Instigator Attitudes

Instigator communicators polish up a positive attitude on their burnt orange communicator cars, especially when emotional thunderstorms clap loudly overhead. Instigators (I-types) realize that exuding a confident attitude calms anxieties and allows more opportunities to take shape. It’s the old positive life outlook of “Y’all follow me because I know where we all need to go.” Empathizers (E-types) secretly admire the confidence of their Instigator pals.

POSITIVE LIFE OUTLOOK = POSITIVE ATTITUDE + AMPLIFIED MOTIVATION +BETTER RESULTS + PROVEN PROFITABILITY

In fact, attitude equals plentitude in the mind of the progress-centric Instigator communicator who won’t rest easy until their “to do” list is done. If you’re an Empathizer male or female, can you walk in the moccasins of an I-type talker for a mile or more, wearing their attitudes? Instigator-type ATTITUDES ON a variety of subjects…

► CONTROL

I’m criticized for being a control freak. If you don’t take control of your life, somebody else sure will. I don’t try to control other people. I try to control situations. For example, the grass isn’t always greenest on the other side of the fence. I believe the grass is greenest on the side of the fence that it is taken care of, watered, and fertilized.

► WEAKNESSES

I know what my faults are. I recognize them. I don’t think you have to change everything that’s wrong with you. You’re never going to get yourself straight anyway. You have to learn to tolerate. Once you’re comfortable with yourself, what others say about you doesn’t matter, because everyone is imperfect.

► HAVING EXPECTATIONS

When you have wishes, wants and desires, you set yourself up for frustration and disappointment. I enjoy the ride. Sometimes the road is bumpy. I don’t allow my expectations to cause me frustration. When things aren’t going my way, I try to understand, make a correction in direction, and not get frustrated.

► POSITIVE ATTITUDE

I don’t have patience for whiny, complainer types. I’ll come back with a challenge: “You forgot one thing. You can’t do anything to change the weather. You woke up this morning. You think about this. Would you rather wake up to rain or not wake up at all? Everyone was complaining about the miseries of the rain, and I was happy.

► MOOD

The life I lead makes it hard on the Empathizer people around me whose moods are up and down. Live your life to achieve goals instead of riding the mood roller coaster. My mood is pretty even although I can lose my temper and spout off. When I feel down, I act even more upbeat to lift my spirits. Don’t spend the time of your life worrying about those things you can’t change.

► RELATIONSHIPS

My marriage is important, but it’s not the central thing. When you have a career calling, the family can suffer. “You do for other people and make time for them but you don’t do for me!” is something I often hear from my wife. But my success is what creates the lifestyle we both love. You can’t have it both ways.

► LOGIC

My Empathizer co-workers think I’m controlling, but they don’t have good logic. Logic is horrible when mood and emotions try to rule. I won’t waste my breath if you generally reject what I’m telling you. E-types don’t try to influence or control the situations they’re in. If your logic is horrible, you won’t think through anything before you do it.

► LISTENING

It’s scary how Empathizers hear things and then act like what they heard is the gospel truth. Empathizers can’t see things as they just are. E-types put a twist on things. They’re feelings get hurt too easily. How can you get anything done if you’re constantly handholding?

► MENTAL POWER

What makes you think this life was supposed to be perfect or perfectly comfortable? Why don’t you enjoy whatever life brings and work with that? If you’re bucking up against a situation that won’t change, why not accept it and take the power away from it. I don’t want situations to control me and become the dominant point of my life. Everything is mental. I’m amazed at what you can do mentally to allow or block out something that could easily control you, if you let it. It’s amazing the mental power we don’t use. We let things control us. We shouldn’t let them control us. That’s how I deal with stuff. It makes things less difficult.

► EMOTIONS

You’re your own biggest enemy – your emotions – your mental state – letting your feelings get the best of you. Your emotions should have nothing to do with handling this issue. If anything, emotions make the problem worse. That’s what you’ve got to get rid of…how you feel. That doesn’t make you an insensitive sociopath. It’s simply a complete acceptance of reality.


