Do You Dwell On The Past?

GOOD GRIEF: OUT OF THE ASHES OF GRIEF SPRINGS NEW GROWTH

Do you dwell on the past? Do you stew and brood and chew over things that took place decades ago? Emotional men and women, or Empathizer (E-type) communicators, beat and kill a dead horse 10 times over. In fact, E-types are criticized for being so anxious that they repeat their negative talking points. On the other hand, logical I-types become anxious standing around dead horses and want to avoid the whole scene altogether. Thus, I-types are criticized for not talking openly enough about their emotions.

YOU CAN LEAD A HORSE TO WATER BUT YOU CAN’T MAKE HIM DRINK

Both stressed Empathizers and Instigators act like a stubborn horse that you can lead to water but you can’t make him drink. Put them together and what have you got? No or poor communication and widening communication gaps. Here’s how one Instigator husband spoke of his Empathizer wife:

My wife nags me about how little we’ve talked over the years. “We’ve got to talk about it….” makes my skin crawl. Why can’t she just get over it? Why can’t she let go and get past the past? I can’t do anything about the past. It’s over, and all we can do is learn from our mistakes. I believe the present is a present to unwrap. To tell you the truth, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say, so I don’t say anything, which I know only makes the distance greater.

GRIEF WORK: DO YOU SHUT OUT PEOPLE OR BUILD BRIDGES OF TRUST?

Most communication breakdowns are due to a misunderstanding of communicator type. Time Zones and grief tones are handled oppositely by Empathizers vs. Instigators. Which one are you and how to tell? (After all, both E- and I-types often get into communication ruts and fail to live in the present.)

GOOD GRIEF CHARLIE BROWN…

If you live in the Empathizer Time Zone…

1. E-types live in a past COMFORT ZONE.

2. E-types can’t easily drop what they’re FEELING.

3. E-types see the PAST as a half empty glass.

4. E-types will back off from using the wisdom of their own GOOD IDEAS.

5. E-types resolve present-day PROBLEMS by analyzing the past.

6. E-types don’t easily ENJOY THE SELF in the here and now.

7. E-types FOCUS ON WHY BAD things happen to good people.

8. E-types FEAR THE FUTURE – “When is the other shoe going to drop?”

9. E-types stew and chew on things to AVOID GRIEF WORK.

And that’s why I-types experience E-types as obsessive about a past that cannot be changed and about their being too grief-embracing.

GRIEF IS THE GUNK IN THE GEARS OF YOUR COMMUNICATOR CAR

I-types remember the past but won’t rehash it. If you live in the Instigator (I-type) Time Zone…

1. I-types’ COMFORT ZONE is to live in the future.

2. I-types can’t easily let go of what they’re BELIEVING.

3. I-types see the FUTURE as a half full glass.

4. I-types will back off using the wisdom of their own BAD FEELINGS.

5. I-types resolve present-day PROBLEMS by strategizing about the future.

6. I-types don’t easily ENJOY THE RELATIONSHIP in the here and now.

7. I-types FOCUS ON WHY GOOD things should happen to good people.

8. I-types FEAR THE PAST – “Why stay stuck in a rut, spinning your wheels?”

9. I-types stay busy and juggle multiple full plates to AVOID GRIEF WORK.

And that’s why E-types experience I-types as being pushy, always pushing hard to be right when feelings run on high.

TALKING ABOUT FEELINGS AND INTENTIONS IN THE TALK 2 ME SYSTEM

A frequent complaint of distressed couples is: “Why can’t you just let go of the past? Why can’t you get over it and move on?” Here’s what I recommend thinking or saying to break that dead end talking pattern…

I’M FEELING… BECAUSE MY INTENT IS….

Examples: I’m FEELING frustrated BECAUSE MY INTENT IS for us to feel close. Or, I’m FEELING worried BECAUSE MY INTENT is to have a secure job, and they’re talking cutbacks at work.”

Couples-in-trouble have too many conversations from the head instead of from the heart, so why not talk from the heart-mind….

OUT OF THE ASHES OF GRIEF SPRINGS NEW GROWTH …

Get past the past. Don’t get so wrapped up in the past that you can’t enjoy yourself today. Grief in relationships is the gunk in the gears that makes shifting difficult in your communicator car. Whatever your type, the past is gone and the future is not yet here. Arguing whether it is noble to live in the past (as E-types do), or quickly get on down the road to live in the future (as I-types do), keeps you away from mining the gold of grief in your present relationship day.

WHO IS DENNIS O’GRADY?

Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D., is a Dayton communications psychologist and relationship communications coach. Dennis wears two hats, one of corporate trainer in leadership communication skills, and the other as a couple communications expert.  The Talk2Me system bridges communications gaps and helps resolve family conflicts.  Dr. O’Grady’s mission is to give you tools to use to improve the quality of your life. Dennis is the author of Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.

