel knocked senseless by a street talking fighter…namely, YOURSELF.

Be The Change You Wish To See In Others

“The only person I can change is myself!”
Are you feeding your mind enlivening inspirational sayings every day to keep you growing and changing during your challenging week? Talking about theories of change and communication are one thing–talking sense to yourself during the day is quite another.

Communication Rules: Exasperated with perfectionist procrastinators, dull drivers or people slapping you in the face with their bad mood? Oh my now, don’t you know others can’t frustrate you without your complicity BECAUSE you frustrate yourself more than anyone else ever can or will…which is as it should be? Bingo.

Talk Sense to Yourself: How to get a grip on grousing and griping about why others won’t change their habitual patterns to make your life smoother sailing? When impatient say: “The only person I can change is myself!” Or, “Here’s another golden opportunity to realize I don’t run the universe!” Or, “The more I control, the less satisfied I feel and the less effective I am in all my relationships…including with myself.”

Four minutes a day is all it takes to absorb new insights that improve your mood. You don’t have enough time? You don’t have time NOT to.

Good brain food is everywhere…and right at your finger tips. Check out books to change your life at www.impactpublishers.com or ideas to manage your relationship mood at www.rebuilding.org.