Fixing Hell

Leadership communication principles boomed like a mortar round in the book Fixing Hell by Col. (Ret.) Larry C. James, Ph.D.  This is a disturbing, yet memorable, work. When Abu Ghraib was a wasteland, nothing but sand and rocks and run-down buildings, with garbage and raw sewage everywhere you looked, the Army called upon Dr. James to get a fix on fixing things fast.

Were you there? In 2004, the first CNN pictures blasted and bloodied our national psyche as images were brought home to us from Abu Ghraib, showing naked dog piles, an Iraqi prisoner standing with a hangman’s noose around his neck, and K-9 dogs terrorizing detainees. A few apples gone bad in a putrid barrel of human misery?

YOU’VE GOT TO BE THERE

This is the e-mail I sent to Dr. James, who was scheduled to give a workshop I was helping to spearhead, for clinical psychologists in Dayton, Ohio…

Hello Larry:

It was good to have dinner with you a while back.  The Dayton Psychological Association Board and membership are looking forward to your workshop.

I was deeply moved while reading your book, Fixing Hell. I truly appreciate the courage you needed to share your leadership principles and life lessons. The discussions about your mother and your return home made me weep. The media descriptions which we see and read are so sterile in comparison….

As a psychologist, you take us all to the basement to sort through our skeletons and attempt to humbly fix what’s broken.

See you at the workshop Friday!

Respectfully yours,
Dennis O’Grady

GO TO THE BASEMENT

Dr. James spent his vital life energy fixing Hell, and then he walked away with the new form of PTSD to boot. He did it by being an emotionally attached leader who was present and accounted for at all times of day and night.

Traditionally, Instigator leaders in the TALK2ME© system have been the status quo.  The times have changed. In my book, Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone, Dr. James represents the new breed of Empathizer leader. These leaders combine head and heart and use their Emotional I.Q. to fix the impossible.

Col. James, a change-seeking leader who is executing emotional wisdom without being soft, describes the core values of an Empathizer leader to his trainees:

You have to be there. As a leader you need to always remember to be there. Never allow yourself to be a vacant, distant, and emotionally detached leader. Vacant leaders simply aren’t there. You gotta go to the basement. One of the problems in most organizations is that rarely will you find its senior leaders getting down and dirty to the lowest level and looking in every closet and every basement of every building. Why? Number one, it will tell you where the skeletons are, and number two, it will tell you where all the broken crap is hidden. Number three is most important: it will tell your subordinate troops that you have a vested interest in their organization and let them know that they can’t hide anything from you. Remember, your troops will judge you by your deeds, not your words. A leader who stays in the rear will take it in the rear.

EIGHT RULES TO LEAD BY

How do you lead when you’re exhausted, dehydrated, frightened, and smack dab in the middle of the raging fires of Hell and there’s no escape hatch and your life may disappear the next instant?

RULE #1: YOU GOT TO BE THERE
Be available at all times. Be there with your soldiers. Eat at their tables in the chow hall, sleep where they sleep, everything.

RULE #2: BE SEEN
When leaders are not seen by their subordinates, they will begin to drift away from following the rules.

RULE #3: YOU MUST BE INVOLVED
Be everywhere. Along the way there, talk with and have fun with the lowest-ranking people (privates, secretaries, janitors) you meet. That’s where you will really build morale.

RULE #4: BE BOLD
We all love being around a leader who has a big set of balls. Make the right, hard, moral calls. Be bold and lead.

RULE #5: BE PASSIONATE
Be passionate in everything you do. Your soldiers who work for you will see it in your eyes, and more importantly, they will feel it in you. Your passion will spread through the rest of your unit like wildfire.

RULE #6: BE FUN
Cut up with folks, tell stories, have a good time, laugh. Nobody likes being around a mean, nasty boss.

RULE #7: BE ENERGETIC
Do whatever you do with energy, and people will want to be around you. It will be infectious.

RULE #8: BE CLEAR
Everyone who works for you must, at all times, know the rules of engagement. Remember, soldiers will do what their leaders allow them to. If you allow it, a soldier will do it.

AN ARMY PSYCHOLOGIST CONFRONTS ABU GHRAIB

That’s what Dr. Larry James learned the hard way, at a dark, hot place once used as Saddam Hussein’s torture chambers in Iraq, on his way home to his loved ones.