Roadmap For A Successful Marriage

YOUR ROADMAP FOR A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE

Do you have a “roadmap” for a successful relationship or marriage, framed and hanging on a wall in your home? Of course you do. You wouldn’t leave from home on a long trip without consulting a map or expert regarding your travel plans. As a marriage counselor, the first question I ask is: “What are you two planning to create together? What do you want your life to stand for?” I believe in using maps to get where you want to go on the two-way communicator highway. Without one, you might take a scenic ride that proves disappointing, regardless of the views.

OUR ROADMAP FOR A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE

What does a roadmap for a successful marriage look like in black and white, and could the roadmap be more interesting and easier to follow if some color were added? Today in a pre-marital counseling session using the Talk2Me system, I popped the question to a twenties-something couple motivated to achieve good communication. In fact, the woman was an Empathizer communicator (Intuiter) and the man was an Instigator (Inventor) communicator. Here are their “What we’ll create together…” answers:

1. Happiness—personal
2. Happiness—as a couple
3. Trust—goodwill
4. R-E-S-P-E-C-T
5. Honesty
6. Healthy body
7. Healthy mind
8. Healthy spirit
9. Fun—and spice
10. Stability—and security
11. Grow—together
12. Grow—from separate individual friendships
13. Communicate openly

WORDS, WITHOUT A PLENTITUDE OF POSITIVE ACTIONS, ARE CHEAP

Talk is cheap. The pillars of trust, honesty, respect, and happiness which form the framework for your union, must be backed up with daily positive actions of both talk partners. To act compassionately or lovingly when you are ill or you’ve had a bad day, is the epitome of good communication. And yes, each communicator type struggles with an Achilles’ heel, which the opposite type would do well to understand. Not complimenting enough, making unilateral financial decisions and discouraging independent friendships or activities are three bumps in the road that couples commonly encounter. A couple must grow apart, in new or continued friendships, if they are to grow together. Growth is crucial to keep a marriage viable and gratifying.

SHOULDN’T IT BE HARD WORK?

Well, where’s the map for your two-way communication highway journey of life spent together? On what wall in your home do you have your map proudly displayed? Is the map gradually taking on color? Without a map, how are you going to be able to steer around the detours, orange barrels, and bumps in the road without ending up in the ditch? Smart couples balance the big work of marriage with scenic side trips and excursions. The kid in every adult craves to get out every now and again, if just for a few hours. Taking for granted the person you’ve taken for your life-long mate, is akin to taking the same medications, day in and day out, without ever reassessing their effectiveness. Why take a chance on passing up something new that could provide real relief? Reassess your mate’s qualities on a daily basis, then let the compliments flow. You’ll find that such actions will function like a homing device in your car as you glide down the Communicator Highway, all the while adding brilliant splashes of color to the black and white map that grows old on the wall….

ABOUT DR. DENNIS O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a Dayton, Ohio, pre-marital counselor, marriage counselor, and relationship communication coach. He wrote the book on good communication called Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone, which is available at drogrady.com or amazon. Dennis also provides keynote speeches and corporate training on the utilization of effective communication tools.

How To Talk To An Insensitive Person?

FIRST NAME FEEDBACK IN 10 SECONDS OR LESS

Some road conditions or talk barriers really turn off Instigator-type (I-type) communicators. If you want the I-type to talk with you instead of lecture you, steer clear of emotions, which are a big roadblock or barrier to good communication, in the I-type viewpoint. Unless you want your communicator car to slide off Talk Highway into a ditch, it’s best to drive around revved-up emotional roadblocks.

STOP: FEEBACK BARRIERS, INSTIGATOR-STYLE

Following are barriers to effective communication, often cited by real-life I-types in Talk2Me seminars I’ve conducted:

1. EMOTIONS. Sad emotions or tears really throw off I-types who feel uncomfortable watching anyone fall into an Abyss of Grief.

2. TALK TOO MUCH. Repeating a great point you’ve already made is like stuffing cotton into the ears of I-types. I-types want a discussion to be to-the-point, using as few words as possible. The more words they hear, the more anxious they become and the more they view their E-type talk partner as an airhead.

3. BEAT AROUND THE BUSH. E-types beat around the bush to give themselves time to radar-in on the good, bad, or ugly mood of I-type communicators, which makes I-types easily miffed and distractible…they want to get down to it!

4. ADD ONS. Adding on incidental issues, when involved in a specific problem-solving discussion, causes I-types to experience mental confusion and agitation.

5. FACTLESS. Feelings that talk louder than facts constitute irrationality in the I-type brain. Instigators prefer to logically dig down to strike gold and solve problems.

6. INACCURATE. I-types prefer black-and-white numbers and concise opinions. “Always” and “Never” are better than “Sometimes” and “Maybe.”

