Communication requires concentration. There is no greater compliment than turning over your entire attention to another human being. Tuning in means your mindset is going to be challenged – maybe even changed by the speaker. By listening before speaking, you are able to absorb how your co-communicator is feeling and reasoning. Overall, positive communication encourages you to overcome negative emotions and ideas that keep you grounded on the runway of productive, meaningful talking.
ALL TIED UP IN EMOTIONAL KNOTS?
You can’t be tied up in emotional knots and listen carefully at the same time. Here are seven sure ways to have your opinion digested, not debated, especially during important business negotiations:
1. Back up when you’ve been interrupted.
Don’t take on others’ frustrations by allowing loads of interruptions. Why? By the time you’ve been interrupted or over-talked, your previous three sentences have fallen on deaf ears. The message has been lost in all the roar and noise! What to do after you take a few deep breaths and wait patiently until the interrupter is finished? Repeat your points again before addressing their viewpoints. Some people interrupt frequently to dodge issues they won’t address or to avoid the heart of the matter.
2. Repeat your basic mission over and over (and over) again.
Make sure that everyone knows why you are doing what you are doing and why what you are doing is of benefit to the people involved in the talks. Your responsibility is to speak in a clear and orderly fashion, highlighting what is important to remember and what isn’t. What should you do when “team talking” still doesn’t take hold? Stick to your agenda without getting all tangled up in annoyances or others who want to steal your energy.
3. Tell a fun story to garner new insights.
Suppose nothing’s working and you’re not getting your message across. Suppose tensions keep mounting instead of dissipating. Then what? Telling a funny story or a pithy metaphor can help break through the stalemate or ease the tension. Take the risk of disclosing something that pokes fun at yourself, especially if it’s relevant to the topic at hand. Sometimes, I’ll pour water into a glass nearby and use that as an example to explain how some people see the glass as half full while others see it as half empty – even though both are true because the amount of water is the same. This kind of intervention nips the infernal debate that there is only one right way to view difficult situations. Stories appeal to the intuitive side of the brain that has creative solutions to concrete problems.
4. Verify that your real message has been received.
Be a generator of questions as much as you are a provider of information. Ask point-blank: “What unforeseen problems do you expect from this plan?” “In your experience, what is being overlooked that could undermine our positive goals?” “In your opinion, tell me what roadblocks will prevent this plan from succeeding?” “What are we overlooking or leaving out that will be sure to cause unexpected future problems?” Feel free to tap the wisdom of your team by looking equally and starkly at the negative as you do the positive.
5. Don’t be afraid–calm yourself down when tensions mount.
Stress makes co-communicators stop listening to what you are saying and go inside themselves for an inner chat. Try to empathetically spot signs of growing frustration. Averted glances, clenched jaws, sighs, fidgeting, shyness, placating behaviors, staring off into space or being grouchy are all symptoms of a growing resistance to change. Great communicators get great results and compromises from using unspoken tension and conflict constructively. Take a five-minute break. Ask everyone to stand up and stretch or take a few deep breaths. Sometimes, simple things can make a huge difference.
6. Respond assertively to dodges such as “Yes, but…” or other inventive distractions.
Welcome nay-sayers to sit at your communicator table. Contrarians often speak of issues that others are thinking about but are ducking because they’re too timid or afraid to confront what’s really important. It’s pretty easy to tell when your best-laid plans are being rejected. Just listen for these defensive comebacks: “Yes, it’s a good idea BUT…” “You probably don’t want to hear this BUT…” “I can tell you’ve thought this through pretty carefully BUT…” “Your enthusiasm is contagious BUT…” When your best advice has been BUTTED, give the speaker the benefit of hearing your input one more time, but deliver it back to them in their own voice. Confidently ask, “What did you hear me say we could best do to handle this situation?”
7. Think happy thoughts.
Life stinks. You can control only what input you give to the problem-solving process. You don’t want co-communicators to agree with you publicly but disagree with you privately. Thus, be the best listener in town in order to travel new avenues of change. Be happy whether you get your way or not. Frustration is the natural result of blocked communication and missed opportunities. Find ways to get around, under or over roadblocks to productive talking. When talk fizzles, choose to be content and happy, no matter what.
COMMUNICATE POSITIVELY AND EFFECTIVELY TODAY–BE THE LEADER OF YOUR OWN LIFE
Great communicators are lifelong students of positive communication tools. Effective communication takes you all the way to the finish line, whether you amble along like the proverbial Tortoise or hop along like the agile Hare. Become a positive communicator today. Our world needs you now more than ever.
Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a communications psychologist from Dayton, Ohio, and the author of TALK TO ME: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.