Dr. James in now Dean of the School of Professional Psychology at Wright State University in Dayton, Ohio.

I Make Really Bad Choices When I Feel Really Bad

Do you make really bad choices when you feel really bad? Are you able to think clearly when you’re emotionally upset? Relationship highs and lows are part of the talk scene in real life love adventures. In fact, love struck people can become emotionally obsessed with the life choices of their beloved. Tension or emotional flooding results and rationality loses out to raw emotion.

WHEN A RELATIONSHIP ISN’T WORKING FOR YOU

Are you emotionally capable or incapable? Being in love isn’t enough. Can you stand the anxiousness of being in the heat of Love’s Kitchen, or are you looking for drama and adventure? How to tell if cool logic is losing to hot emotion:

1. I make drastic and destructive choices.

2. I make bad choices when I’m depressed, boxed in, tired of dealing with reality issues, stuck in my house too much.

3. I make really bad choices when I’m feeling a mixture of jealousy and vulnerability.

4. When I make these bad choices, I feel good…and relieved.

5. Short term good feelings result in drawn-out, disastrous, damaging consequences.

6. Obsession. “I become obsessed with getting her or his attention and helping out, at any cost.”

7. Feeling Failure. “I make bad choices and make the emotional mess even worse.”

Change is your middle name. You can change the spots on a leopard if you strive to.

CHANGE KEY: RUBBER ROLLIN’ DOWN THE ROAD

You can make really good choices, even when you’re feeling really bad! (Now, it does take some work and practice to do this.) What can you do differently? Talk To Me© teaches you how to first have a good relationship with your Self, and second, how to have a good relationship with Others. Are you setting yourself up for relationship success or relationship failure?

ARE YOU THE PERSON YOU SEEK?

Anyone who is dragging around old baggage and making bad decisions, to avoid accepting new emotional realities, is not a relationship partner who is emotionally available. Make certain that person is not you! Although it’s harder to deal with yourself emotionally, it’s so much more rewarding to think clearly when you’re emotionally distraught. Be the leader of your own life, and light the way with rationality during dark emotional times.

ABOUT “TALK DOC” DENNIS O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. O’Grady provides relationship communication education and coaching using the positive and effective Talk To Me© couples communication system. He has 30+ years experience in helping couples change ineffectual communication patterns.

Snarky Communicators

Do you live with someone or work around a person who is short-tempered or irritable? Are you aware that a moody person drains the energy of positive people who are powerful communicators? The purpose of snide remarks – known as snarky comments – is to hurt you and catch you off guard by sarcastically twisting the truth. Your self-confidence is poisoned and your hopeful mind is obliterated with negative thinking.

NEGATALKING SNARKS

A snark is a shark dressed in a dolphin’s swimming suit. How one Empathizer described a Negatalker shark at work who’s snarky…

I read your article, “Negatalkers: People At Work Who Drain You.” What is the best way to deal with employees like this? I have one who spends her whole day doing this. She’s been with the company for decades and thinks she knows the best way to do everything. I have been her co-worker and now supervisor. It is truly hell to work with her. She doesn’t do her job well, so I have to reassign her tasks. Firing her is probably out of the question. Getting away from her negative behaviors would help greatly. Any advice?

Snarks specialize in putting you between a rock and a hard place. Problem is: You’re snarked if you do try to interact with them and you’re snarked if you don’t. Awareness is the first step to changing this energy-draining dance.

SNARKY: THE GOAL IS TO HURT

Here’s the “light came on” psychology behind Negatalkers, who pride themselves in living in the shadows by being snarky…

1. SPITEFUL. Snarks believe that if you hurt or sting from their finger jabbed in your eye, you deserve it. Should you grow a thicker skin to cope?

2. HATEFUL. Snarks believe you’re the gum on somebody’s shoe, a bad person who should lower your head when they walk by. Do hurtful words bounce off or stick to you?

3. SNIPES. Snarks gripe, snipe, snip, zap, and sap the positive energy of sensitive souls. Does your mind become confused when diffused with gutless negativity?

4. SNIDE. Snarks believe they have the perfect right to judge you and hand you a manure sandwich. What guilt trip are you packing for?

