State Your Communication Intentions?

Why state your communication intentions to your beloved life partner of many decades? While life is difficult, love is amazing. Even with boatloads of trouble or other serious issues or walls built, still-in-love couples can tear down the walls and build something anew. But how to accomplish this communication feat? And what shall we co-create that is positive? You can get out of communication ruts with a little help from the Talk2Me© positive and effective communication system, which works like a lucky charm, whether you want it to or not.

STONEWALLING

When trust is broken, everything falls apart, and things don’t go well. Arguing between two loving partners is a red flag that there is too much loneliness, and a stone wall (ergo, stonewalling) with only one small plexiglass window has been erected. One loving husband who was married 46 years, but in love 49 years, said it well.

Instigator Talk: He described how the couple had fallen on tough times, and their love tested by fire….

We’ve been in love since we were young kids. I shut her out of my life, and she, in turn, locked the door to hers. The hurt has to be dealt with, and then eventually the why must be addressed. I spend hours at work, and she spends hours on the computer. We isolate ourselves on an island, going hard daylight to dark. Our kids are grown, and now it’s our turn…but we don’t know how to turn to one another and just to talk.

The couple goals were: To love…To talk…To be close…To get back together…To enjoy one another.

WRITE A DISSERTATION OF LOVE

If you don’t experience your love, does your love still exist? Yes, but you’re going have trouble believing in it. So that’s why you focus on your intentions to co-create…

  • Peace
  • Enjoyment of life
  • Healed hurts
  • Surplus respect
  • Joy
  • Emotional closeness
  • Good communication
  • Actions to remove resentments
  • Strategies to remove wedges that push us apart
  • Ways to mourn our losses together
  • Approaches to change what we can
  • Acceptance of what we can’t change
  • A blueprint to be best friends to one another
  • Deep trust
  • A happy partner

Nobody holds a candle next to the two of you!

FAMILY CLIMATE CONTROL

What emotional climate would you like to create in your marriage, family, or home? Find out by answering these queries:

1. What do you intend to create in your relationship?

2. Do you drive while under the influence of intoxicating negative emotions? (How do you allow your emotional chain to be pulled?)

3. Why do you rise to the bait of an unproductive argument with a child or teen?

4. Why do you push the buttons of your partner by complaining and sounding glum? (Who feels lonely for you and is waiting for things to improve?)

5. How do you break the chain reaction of behaving like the very people who have hurt you?

6. What does “Complaining is only human, but coming up with a solution is divine!” mean to you?

7. Why can’t you teach old dogs new tricks? (Is your plan for change in writing?)

So, count the ways you can make yourself and your partner happy. Unleash your love! By using the Talk2Me© system to focus on solving communication problems instead of repeating them, we can truly value the no nonsense way we can all talk productively around the Communicator Table.

ABOUT “TALK DOC” DENNIS O’GRADY, PSY.D.Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a clinical psychologist, a communication and relationship expert, and a corporate consultant in areas such as leadership development. Dr. O’Grady is the developer of the Talk2Me communication system, which is central to business innovation through using positive and effective communication tools.

Dayton Miami Valley Safety Council–Road Rage

I had the honor and pleasure of speaking to 250 members of the Dayton Miami Valley Safety Council on the topic of Road Rage. An outline of the training content…

THE PSYCHOLOGY OF ROAD RAGE
Dennis E. O’Grady, PsyD, Clinical Psychologist

1. HEALTHY VS. UNHEALTHY ANGER

Is anger an emotion or behavior, or both?

2. THE ANGER SPECTRUM

Irritation…aggravation…frustration…ANGER…rage.

3. HOW DO YOU DEFINE RAGE?
rage n

1.  sudden and extreme anger, or an outburst of strong anger
2.  something that is the object of a short-lived fascination
3.  extreme or unrelenting intensity
4.  a strong and sometimes overpowering desire or enthusiasm
5.  to speak or do something with sudden, extreme anger, or feel such strong anger
2.  to occur, continue, move, or spread with great force and violence
Encarta® World English Dictionary © 1999

4. PSYCHOLOGY OF CHANGE DEFINITION—REACTING IN A KNEE-JERK FASHION WITHOUT EMPATHY

“Road rage” is a slick and tricky mental magic act and a racy misnomer. It’s more accurate to call it “human rage,” since it’s unhealthy anger directed at human beings, not roads made of concrete or asphalt.

Anger management coaching typically produces positive changes within 2-3 sessions.

