Opening up communication lines in a relationship
Talk isn’t cheap. It’s priceless! But how many truly value it for what it is?
For example, do you ever experience closed-off communication in a relationship? Who doesn’t?
When lines of communication are cut, do you shut up and shut down, as many people are prone to do? Jeepers.
The hard-hitting truth: Couples or teams who fail to communicate…fail. Similarly, coworkers who fail to communicate…fail.
By a necktie vote, the motto “Change: Give IT a Chance!” will be featured on my coffee mugs after winning a slogan contest this month.
The National Management Association (www.NMA1.org) voted during a change management workshop on their favorite motto to help keep “up” during down times. And my very own “Go The Extra (S)mile!” award goes to Mary Lykins, Betsy Combs and John Hojancki. Way to BE! Last but surely not least: The very special recipient of my “Dare to Care!” award goes to Amarshi Bhungalia. A big round of applause to all of you! What a powerful conference!
Inspirational sayings to keep you growing, changing and aware
I’m frequently asked why I write when I don’t have to. I write to make my life better, by practicing change management, anger education and communication skills that work to make my life come alive. Talk is cheap. I prefer action to sass, and I figure it never hurts to “plus up” my mood and attitude with coffee-cup quotable quotes.
No doubt there are speed bumps on the road of life. No day I know of goes by smoothly on the two-way communication highway. But worry about speed bumps, pot holes and jolts? Nah. Cars have shock absorbers and brakes for a reason: so we don’t spill the coffee, sweetie.
No sense you and I crying over spilt coffee, now is there?
A negatalker is addicted to negative chatter that zaps teamwork. Are you a legend in your own mind? Perhaps you’ve been zapped and your energy has been sapped by this zinger: “You’re not listening. Why do you always have to be SO negative?” When someone says that to you, the attempt is to make you feel bad for disagreeing with the speaker.
YOU’RE ENTITLED TO YOUR OWN OPINION
Aren’t you entitled to your own opinion, though, without being conversationally beat up? Of course you are! Your “zapper” would be more honest and direct to say, “Please don’t be honest with me, and please don’t tell me what you’re truly thinking and feeling because you’re really making me uncomfortable and anxious.”
WHY YOU CATCH MORE FLIES WITH HONEY THAN VINEGAR
Whoa! Perhaps no one ever shared with guilt trippers that they can catch more flies with honey than vinegar. I believe you get more positive by being positive, and that negative begets negative. Unproductive communicators who are afraid and unaware of their feelings, both negative and positive, talk and behave in ineffective ways that inadvertently zap teamwork at work and home. Negatalkers hammer you with, “It’s my way or the highway!” which is one-way communication of the worst kind.
THE PROPAGANDA OF PESSIMISM
Are you trying to exert control via a cynical attitude? Here are a few things to know about negative talking that blocks and closes down creativity:
(Here’s a refreshing thought: Why not talk positively for a change about/to the very people who butter your bread, valued people such as your boss, spouse, co-worker, customer, child or all of the above?)
ENERGY DRAINERS AND CHANGE ZAPPERS
Negative talking that demotes optimism and promotes pessimism via the twin villains (or sycophants) of Fear and Anger to flourish in the workplace and home occur when you and I:
(-) Put grease on the squeaky wheel BUT don’t change the oil in the car
(-) Think of yourself or others as too “chicken” to change
(-) Stay too busy to think outside the box
(-) Fix what isn’t broken…and don’t fix what is broken
(-) Keep grousing or listening to listless griping
(-) Make excuses and take excuses
(-) Only do what you’re told to do
(-) Stir the pot for some cheap entertainment
(-) Cause trouble to make you and your job seem more important
(-) Worry about what people will think or say
(-) Work hard only when others are watching
(-) Be cynical, steal credit, crucify compliments
(-) Play the blame game zealously
(-) Pat on the back popular people who are idiots
(-) Put off feeling happy until your life’s humming along perfectly
(-) Keep a death grip on the status quo
(-) Keep on wanting what you don’t have…and not wanting what you do have
(-) Run frantically on the “I don’t have the time!” treadmill
(-) Worship being smart or right instead of wise
(-) Go along with “group think” to cement your job or to get along
(-) Keep procrastinating by doing what’s important last
(-) Mindlessly salute negative belief systems that don’t work
(-) Believe “poise under pressure” is futile
(-) Fail to take healthy risks by fearing failure
(-) Keep on doing what doesn’t work
(-) Close your mind to facts while opening your mind to fear
(-) Keep key information sequestered
(-) Don’t share your true experience to make change happen
(-) Hide the truth behind a smokescreen of propaganda and rhetoric
(-) Be too bored to try something different
(-) Sound negative when positive results occur
(-) Spurn healthy disagreement
(-) Spend lots of money to feel good or powerful
(-) Go home burned up and used out…and then yell at the cat, dog, kids
(-) Don’t try anything new that will change your mind about your negative thinking
A CHAIR TO CHEER FOR CHANGE
Every boardroom and kitchen table ought to hold an empty chair designated for the respected colleague and beloved family member or partner called “positive change.” Personal success means telling the whole truth and respecting the need for growth and change-not keeping a death grip on the status quo and padding the box you keep yourself in.