5. MEAN-SPIRITED. Snarks prey on people who are passionately caring. Who’s the energy vampire in your life that you’re baring your neck to?

6. FINGER-POINTING. Snarks always take the cheap parting shot because they believe you’re the one who has the problem.  Do you remember when a finger is pointed at you, four fingers are pointing back at the blamer?

7.  BRAINWASHING. Snarks impress feelings into others to ruin dreams and scheme to keep dark clouds over the sun of good ideas. Do Negatalkers drain the cup of your optimism with bad vibe feelings and impressions that make you think upside-down is really right-side up?

8. ENTITLEMENT. Snarks believe “You owe me!” for the troubles they’ve created.  Are you a guilt magnet because you’re so tuned into the feelings of others?

9. DELIGHT IN DESTROYING. Snarks believe you should pretend that everything is fine after they puncture the tire of your self-esteem with a knife. Do you feel the spirit of change moving you to park clear of Negatalkers?

10. IT’S JUST A GAME OF WORDS…NOT AN EXPERIENCE. It’s just a game for Snarks to say the words that penetrate you with loss. Do you willingly bring loss into your life by opening the door to pessimists?

11.  LIMITING OPTIONS. Snarks believe you should have a caring relationship with someone who despises you. Are you getting tired of feeling you have to pay dues to a relationship tyrant?

12. IRRITATING AND ANNOYING. Snarks want you to live a limited life that includes catering to them. Are you allowing your gas tank to being siphoned off by annoying people?

13. NOT SORRY FOR SAYING THE HURTFUL COMMENT. Snarks are only sorry for getting caught saying a nasty comment that is truer about them than you. Don’t you have your own set of issues and goals to work through?

14. SPINNING. Snarks are the spin doctors of all times – they brainwash you in conniving and convincing ways. Isn’t it time to look for greener pastures?

15. MISERY LOVES COMPANY. What hurts you makes a Snark happy. Can you accept that some people are hateful, spiteful, and vengeful, and only feel good when you feel bad?

16. RIDING THE PITY PONY. Snarks spread poison like a Scorpion behind the scenes. Are you riding the pity pony when you should be taking the bus?

17. DRIVING THE WEDGE. Snarks drive a wedge between good and loving people like YOU and what is important to you. Are you promoting chaos when you can’t get to sleep because you’re thinking about Snarks?

Your good mood and positive communication tools are the antidotes to stop the spreading poison that all generations of Negatalkers inflict. Snarks, it seems, use the oldest tricks in the book, with the new twist of a moniker that befits a diabolical communicator.

ABOUT “TALK DOC” DENNIS O’GRADY, Psy.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a Communication Expert and Developer of the TALK2ME Communication Roadmap. You, too, can profit from better communication!  Talk with Dennis at 937-428-0724.

Don’t Take Things So Personally

ARE YOU DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF INTOXICATING EMOTIONS? A BAD MOOD DOOMS…

Are you driving while under the influence of intoxicating emotions? Instigator-type (I-types) communicators’ #1 suggestion to improve communication with their more sensitive Empathizer (E-types) pals is, “Don’t take things so personally!” E-types rapidly respond, “But how am I supposed to do that when I am moody and my anxiety is raging like a storm because I can’t read your mind and don’t know where you’re coming from?” When relationship bridges are broken and misunderstanding occurs, how do you avoid acting out emotional delusions that disrupt good talk? By using the Talk2Me© relationship communication system.

STICK TO THE FACTS OF REALITY SO YOU DON’T TAKE THINGS SO PERSONALLY….

Do you drive under the influence of intoxicating emotions? Empathizers are prone to feeling rejected, slighted, not being appreciated, not feeling important, and feeling offended by Instigators who don’t take things personally enough. How can too sensitive E-types put their logic over feelings like too insensitive I-types do? By obeying these stop signs:

1. DON’T LET YOUR ANXIETY DEFINE REALITY. Acknowledge that emotions aren’t facts, and misinterpretations abound when people are anxious.

2. DON’T LET GO OF FACTS. Stick to the focus on facts that pertain to the person with whom you are communicating.

3. DON’T LET GO OF REALITY. Your talk partner is probably overwhelmed with too much on his/her plate. In fact, I-types are grief avoiders while E-types are grief embracers.