LAUGHING AT YOUR WEAKNESSES

Instigators will laugh off their weaknesses, while E-types take their weaknesses too seriously. I-types view authority as a pecking order totem pole, with those people having the most power at the top. Empathizers view authority as a sparkling spider web, with everyone sharing power to affect the vibrations of the web. I-types are progress-driven while E-types are relationship-driven. Once you know the key differences between the two, you will stop blaming the other person for the disaster you’re part of and start laying claims to the strengths of your impressive character.

DEVELOPER OF TALK2ME POSITIVE AND EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION SYSTEM

Dennis O’Grady, PsyD, is a clinical psychologist specializing in communication. He has worked for more than 30 years with top executives and their teams to overcome barriers to ongoing success in their companies or organizations. He is the founder of New Insights Communication, a management consulting firm dedicated to the advancement of organizational development, and professional and personal growth. He was 2008 president of the Dayton Area Psychological Association. Dr. O’Grady may be contacted at 7501 Paragon Road, Suite 200, Dayton, OH 45459. Office Phone: 937-428-0724. E-mail: dennis@drogrady.com

A Good Outlook On Life

I agreed to speak with a business economics class at Centerville High School. (My oldest daughter twisted my arm.) How would you answer this focus question? Dr. O’Grady, as a psychologist who has 30-plus years of experience, what single factor would you say is the common sense path that leads to economic and personal success and happiness? Answer: A positive outlook on life. An imperfect person who daily works in and works on a positive attitude, will find that contentment is not difficult to achieve.

A BAD OUTLOOK IS BAD FOR YOU

A bad outlook on life is bad for you…
A good outlook on life is good for you.

A bad attitude creates a bad mood…
A good attitude creates a good mood.

A bad mood dooms motivation…
A good mood zooms motivation.

Without motivation, change doesn’t happen…
With motivation, anybody can change.

Mind your mind…
By mining the power of your mind!

I WONDER IF YOU CAN GET INTO A HABIT OF DEPRESSION?

I’ve found that skills can be learned and practiced in a new job but you can’t hire a positive attitude. In my experience, employers will always choose the person with a positive attitude and effective communication skills, even when the skill set is less impressive.

Let’s hear now from Frank, a client who changed his negative attitude into a positive one…

Feeling depressed and sorry for myself is just not good. You’ve got to get over the little things and quit dwelling on bad things or bad thoughts or bad memories. I wonder if I just got into a habit of having a bad outlook. That’s what it is. That’s what I used to have. A bad outlook on life. It made me confused and lazy, thinking that the world sucks.

A bad attitude is bringing you and others down with dreary, negative chatter that the sky is falling, so why bother taking an unforgettable and adventurous trip on the two-way communicator highway?

A GOOD ATTITUDE CREATES A GOOD MOOD

A good attitude creates a good mood. A good mood zooms motivation. Simple, but not necessarily easy! Frank continued…

I think I just created a bad outlook for myself. There’s a lot going on out there, and there’s a lot to enjoy. There are a lot of good people, not everyone, though. I used to hang out only with friends who had a bad outlook on life, too. There’s lots of positive and enjoyable things to do – you just have to go out and find them. It’s hard to stay in a good mood. But it’s worth it to stay in a good mood. A negative outlook creates a negative mood and laziness about change….

Don’t get mixed up with the wrong crowd of negative thinkers…talkers…doers. And that means you, too! You don’t have to believe the monkey chatter of fear-driven thinking. And I’ve got the talk tools to help you get ‘er done!

LOOK WHO’S TALKING: IT ALL BEGINS AND ENDS WITH GOOD COMMUNICATION

It’s an energy thing: Your life battery is replenished or drained by how you think and talk to yourself and others. Beware of tunnel vision, where everything is awful instead of awe-filled.

1. Positive communicators are optimistic drivers on a two-way communication highway – their way is only one way among many by which to travel.

2. A positive communicator chooses to deal with negative life events in positive ways that accentuate the positive and diminish the negative.

3. By knowing how Empathizer and Instigator communicators tick, you are going from the horse and buggy era to riding a rocket ship.

Want proof? Read all about it in Chapter 3, “Look Who’s Talking,” in my 2005 textbook, Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone. In addition, you can complete a short questionnaire to find out your talk type through a free report at http://www.drogrady.com/type.php.

