The Communication Orchard

Are you harvesting your entire communication orchard crop? In the Talk2Me© system, half of the field is an orange grove called Instigator communicators, and the other half of the field is an apple orchard called Empathizer communicators. We tend to stay with our own communication type and think our opposite type is a fruit! Hey, both apples and oranges are fruits, you know what I mean? Your opportunity is to pick the ripening fruit from the area of the orchard where you’d ordinarily consider it trespassing if you were to go there!

HOW DO YOU DELIVER QUALITY FEEDBACK TO SENSITIVE TYPES?

How do you deliver quality feedback to sensitive employees or people – the Empathizer communicators? How do you harvest your entire crop instead of sitting on a three-story high pity pot? Recall the sage advice that you can’t compare apples and oranges? Well, that stands true with communication tools or keys that unlock doors to sensitive communicators, too. (No, you don’t have to nurture crap just to get things done.)

Your Empathizer (E-type) apples will prefer this type of feedback to help them feel good and embrace change…

▪ INPUT. Give the E-types the option to have their say and give their input. Don’t be unapproachable.

▪ COOPERATION. Listen to the E-type’s idea to see if it is something you can implement. Let the guy or gal go with it.

▪ STROKE OR PRAISE. Provide a steady diet of praise. Some people want to hear when they’re doing a good job.

▪ THE COMPLIMENT SANDWICH. Combine positives and negatives. Start off with a positive statement, state the negative concern, and then end with another positive statement.

▪ LISTEN/RESPECT/TRUST. Respectful listening builds trust. Listen Up! That’s why God gave you two ears and one mouth. Show respect, and E-types will learn to trust you.

▪ DO NOT CALL THEM NAMES. Talking down (i.e., calling an idea or person “gay,” even in jest) drives fearless motivation into the ground.

▪ SCRAPPY VS. CRAPPY FEEDBACK. I speak up…and you speak up…and no one is drowned out. That’s how you give feedback to E-types!

▪ PRAISE EVERYONE FOR CONTRIBUTIONS. To encourage others to replicate successful strategies, point out the positive results that your team member (spouse, child, friend) is producing. Positive feedback is a guidance system that tells us when we’re on course.

▪ TALK TO PEOPLE. Find out what’s going on in their lives and follow up the next day. Invest yourself in opening up new communication avenues.

▪ CONVEY WORTH. Convey the worth and importance of an employee’s work to the overall operation’s success. This has to be done through genuine praise in little doses.

▪ ENCOURAGE. Encourage the attributes you like to see.

▪ REASSURANCE. E-types can become discouraged during tough times, so let them know they’re not alone.

THE LET’S TALK FIELD OF COMMUNICATION

Do you hang around with or hire those who are like you, to make it easier and communicate better? Instead, let’s harvest the half of the Let’s Talk Field of Communication that you ordinarily wouldn’t touch with a 10-foot ladder. Want to double your communication profits? Now you’ve got the CliffsNotes about how to speedily harvest your apple orchard, also known as Empathizer-type communicators, if you dare to care to.

THE UNKNOWN IS JUST LESS KNOWN TO YOU

Now, don’t start flipping out thinking you’ve got to change a bushel basket full. Not so! The talking point: The unknown isn’t unknown, just less known to you. The four T2M talk quadrants are one-half of the brain, too. Why not use new neural pathways? And remember that your communication toolbox should include blue and orange tools to make your harvest go faster.

ABOUT “TALK DOC” DENNIS O’GRADY, Psy.D.

Dennis delivers Talk2Me© Leadership Communication workshops which provide a Communication Toolbox full of positive communication tools to set people up for success. Dr. O’Grady can be reached at (937) 428-0724 or at www.drogrady.com.

Listen When You Talk

Do you listen when you talk? I nicknamed a recent training class of mine the “Precision Communicators.” The 9 Instigators and 1 Empathizer communicator all told me they can do two things at once pretty well, including: “Listen when you talk.” Listening to hear with three ears, while speaking with a straight (not forked) tongue, changes us all.