4. DON’T FORGET WHAT YOU KNOW. You know Instigators don’t like to talk when they feel vulnerable or hit with grief. In contrast, E-types are grief experts.

5. DON’T PRESSURE. Pushing an Instigator to hear or agree with your viewpoint will make these genuine souls run away from you like a chicken from a fox.

6. DON’T ESCALATE. Being combative, going over the person’s head, pointing out unfinished grief business, or talking to a third party throws salt into an open wound. Talk triangles of any kind are not constructive.

7. DON’T DROP BUILT BOMBS. Empathizers need to learn to flush away their mental crap and be their own best friends by staying true to their strengths. E-types light the way, while I-types lead the way lighted.

8. DON’T BE OVERWHELMED. “It’s not my stuff.…” is the logical way to deal with confusing mixed messages.

9. DON’T PUSH AND PROD. I-types can be very frustrating to E-types, who are too prone to feeling hurt when miscommunication occurs.

10. DON’T FEEL UNIMPORTANT. E-types need to own how important their input, energy, solutions, and change-abilities are.

11. DON’T LET THE UNKNOWN THROW YOU. Anxiety is rarely useful since fear is so often false evidence appearing real. You have no-thing to fear.

E-types criticize I-types for not being able to talk productively about emotions, so avoidance and procrastination are in the driver’s seat of the relationship.

DON’T ALLOW YOUR FEELINGS TO RUN YOUR LIFE SHOW

My dear E-types — don’t allow your feelings to run your life show, and don’t take on the disowned emotions of those I-types you love and who are struggling with grief and other tough-to-deal-with emotions. Opposite communicators can find ways to meet in the middle. Why stay in a pit of despair by yourself? Know what bugs your opposite communicator type! If you’re an Instigator, you can benefit from sensitivity training. In reverse, Empathizers benefit from insensitivity training and learning how to put their logical thinking over intense feelings.

ABOUT “TALK DOC” DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the pioneer of the Talk2Me© positive and effective communication system and a communication expert and coach.

In One Word, What Makes A Powerful Positive Communicator?

Can you describe, in just one word, what makes you the powerful positive communicator you are? Hey, now, give it a shot…. What one word streaks across the blue and orange sky of your balanced communicator mind…?

BETTER COMMUNICATION LEADS TO PROVEN PROFITABILITY

I was energized and gratified to be with the Parts Express leadership team presenting Module 3 of the TALK2ME© Communication Roadmap series. I appreciate the president and head honcho, Jeff, very much, because he is open-minded and realizes that growing the success of his leadership team sets Parts Express up for continuing success! (Here’s a chance to review my CliffNotes of The Communication Orchard http://www.drogrady.com/?p=550)

In one interactively customized TALK2ME Exercise, the equal number of Empathizer and Instigator leader participants answered, in one word, what each believed makes a powerful positive communicator. This think tank’s top pick? The group resoundingly voted for the importance of LISTENING AND BEING APPROACH-ABLE.

ACTIVATING INNER STRENGTHS

Are you activating the inner strengths of the balanced communicator?  I know you are. Keep up the good work!

▪ INSTIGATORS — OR I-TYPES — SAY THAT WHAT MAKES A POWERFUL POSITIVE COMMUNICATOR IS…

1. LISTENING

2. HONESTY

3. COURAGE

4. APPROACHABLE

5. OPEN-MINDED

▪ EMPATHIZERS — OR E-TYPES — SAY THAT WHAT MAKES A POWERFUL POSITIVE COMMUNICATOR IS…

6. A SMILE

7. GIVE TIME

8. EMPATHY

9. CONTROL OF EMOTIONS

10. SEEK TO UNDERSTAND

What a great list of values to be in the driver’s seat of your communication life. (If you would like to uncover and discover your communicator type for free, visit http://www.drogrady.com/type.php

POWERFUL LISTENING

All the participants voted for “listening and being approach-able” as the calling cards of a positive communicator. Are you electing to be a positive communicator today, no matter what mood you find yourself in?

ABOUT “TALK DOC” DENNIS O’GRADY, Psy.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a communication expert and developer of the TALK2ME Communication Roadmap. You, too, can profit from better communication!  Talk with Dennis at 937-428-0724.