5. WHAT IS THE PSYCHOLOGICAL PROFILE OF THE AGGRESSIVE DRIVER WHO IS DRIVEN TO GET AHEAD AT ANY COST?

•    Massive personal insecurity…winning is everything
•    Feeling like a failure…can’t tolerate getting behind in the race of life
•    Prideful ego: “Are you going to let them get away with that?”
•    Self-defeating belief that venting anger is always good
•    Difficulty relaxing
•    Doesn’t enjoy the ride enough…focuses on final outcome/destination
•    Fear of emotions: Prefers putting mind over emotional matters
•    Fault-shifting: Plays the “It’s not my fault!” blame and shame show
•    Drags along old suitcases filled with rusty resentments
•    “Reactive anger” is triggered by sad feelings, disappointment, and loss
•    Prone to fear disapproval: “You’re not good enough unless you’re accomplishing the perfect!”
•    When hot under the collar, thinks the golden rule is for chumps
•    Fails to remember: “Trying too hard to get even will distract you and quickly put you behind!”

6. WHO’S IN THE DRIVER’S SEAT OF YOUR LIFE?

Your communicator type of Empathizer or Instigator communicator often predicts how well you will drive in the TALK2ME© positive and effective communication system. To find out your type and receive a free report, check out… http://www.drogrady.com/type.php

7. WHAT CAN YOU DO?

•    Manage your mood
•    Be in the driver’s seat of your life
•    Learn how Empathizer drivers drive differently from Instigator drivers
•    Use positive self-talk to keep you “on purpose”
•    Imagine a loved one in the seat of the other metal can
•    Distract yourself with comedy stations or a self-growth CD
•    Patience is a virtue, while impatience is a vulture
•    Remember: anger is simply an emotion, NOT a stupid knee-jerk reaction

TALK TIPS TO USE FOR COMMUNICATING SAFETY…

1.

2.

3.

For a good overview of Road Rage go to this Wikipedia link.

About the Speaker

Dennis O’Grady delivers TALK2ME© effective communication workshops that provide a Communication Toolbox full of positive communication tools, to executive, managerial, and supervisory groups, to set people up for success. He also uses the TALK2ME system with his private, relationship communications-training clients. Dr. O’Grady is known as the “Talk Doc” since the advent of his positive and effective communication system, TALK2ME. He is past president of the Dayton Psychological Association, founder of New Insights Communication, and is a clinical professor at the Wright State University School of Professional Psychology. His talk textbook, TALK TO ME: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone, received the 2008 Axiom Business Book Award Silver Medal. Please feel free to contact New Insights Communication at 937.428-0724 to set up a time to speak with Dr. O’Grady. Your questions and inquiries are welcomed.

Empathizer Leaders

In the TALK2ME© system, Instigator leaders are hard-driving and focused on achieving target goals rapidly. Empathizer leaders, on the other hand, are focused but take more time to develop goal strategies. Empathizer leaders look before they leap, while Instigator leaders will first leap and then try to fix their mistakes. Both leaders are equally talented, just in different ways.

WHAT ARE KEY TRAITS OF EMPATHIZER (E-TYPE) LEADERS?

In order to be considered an Empathizer-type communicator:

1. You absolutely have to be a good listener.

2. You have to understand what the problem is by working collaboratively with the individual person who has the problem.

3. Your leadership style mandates that there has to be a buy-in from all team members to arrive at the best solution – no dictating of how to solve the problem or nixing the solution that is chosen.

4. You believe that communication is a shared responsibility. It has to be a two-way street – no monopolizing the Communicator Table. Open discussion of the presenting concern is mandatory.

5. You need regular affirmation of your achievements through commendations, acknowledgements, and positive feedback.

6. You relate to the world through your feelings. Your emotions run deep as the ocean.

7. Your leadership style involves researching the problem at hand to find as many possible solutions as possible, then you debate those options around the Communicator Table to select the one which will reach the goal that’s been set.

8. You try to please too much; you back down too frequently; you are too much of a perfectionist; you are too generous; you are patient to a fault; you are afraid of conflict.

9. You freely pass out compliments and show appreciation for ideas and work ethic, making a big difference in promoting involvement by all team members.

10. You never point your finger. If a person comes up with a problem-solving idea, he doesn’t feel like they’re out on a limb all alone, which builds confidence in your individual team members and the team as a whole.

Hard driving Instigator leaders can sometimes be misperceived as impatient tyrants or bully bosses. Relationship-driven Empathizer leaders, and their “New Communication School” skill sets, are increasingly in demand to smooth out troubled waters that stem from mergers and other organizational changes.

Dennis O’Grady is a Dayton clinical psychologist and developer of the results-driven TALK2ME positive and effective communication system. Dennis can be reached at (937) 428-0724.

Dr. Phil–Instigator Communicator?

DR. PHIL – INSTIGATOR COMMUNICATOR?

An HR person, learning the TALK2ME leadership communication system, had this to say about Dr. Phil, whom I admire a great deal…

Dr. Phil is an Instigator. He is a terrible Empathizer. When he plays the Empathizer role, he appears very uncomfortable. If Dr. Phil knew he was an Instigator communicator, it would bother him greatly. He enjoys helping others by lashing into them with the cold hard truth…square between the eyes. He loves to debate with his words, not with his actions or ears. He is always right and seldom lets the person get away with negatalking. To him, this interaction is not a personality contest. In fact, he could care less if you walk away hating him, so long as he was able to convince you to change.