DROOPING MORALE … BOOSTING YOUR MOOD
I personally need to practice mood managing because I can become impatient and surly when I’m around close minded thinkers and pessimistic speakers. For instance, I’ve never much cared for negative chat or idle water-cooler chatter that wastes my time and yours by putting down workers or customers who do good things to keep a company or family afloat. In fact, that’s why I personally use the Talk to Me system that boosts mood and drives positive and effective communication.
DO YOU LOOK A GIFT HORSE IN THE MOUTH AND THEN PULL ITS’ TEETH?
Are you a Positalker? Of course you are! You are thankful … grateful … peaceful … and you accept a gift horse without looking at its’ teeth. In contrast, Negatalkers look a gift horse in the mouth, and then pull out the horses’ teeth! Don’t let a Negatalker put preconceived notions in your mind about what will or won’t work in your life. You must judge the effectiveness of positive thinking and speaking tools. Why not instead be brave of heart and talk positively for a change of scenery?
GOOD TALK ISN’T CHEAP…IT’S PRICELESS
The best way to enjoy living in the present and controlling what you can is to worry less about what you have precious little control over — namely, naysayers and the negative beliefs they worship. Stand up to negative people and speak the positive. Stand up for good communication that drives positive change!
ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.
Dennis E. O’Grady has a B.S. degree (Bull _hit degree) from Pessimism University, also known as PU, where he received a 4.5 (out of 4) G.P.A. in his Bad Attitudes studies. Dennis went on to receive his E.S. degree (Elephant _hit degree) from PU, in the Psychology of Digging Holes So Big You Can Fly Planes Into Them. After jumping into many holes of his own digging, as well as some dug by others, Dr. O’Grady received his B.O.N.K.A (Being Optimistic Never Killed Anybody) degree from the Wright State University School of Professional Psychology. Ralph Real (also an alumnus of P.U.), in his Pessimism Street Journal review of Dr. O’Grady’s third book, Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone, gave the book a thumbs and toes down, while sticking his nose up in the air. Real went on to say: It’s a stupid book. Just another ‘fake it until you make it’ treatise on why it’s better to feel bad than good. The author seeks to line his pockets at the expense of big newspapers like this one. This is just another example of why you can’t fix stupid. So if you’re smart…you’ll think like me…Ralph Real. O’Grady had only one thing to say in rebuttal: Being Optimistic Never Killed Anybody!
You’re not being paranoid if you think somebody is trying to control your mind! Lots of people try to influence your thinking and hypnotically entice you to be a friend by acquiescing to or agreeing with their viewpoint or “opinionizing.” If you’re curious about mind control, then read on.
MIND CONTROL IS DOUBLE-SPEAK
Mind control is double-speak, or a talker inserting suggestive directives into your unguarded mind as if they are the gospel truth. Who’s minding your mind? Imagine if you will, that your mind openly lends its full attention to (and literally soaks up) the words that follow the use of the word “NOT.”
As in…”NOT that I’m saying you’re selfish!”
That statement suggests to a listener that he/she is expected to behave in selfish and self-centered ways. How’s that for some slick, tricky talking? Plus, any sentence that immediately follows the word NOT will be amplified, and thus be an action command inserted into your mind like a computer chip. Whoa, Nelly!
ANY SENTENCE, SENTIMENT OR DIRECTIVE THAT FOLLOWS THE WORD “NOT” IS AN AMPLIFIED COMMAND
Mind control is so simple and effective that it can make you queasy. But some of the sparring practices below can help you better understand this disarming technique.
Communication
Double-Speak: NOT that I’m saying you don’t ever talk to me. I’m just saying you don’t communicate enough.
Mind Control: “You don’t ever talk to me AND you don’t communicate enough!”
Relationship Directive: I don’t expect you to communicate effectively with me.Emotional Intelligence
Double-Speak: NOT that I’m saying you’re nuts. I’m just saying you don’t make any sense.
Mind Control: “You’re nuts AND you don’t make any sense!”
Relationship Directive: I don’t expect you to disagree with me or be who you are.Age
Double-Speak: NOT that I’m saying you’re too old. I’m just saying you can’t teach old dogs new tricks.