THESE LITTLE CHANGES IN YOUR TALK HABITS NET HUGE REWARDS

How can you take communication training back to your home turf? The following strategies are what my team of “I’ll walk a mile in your moccasins for a change!” Precision Communicators told me that the wise man and woman…

1. ALLOCATE TIME. Minutes a day and small changes net huge rewards.

2. SPEAK POSITIVELY. You get a lot more out of your people when you speak positively. Catch someone in the act of doing something well.

3. STUDY MY WORKERS. Pinpoint your workers’ types (Empathizer or Instigator) so you’re not blind-sided.

4. RESPECT EVERYONE. Know the talk type of your life partner, your kids, and your grandkids. Create a “Talk Type Family Genealogy Tree.” Also, notice your weaknesses and improve them…don’t accept “There’s nothing I could do,” or “It hit me out of the blue.”

5. TALK TO MY OPPOSITES. Be more genuine with those people with whom you don’t get along. Speak up and disagree when you should, and don’t withdraw behind a resentment wall or look the other way.

6. LISTEN BETTER. Listen to what you’re saying, for a change, so you don’t put your foot in your mouth. That’s the way to get to the problem. Don’t listen for the quick fix or for what you want to direct and react to. Use “I need to see you a few minutes,” to spread the praise around.

7. LISTEN WHEN YOU TALK. It’s so easy to pull someone in when you talk, by listening without an agenda. Don’t shut your fellow communicator down by getting things off your chest while downing your fellow talk traveler, who will then pollute everything.

8. DON’T EXPECT EVERYONE TO BE LIKE YOU. Realize everybody’s different…except that we all need praise – praise when you don’t want or need something. Ease into the praise so you don’t sound patronizing.

9. SET THE TIME TO TALK. Put on your to-do list to talk with someone whom you ordinarily don’t take a minute to converse. Set time aside when you have none, to make deposits in your Communication Savings Account.

10. MAKE YOURSELF AVAILABLE AND ACCESSIBLE. It’s easy to barricade yourself in your office and go at it with paperwork. Get out of your comfort zone! In order to have unexpected communication opportunities, you need to be where the people are!

DO YOU LISTEN WHILE YOU TALK?

“Whistle While You Work” was an inspiring song in Disney’s The Seven Dwarfs. I define listen while you talk as: Listening to the non-verbal cues your co-communicator is sending out to you to forge a deeper connection. Does a positive question or positive statement come to mind that you can share? Example: “Thanks for all your extra efforts around here.” Pinpoint to whom you’re talking by communicator type, Empathizer or Instigator. Don’t know what I’m talking about? Then you’re not licensed to drive on the two-way Communicator Highway.

ABOUT “TALK DOC” DENNIS O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. O’Grady’s Talk2Me communication system gives people tools which enable them to successfully travel on the two-way communication highway and to reap the rewards of their investments in their people and company. Dennis can be reached at 937-428-0724.

I’ve Done Everything I Can…But It’s Still Not Enough

Is your energy being drained beyond belief by a relationship you’re working on? Are you trying hard to talk, but you feel like you’re spinning your wheels on ice? Do you feel like a dog chasing its tail in a circle? Do you feel like you work hard (and harder), and still you’re told that you’re not doing enough for your partner? If you’re screaming inside, “I’ve done everything I can…but it’s still not enough for you!” then you’re in an energy-draining relationship swamp with a Negatalker who stings like a scorpion.

THE EMOTIONAL HOOK

An Empathizer woman shared this with me, about the energy-depleting transactions of her nega-talker Instigator spouse:

I admit to being impatient and cold sometimes, but he’s denied me so much, then claimed, “I feel like a dog on a leash!” The fact is, I’m the one who’s on a leash, and I feel like a fish on a hook. “You’re doing this for revenge!” he says, when in fact I feel like an empty shell of a person who’s given up my life to take care of him. When I dare to speak up, he gets this look like I’ve yelled at a defenseless puppy. When I have a healthy sense of anger toward the unfairness of the lack of equality in the relationship, I feel guilty. He just doesn’t care. Enormous amounts of energy are required just to talk to him. He just blanks out. I know I need to quit expecting so much of myself….You’d think I would be done crying, done feeling upset. I know it’s never going to happen…he’s never going to change. I keep grieving over and over for something that isn’t going to change. It’s nuts!