ABOUT THE TALK2ME© SYSTEM

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the founder of New Insights Communication, a coaching and relationship counseling practice located in Dayton, Ohio. Dr. O’Grady is the developer of the innovative communication program TALK2ME, based on his  Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone textbook. His executive coaching and relationship communication tools are  targeted at the areas of positive communication, leadership development, and change management. You can reach Dr. Dennis O’Grady at 937-428-0724.

Profitable Communication

Are you profiting from positive communication? Principle: Better communication; better profits. What Million Dollar Talk Tools are you using today?

I’VE GOT TO TELL YOU I’M GRATEFUL FOR YOUR SYSTEM

I’ve got to tell you, Dr. O’Grady, I’m grateful for your TALK2ME system. All the same, I don’t like referring to it like computer stuff – systems! Maybe it could be a program or something….I was almost amazed at how effective it was, once I used the talk tools at work. I expected it to work, but I had never imagined that there would be exponential results. I really did not anticipate that ripple affect to the team. I was worried about being tweaked or changed as a person, instead of improved as a communicator. I was scared if I talked to you and you changed me too much, I would lose the edge that I want to keep as part of me. Now I know that I had nothing to worry about….

The thing that most surprised me, even though everything you told me made sense, was that it was the first-in-a-lifetime experience. I was out of my element. But it really did lead to astonishing results.  C.

DISCOVER YOUR INNER STRENGTHS USING THE TALK2ME COMMUNICATION ROADMAP

What one strength will you purposefully use to create profitable communication moves that benefit us all?  These are the top picks TALK2ME Class 14 told me were bold ways to set yourself up for success…

Take 10 seconds to listen, even when you think there is no time.

Be more sincere.

Be a little more patient. Listen more than 30 seconds to the situation.

Be more understanding how other people feel, and respect their thoughts.

Give tons of “attaboys” and “attagirls.”

I think I’ll just take more time to communicate more. I’ll get back to good communication to recharge my batteries.

I will refuse to let any situation escalate into a yelling match.

More bold. Be straight to the point. Don’t beat around the bush.

Be more patient and not blow up so much.

Don’t always be so polite.

Be more positive.

Be willing to change. Take 10 seconds to listen even when I think I don’t have time.

Remember, when you learn you earn! When you learn to communicate better you grow and change which leads to profits of all kinds!

ABOUT THE TALK2ME© SYSTEM

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the founder of New Insights Communication, a coaching and relationship counseling practice located in Dayton, Ohio. Dr. O’Grady is the developer of the innovative communication program TALK2ME, based on his  Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone textbook. His executive coaching and relationship communication tools are  targeted at the areas of positive communication, leadership development, and change management. You can reach Dr. Dennis O’Grady at 937-428-0724.

Ducks Galore

BAD MOODS DON’T HAVE TO SPELL DOOM FOR YOUR LIFE…

We had it all. It was a winter that just wouldn’t quit. Snow drifts and slick ice. Dark nights and darker days. And I couldn’t find within that kindly fire of Spirit to lift me up and warm my hands.  Midwest Winter Blues? Feeling thrown out like an empty grocery bag, all alone and worthless, drifting along the highway of life while everyone speeds by. That was about it, for my communication trip. Zero. Mood not good.

Then came the ducks. Oh, those ducks that I so love. Mom, it was almost two years ago that together we filed your forwarding address to God. I didn’t want to, but I respected your wishes to go on and live again. And the Angels came.

Today I drove over to Jamestown, out into the country – God’s country. Blue skies streaked with white clouds painted by the great artist Himself….I felt at ease. Finally. Finally, I felt at ease. Finally, instead of waking up early in a cold sweat. Instead of feeling ill at ease and quivering inside my own skin, smiling while waiting for approval. Finally, hearing the sounds of silence as I thought of my college roommate, who had recently died. Finally understanding that I produce my own anxieties much of the time. Finally – I’ve stared the enemy down…and the enemy is ME.