I wrote back to HR…

I had never thought about whether or not Dr. Phil is an Instigator. But your pithy analysis is right on. Why would it bother Dr. Phil if he knew he was a tough charging Instigator? Did you mean to say that it would not bother him?

Back came this reply…

Dr. O –

You had it correct the first time. If Dr. Phil learned that he was an Instigator, it would not serve him well. Let me explain.

In the business world, we all have a role to play, one in which we would like others to see us. That role then helps our careers.

For Dr. Phil, his fame and fortune depend on his ability to make others believe that he is relationship-focused, caring, nurturing, understanding, an expert listener, doesn’t rush to judgment, and considers all angles before telling someone what to do.

The characteristics I described above are not Dr. Phil. They are those traits of a positive Empathizer (E-type) communicator. Now, true, either type can come off positive or negative depending on the situation.

Think about it then tell me what would happen to Dr. Phil’s career if he or his program participants learned that the real Dr. Phil is all about fame and fortune. The reality is that he is a hard driver, about winning and losing, not how you play the game. He is insensitive to others’ feelings; he is inflexible and unrelentless; he will sell out a relationship if he believes that is what it takes to achieve the desired results; he thinks Empathizers are touchy-feely, soft babies…too sensitive, too emotional, too relationship-focused…who will follow others just for the sake of following.

Dr. Phil is all about whether he can “change them or not on national TV,” which, of course, will increase TV ratings.

The reality is that, as his primary goal, he is not in this business to help others. His primary goal is to win — helping others is secondary. If I knew that about him, I would question whether or not I could trust him.

You dig, Dennis?  Or am I way off base?

Now I was getting a little queasy with these hard-hitting observations from a fellow Instigator about his Instigator pal, Dr. Phil. Please don’t get the wrong idea. I admire Dr. Phil very much, and he is a fellow psychologist. He understands that 82% of all communication involves the silent conversations and instructions that we carry on with ourselves. And I can hardly imagine doing what he does while cameras are recording his every move! He truly makes “common sense psychology” and “positive relationship communication tools” come alive for us all.

My response…

Remarkably on point. That’s a view which shows you have a deep understanding of negative v. positive I-type motivations. And Dr. Phil has definitely adopted the positive E-type traits that will really connect with an audience…and the audiences are probably a majority of Empathizers. Enjoy your day….

The startling comeback…

Difference between Dr. Phil-Instigator positive and Dr. O’Grady-Empathizer positive:

Dr. Phil’s approach to helping others is making them feel uncomfortable about their actions in the hopes of driving change, at his pace.

Dr. O’Grady’s approach to helping others is accepting them as they are and making them feel comfortable about who they are, while helping them overcome their fears and issues at their pace.

Dr. P often uses negative reinforcement to point out one’s flaws

Dr. O often uses positive reinforcement so people are comfortable with their fears, giving them the ability to point out their own flaws, in time.

Dr. P (I+) is driven by results, success, being the center of attention, bragging and taking credit for his actions, winning, always being right, forcing people to change their ways in the hopes of driving change quickly. From this, he makes a bunch of money.

Dr. O (E+) is driven by helping others in need, behind the scenes, giving credit where credit is due, and serving his community to the best of his abilities. From this, he makes a reasonable amount of money.

LIKE TO KNOW YOUR COMMUNICATOR TYPE?

Takes just a minute to fill out the NICI and receive a free report of your communicator type… http://www.drogrady.com/type.php

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a family business communications psychologist from Dayton, Ohio.

Corrective Feedback via E-mail

YOUR WORDS COUNT FOR MORE IN E-MAIL FORM…

Do you know why your “dead words” on a computer screen are still coming through bold and alive? Below is an example of giving clear positive feedback through email.  After 3 coaching sessions with me, Joseph had this to say…

I feel a lot more confident now that I’ve been using the TALK2ME system. In the past, I didn’t get the best results from my team’s projects. People used to perceive me as a tyrant, but now, I’m perceived as caring and open to solution ideas. I’m sending the message, “I’m truly concerned about how you are doing.”

My team used to feel threatened with the requirements of their jobs and how they thought I would dictate or react to the way they approached their assignments. I’m noticing a huge positive impact that’s come about by my understanding of how Empathizer and Instigator personality traits differ. As a work environment, it’s a whole lot more positive…and it hasn’t taken much time to get results.

Joseph—US Operations & Logistics

This is a good example of including everyone in the act of good communication.

About Dayton Clinical Psychologist Dennis O’Grady

Dennis E. O’Grady, PsyD, uses the TALK2ME system to better your communication results everywhere you go.  Call Dennis for training or relationship coaching at (937) 428-0724.