ENERGY MANIPULATION: YOUR FULL-TIME JOB IS TO TAKE CARE OF ME…AND YOU COULD DO THAT BETTER

Negatalkers scratch the paint on your blue Empathizer car or your burnt orange Instigator car while kissing up to your face. Here are road signs that you’re working harder than your energy-draining partner, who

  • Gives you the evil eye or cold shoulder.
  • Scans your mood to make moves on you.
  • Acts like nothing’s wrong.
  • Implies or acts like you’re being mean.
  • Looks for any signs of detachment or distress.
  • Expects a kiss or smile to make everything in the world O.K. again.
  • Acts as though she or he has been cut to the quick by your actions or words, or lack thereof.
  • Asks, “Are you mad at me?” like he or she has been completely cordial and above reproach.
  • Escalates emotions and psychodrama over logical thinking.
  • Drills holes in the team canoe and pits crew members against one another.
  • Feels bigger when people are divided on separate sides of a resentment wall.
  • Laziness: “The older I get the less I want to work.”
  • Gossips: Talks behind backs instead of speaking in front of others at the Communicator Table.
  • Requires external pressures to motivate.
  • Prefers to make rules and break rules.
  • Energy Draining: You feel like you’re walking knee-high through wet concrete.

WHAT CAN YOU DO TO KEEP YOUR ENERGY UP AROUND AN ENERGY VAMPIRE?

1. DISSOCIATE. Accept that whatever you do it won’t ever be good enough.

2. CALM YOURSELF DOWN, AS BEST YOU CAN. Accept you will feel like there’s “crazymaking” going on all over the place.

3. TAKE CARE OF YOUR WORK. Accept that you have to be physically and psychologically separate, and do your own thing again.

4. TAKE CARE OF YOU. Accept that you need to recharge your energy battery by taking solitary contemplation time and scheduling time to enjoy your friends.

5. GROW YOUR DREAM. Accept that only you can stay focused on your passionate goals, during good and bad times.

6. DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU. Accept that you have one life to live and that your life choices are just that — your choices to make.

7. ENJOY FANTASIES OF RELIEF. Accept that you will revel in fantasies of running away and escaping from the emotional drain which tries to pull you under.

SOMETIMES TALKING ISN’T ENOUGH AROUND NEGATALKERS

Talking about issues isn’t always enough. Realistically, talking should lead to positive results that benefit everyone. When the positive outcomes of your efforts do not equal the energy you’ve expended, chances are, it’s time for a change.

WHO IS DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.?

“Talk Doc” Dr. Dennis O’Grady has 30+ years experience as a Relationship Communication Coach, Enlightening Speaker, Organizational Communications Psychologist and developer of the Talk2Me© Communication Roadmap. Talk with Dennis at (937) 428-0724.

How Do You Shut Down Instigator Communicators?

Have you ever wondered how not to give feedback to an Instigator communicator. I have, since feedback is the standard way we drive out of our ruts or comfort zones, which are often our coffins. So, how is it that you shut down your fellow communicator without knowing why or how? Instigator communicators, or I-types, love reason and hate emotions. So, long story short, get all upset and go over the top emotionally, which includes being too sweet and sugary. As thick-skinned as they are, I-types simply don’t trust rampant or extreme emotions.

SHUT DOWN FEEDBACK: GIVE INSTIGATORS NO REASON TO SPARK BACK AT YOU

When dealing with instigators? When you’re feeling too sensitive? What are fast ways to turn off an Instigator or I-type talker – like shutting off a faucet? Don’t push back, but simply withdraw, giving I-types no reason to spark – or bark – back at you. End of discussion!