Mind Control: “You’re too old AND you can’t teach old dogs new tricks!”
Relationship Directive: I don’t expect you to change and grow.Worry
Double-Speak: NOT that I’m saying you’re a worry wart. I’m just saying there’s nothing you can do about it.
Mind Control: “You’re a worry wart AND there’s nothing you can do about it!”
Relationship Directive: I don’t expect you to feel relaxed or to calm yourself down.Stress
Double-Speak: NOT that I’m saying you don’t have a right to be upset. I’m just saying you’re dwelling on it too much.
Mind Control: “You don’t have a right to be upset AND you’re dwelling on it too much!”
Relationship Directive: I don’t expect you to deal with or discuss your emotions constructively.Anger
Double-Speak: NOT that I’m saying you shouldn’t be mad. I’m just saying you act like a hothead when you’re ticked off.
Mind Control: “You shouldn’t be mad AND you act like a hothead when you’re ticked off!”
Relationship Directive: I don’t expect you to use anger assertively.Time
Double-Speak: NOT that I’m saying you’re lazy. I’m just saying you waste time.
Mind Control: “You’re lazy AND you waste time!”
Relationship Directive: I don’t expect you to make enough time to get anything important done.Money
Double-Speak: NOT that I’m saying you are a spendthrift. I’m just saying you think money grows on trees.
Mind Control: “You are a spendthrift AND you think money grows on trees!”
Relationship Directive: I don’t expect you to use money in responsible ways.Happiness
Double-Speak: NOT that I’m saying you can’t be happy. I’m just saying you don’t appreciate what you’ve got.
Mind Control: “You can’t be happy AND you don’t appreciate what you’ve got!”
Relationship Directive: I don’t expect you to feel satisfied and contented here and now.Complaining
Double-Speak: NOT that I’m saying you’re a big, whiny baby. I’m just saying you’re too negative for your own good.
Mind Control: “You’re a big, whiny baby AND you’re too negative for your own good!”
Relationship Directive: I don’t expect you to lead your life or change without pressure.Unfair Fights
Double-Speak: NOT that I’m saying you’re wrong. I’m just saying you take things too personally.
Mind Control: “You’re wrong AND you take things too personally!”
Relationship Directive: I don’t expect you to be trustworthy before you speak.Conflict
Double-Speak: NOT that I’m saying you shouldn’t speak up. I’m just saying you’re pushing too hard for control.
Mind Control: “You shouldn’t speak up AND you’re pushing too hard for control!”
Relationship Command: I don’t expect to resolve dissatisfactions in this relationship.Men/Women
Double-Speak: NOT that I’m saying men are better than women. I’m just saying men are naturally better at many things.
Mind Control: “Men are better than women AND men are naturally better at many things!”
Relationship Directive: I don’t expect to get along with the opposite sex.Selfishness
Double-Speak: NOT that I’m saying you’re selfish. I’m just saying it’s always about you.
Mind Control: “You’re selfish AND it’s always about you!”
Relationship Directive: I don’t expect give-and-take in our relationship.Civility
Double-Speak: NOT that I’m saying you’re rude. I’m just saying if you don’t have anything nice to say then don’t say anything at all.
Mind Control: “You’re rude AND if you don’t have anything nice to say then don’t say anything at all!”
Relationship Directive: I don’t expect you to be honest, open and ethical when it might hurt me.Stupidity
Double-Speak: NOT that I’m saying you’re stupid. I’m just saying that what you did wasn’t too smart.
Mind Control: “You’re stupid AND what you did wasn’t too smart!”
Relationship Directive: I don’t expect you to think before you speak.Givers/Takers
Double-Speak: NOT that I’m saying you aren’t trying. I’m just saying you take more than you give.
Mind Control: “You aren’t trying AND you take more than you give!”
Relationship Directive: I don’t expect equal effort in a relationship.Prosperity
Double-Speak: NOT that saying that money brings happiness. I’m just saying money makes feeling miserable a whole lot more tolerable.
Mind Control: “Money brings happiness AND money makes feeling miserable a whole lot more tolerable!”
Relationship Directive: I don’t expect love to rule in a relationship.
NOT THAT I’M SAYING YOU’RE A GREAT COMMUNICATOR WHO USES THE PSYCHOLOGY OF LEADERSHIP TALK TOOLS TO BE MORE EFFECTIVE
“Mean what you say, and say what you mean,” I say. Don’t give others a sideways insult. And don’t tell me what you aren’t saying. Instead, simply tell me what you are saying.
NOT that I’m saying someone can take your mind off guard with a simple, single word. NOT me!