I remember that night of your passing over, Mom. Never will I forget it. Strong, blustery winds. Kind people who wheeled you out of your earthly room on a steel cart. My taking time with you. Telling myself not to feel guilty for taking time with your earthly body that no longer held life of any kind. I stayed right there beside you. I worried that I stayed too long…but I stayed just long enough with you to love you just a little bit longer. God approved of us, we two.

Time went by. I cried my tears and let my heart flood. Then I called my brother to tell him that our time together was finally up. Al’s voice was so soothing to me. I knew he stood strong beside me. You always wanted us both to stay close, Mom, and so we shall. Al’s attitude, too, was to celebrate you. Dad was waiting for you, there in Heaven. Without him, none of this would have been possible. Dad and I sat like stones on ice-logged lakes, catching fish that you would cook up with pepper, and then you added French fries to make the family dinner taste so-o good.

My life has been a bit of a stress mess lately…THANKS to me. (I won’t pack my guilt bags, quite yet.) Heeding your coaching on your life-bed, I have chosen to take the road less traveled; a road that will bring healing, adventure, wealth, and health to anyone who ventures to go there. Today, too, was the first day of spring, 2009. I’m a little older now, a little more settled in my own skin, not needing the love and approval of others to make me strong.

Mom, sometimes I am brokenhearted and fractured into a million separate pieces. I was just ready to give up and stop daring to care, when you sent the duck brigade. You told me that fowl, such as ducks, just let the bad moods roll off their backs like damp and dreary, foul weather. You are a DECENT soul, Mom, who condemned no one, especially nice guys like me (good people) who sometimes feel bad, blue, burdened, beaten, or bewildered.

And so today, as a reminder, you sent me the duck brigade. Not just one pair of ducks, but two pair of – no, three – no, wait – four sets of ducks….All told, with all their quacking, 13 pair of ducks to let me know what I was to do. What a lucky number. Thirteen.

Wish I could be with you there right now, Mom. Who knows – just suppose I am on a long-distance phone call with you? I love you, Mom. Give my love to Dad, who protected us all with his life, all his life long…just like the lighthouses during stormy times, blazing their bright lights, guiding us all home.

Right now, I am hearing the calls of all those ducks, seeking to settle into the safe night. The killdeer, too, are talking to me about you and higher powers.

Ducks galore. Don’t worry! Blessings abound!

I will continue to Dare To Care. When life throws you hurts, continue to swerve, on the two-way communication highway.

ABOUT THE TALK2ME© SYSTEM

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the founder of New Insights Communication, a coaching and relationship counseling practice located in Dayton, Ohio. Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the author of three works, the most recent being Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone, which is a communication training book. Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a corporate trainer, keynote speaker and motivational speaker. His executive coaching and business consulting programs are targeted at the areas of leadership development, communication, change management and conflict resolution.

I Hate My Job

I work with educators to improve classroom management and produce a positive climate for learning. Teaching is the toughest job on the planet. Have you ever tried to engage 30 youth of varying ages and ability levels to teach them the same content or skills at the same time? Following close behind teaching is coaching. Coaches must teach athletes to perform key skills smoothly under pressure. There are Empathizer (E-type) coaches and Instigator (I-type) teachers, and E-type teachers and I-type coaches, who use the different styles elaborated upon in the TALK2ME© positive and effective communication system to engage their students and get their content across…and they experience great success!

I WANT TO HAVE FUN DOING WHAT I DO

Teachers’ moods can plummet when district or building leadership is uncaring, bossy, or two-faced. This is particularly true of those tuned-in-to-sensitivity E-type teachers. Here’s an example from a 30-something professional educator who was feeling burned out in a negative climate….

I hate my job. Why did I even bother to get a Master’s degree? The kids are disrespectful. The administration doesn’t care about the teachers. Then they have the audacity to make this long list of huge expectations. Moreover, it’s not fun and I hate it. It’s not fun working for a supervisor who doesn’t appreciate you and who always takes the other side. My job used to be fun. I believe that’s why I’m so depressed and why I am so frustrated all the time.

I don’t feel that anyone cares about me. This is what I feel, and this is what I’ve inferred. The criticisms flow freely, but the caring is all blocked-up. I just want to do my job. I try not to take things personally, but I can pretty much see that you don’t care about me, or my peers. When you don’t care about your staff and teachers, the sick-call rate is high. Why would leaders do that? I just feel so uncared about. The same old bull crap keeps happening.