According to one of my Talk2Me© training groups, here’s how to shut off I-types in short order:

• Ignore them: “Hang on; I’ll let you know.”
• Look at someone who is yelling at you, and walk away.
• Do not give attention to them – don’t listen or be preoccupied.
• Be overly nice. You’re not giving them a reason to spark back at you.
• Being nice is a form of sarcasm and pisses the I-type off even more.
• Attack their procedures. Question their ways of doing things; be able to do things better than they can.
• Show them they’re wrong. OUCH!
• Find fault and inconsistencies, compared to the norm.
• Because they’re not used to being wrong, they shut down.
• Don’t allow them to take the reins and run.
• Make them into followers instead of leaders.
• Linebacker: “You can’t shut us down; you can only hope to contain us!”
• Question their resiliency or the ability to bounce back.
• Criticize their performance as quantity, but not quality. Double OUCH!
• “Cause it wasn’t my idea” makes me feel insecure and inferior.
• Don’t offer any rational explanations: “Do it because I said so!”

I-TYPE TENACITY: YOU CAN’T SHUT US DOWN; YOU CAN ONLY HOPE TO CONTAIN US

Even “insensitive and logical problem solving people (men and women) who take charge and ride the bull through the china shop”…or everyday I-type leaders…have their breaking point. As one I-type trainee put it directly and pointedly: “Reason will prevail on my watch. You can’t shut us down; you can only hope to contain us!”

ABOUT “TALK DOC” DENNIS O’GRADY, Psy.D.

Dennis delivers Talk2Me© Leadership Communication workshops which provide a Communication Toolbox full of positive communication tools to set people up for success. Dr. O’Grady can be reached at (937) 428-0724 or at www.drogrady.com.

How Do You Shut Up Empathizers?

Imagine putting an industrial strength zipper over the mouth of the “takes things too personally” Empathizer-type (E-type) communicator. Oh, what the heck! Put two industrial strength zippers over that E-type’s mouth, and then wonder why he doesn’t ever tell you what you don’t want to hear. You know the drill: “If I want to know what you think…I’ll tell you!”

TO TURN OFF BRIGHT IDEAS, INTERRUPT EMPATHIZERS WHILE THEY’RE TALKING

How do you turn off and shut up an E-type, or ice them instead of being (n)ice? How to tightly zip the lips of an E-type communicator, according to a training group of “precision Instigator communicators” who were learning to use the Talk2Me© Toolbox:

• “Get your head out of your arse.”
• Be very demanding: This is how I want things done.
• Set unobtainable goals.
• Do not cooperate.
• Interrupt them when they’re speaking.
• Disrupt their train of thought.
• Cut them off in mid-thought to hurt their feelings.
• “You’re idea is really stupid!” (Use prescriptive pejoratives.)
• BECAUSE I’M THE BOSS (Hurts most.)
• Formal power: “Because I said so.”
• Often pull rank: “Because I’m responsible to see that this gets done!”
• Do not listen at all, but instead multi-task when they’re trying to talk to you.
• “Shut up – this is not a social hour.”
• “We don’t have time to socialize. We’ve got to get back to work.”

Make a commitment to the on-going change in your comfort zone of miscommunication.

HOW TO OPEN UP LINES OF COMMUNICATION SO THAT EMPATHIZERS WILL TALK MORE

People who are E-types are starved for personal communication, but they will move sideways or back away and withdraw into a shell when dinged.

How to open up lines of communication with Empathizers:

• Give credit where credit is due
• Use the “compliment sandwich” approach
• Disallow team or family members a personal platform for complaining
• Step out of your daily grind and take a minute to talk
• Don’t knock on people
• Give-and-take positives
• Make sure your E-type feels appreciated
• Open and regular communication is key
• Secrets are deadly, so share information regularly
• Give others a boost
• When you talk, ask more questions
• Listen without a preconceived agenda
• Fill up their energy tanks
• Make weekly deposits in their Relationship Savings Account
• Make yourself somebody important to talk to

“SHUT UP AND GET GOING!”

Empathizers can be starved for acceptance, recognition, and energy validation. Thus, E-types need lots of love! You must overcome the hurdle of disbelief that sends the message: “You’ve got to shut up and get going and put the past behind you!” So you really DO want to be a better leader at home, work, school or church? Open and regular communication is the key!

ABOUT “TALK DOC” DENNIS O’GRADY, Psy.D.

Dennis delivers Talk2Me© Leadership Communication workshops which provide a Communication Toolbox full of positive communication tools to set people up for success. Dr. O’Grady can be reached at (937) 428-0724 or at www.drogrady.com.