What if you had sure-fire methods to make sure your sensitive teachers stayed pumped up instead of pooped out, merely by keeping the lines of communication open….

DARING TO CARE

Empathizer-type educators from all walks of life function at their peak when they feel sincerely cared for. Conversely, E-type educators’ (males or females) gas tanks are siphoned by this supervisory attitude: “Look, getting the job done is more important than the person doing it….” Noteworthy differences….

•    E-types feel cared about when you take a couple of minutes to understand them.

•    E-types’ production increases by 40% when they feel cared about.

•    Likewise, E-types’ productivity goes down 40% when faced with an intellectually intimidating or adversarial boss.

•    E-types are more prone to feeling dispirited and depressed, while I-types are more prone to feeling impatient and frustrated.

•    When I-types take a few minutes of one-on-one time to listen and hear a few personal stories, the E-types’ mood brightens up…and they’re good to go.

•    When they feel uncared for, E-types experience low self-esteem and will clam up, holding on to their bright ideas.

•    E-types beat themselves up so much that a little criticism goes far.

•    Instigator-type communicators are hard drivers who don’t expect kudos, relying instead on encouraging self-talk.

•    I-type supervisors who expect E-type teachers to be like them – independent and gung-ho – are going to run into communication roadblocks.

•    I-types hate to beat around the bush, so they get right down to brass tacks and say whatever comes to mind…which can come across as uncaring to the E-type.

•    I-types don’t worry about hurting feelings to correct a situation. “If that’s what it takes to get the job done, then lesson learned.” However, that lesson may just cost the relationship.

•    I-types don’t take time to shoot the breeze, considering non-purposeful socializing to be a waste of time.

•    Depressed E-types feel numb about their work, which depresses them even more.

•    E-types need to work from a place of enjoying what they’re doing and feeling that their contributions matter.

•    When E-types aren’t having fun doing what they’re doing, they will feel that their communicator car wheels are spinning, stuck in a rut…then they will shy away and pull back from speaking out, taking healthy risks, going the extra mile and smiling, and feeling that they’re a worthy contributor to the team.

(N)ICENESS: YOU CATCH MORE EMPATHIZERS WITH HONEY

You catch more Empathizers with honey than vinegar. And just a little honey helps the E-type fly. Being civil and nice is a core life value of Empathizers. Being gruff, rough, and tough talking is a real turn off to the sensitive E-type.

In all fairness, Instigator leaders know they need to work on their communication skills. “I get frustrated and it comes out of my mouth frustrated. I could use a little bit more diplomacy…put a little bit more sugar on it…present ideas in a way that smoothes the way for their acceptance. I can be pretty gruff. I need to put a little sugar on it…put a little honey on it.”

PUT A LITTLE SUGAR ON IT…PUT A LITTLE HONEY ON IT

Discord is stressful for E-types. Empathizers particularly feel the effects of a brash personality who uses a loud or adversarial tone. When peace-loving E-types feel that progress-driven I-types have poked holes in their bucket of fresh energy, we all lose…especially our students.

Would you like to build up teacher confidence, and thus teacher performance? Then you need to know what makes Empathizer teachers tick…and ticked off. Know, also, that E-types don’t work for the money or glory. They enjoy the work of making a positive difference in people’s lives.

When you don’t play to Empathizer strengths, you will unintentionally activate their weaknesses, and this is what you’ll get: “I need to feel confident to pass the muster. When I feel confident, my performance improves. It’s a struggle to get to work when I feel depressed and frustrated. I feel like I’m constantly pushing myself or slogging through concrete. I keep throwing punches but not landing any. It’s not fun working here anymore, and I hate my job.”

ABOUT THE TALK2ME© SYSTEM

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the founder of New Insights Communication, a coaching and relationship counseling practice located in Dayton, Ohio. Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the author of three works, the most recent being Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone, which is a communication training book. Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a corporate trainer, keynote speaker and motivational speaker. His executive coaching and business consulting programs are targeted at the areas of leadership development, communication, change management and conflict resolution.