TALK ABOUT IT: AVOID…SARCASTIC REMARKS…ASSERTIVE

When you face a problem, created by running into a communication roadblock, and you need to yield, you have three choices from which to choose. First, you can AVOID talking about the challenge you now face. Second, you can react with off-the-cuff SARCASTIC REMARKS. Third, you can speak out in ASSERTIVE ways. The most effective response is one that solves problems and values people simultaneously.

Giving and receiving constructive feedback, based on Empathizer vs. Instigator communication styles, is as easy as remembering how each type accepts and receives discriminating judgments and evaluations.

ABOUT “TALK DOC” DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the new Talk Doc in town, a corporate consultant, team trainer, and the insightful, original developer and researcher of the Talk to Me© positive and effective communication system. T2Me has been successfully implemented in multi-generational family companies and couples communication training.

How To Give The Green Light Of Good Feedback

THERE ISN’T A ‘I’ IN TEAM, BUT THERE IS AN ‘I’ IN WIN

What gives the green light to constructive feedback when talking to your Instigator-type (I-type) co-communicators who can be thick-skinned, hardheaded, hard-handed and hard of hearing? If you prefer direct, no-nonsense feedback that drives the point home, then you’re likely an I-type as well. Do you flip on the cruise control when you order up your feedback – which is dictated by your talk type, by the way – like always ordering a steak rare vs. well done?

GO: CONSTRUCTIVE FEEDBACK, INSTIGATOR-STYLE

How to give the green light of good feedback from the viewpoint of hard charging and hard core Instigator communicators:

1. BE DIRECT. Don’t beat around the bush but come right to the point and stick to it.

2. BE ACCURATE. “Show me the facts and be able to back them up with proof,” is the challenge of the I-type communicator.

3. BE TIMELY. As the project progresses, the I-type prefers to work out problems in a timely fashion and not compound troubles by avoiding a difficult discussion.

4. POLICY-DRIVEN. State the rules, premises, and precedents for why you did what you did. What can be done differently to achieve better results?

5. BE NON-EMOTIONAL. If you get overly emotional and show it, you lose. Put your trust in logic more than feelings. Getting mad and throwing a tantrum is costly and immature.

6. SLEEP ON IT. Take time to step away from an emotional decision. Nobody is perfect, and mistakes can be made without blowing up the glass bridge of trust.

Listening to hear is based on talk type, as well. For example, Empathizers like the volume country-soft, while Instigators like it rock-hard. Different strokes for different folks!

THE CHANGING WORLD OF COMMUNICATION

Half of everyone you work with and love in this changing world of ours are Instigator-type (I-types) communicators. I-types put facts over feelings; head in charge of heart; and they focus on benefits more than setbacks. I-types believe in reigning in the wild horses of irrational emotions. Emotions, in the I-type world, cause untold conflict, loss and suffering. Give feedback in the style your listener prefers, for a change!

ABOUT “TALK DOC” DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the new Talk Doc in town, a corporate consultant, team trainer, and the insightful, original developer and researcher of the Talk to Me© positive and effective communication system. T2Me has been successfully implemented in multi-generational family companies and couples communication training.

Falling Out Of Love?

HAVE YOU LOST THAT L-O-V-I-N-G FEELING?

Have you lost that loving feeling? In my relationship communications coaching, I hear: “I love my partner but I’m not in love with him or her anymore.” Whoa, let’s slow down here. Love isn’t indestructible. It’s rather like a crystal vase, a beautiful, fragile vessel that shatters against the rough treatment of a hardened heart. But can you really fall out of love? Perhaps love is not enough, because one-third of couples report being “in love” vs. the other two-thirds who simply “like the security” of a partnership.

YOU’VE LOST THAT LOVING FEELING FOR YOUR LIFE PARTNER?

How to know if your partner has fallen out of love with you, and just isn’t into being with you….

LOVE IS LOST WHEN…

1. YOUR PARTNER TALKS DOWN TO YOU.

2. YOU FEEL DISRESPECTED. Your partner doesn’t keep you in the loop of what’s happening and why.

3. YOUR PARTNER HAS A COLD HEART, CLOSED MIND, WANDERING EYES…in short, more important time and energy commitments than you.

4. YOU TWO NO LONGER ‘CLICK’. Your partner practices values or voices ideas that no longer click with your sense of how you are and what you’re striving to become.

5. YOU DISLIKE EXTENDING YOURSELF. You no longer want to go out of your way for your partner, to extend yourself to a partner’s friends, family, work, or church associates.

6. CONVERSATIONS WHICH ARE TOO CONFRONTATIONAL. Arguments that go nowhere are the norm, and conversations easily become debative and neglectful of compromise.

7. CIVILITY IS SHATTERED. Simple agreements are broken, such as tasks which should be easily completed, but are not finished in a timely fashion.

8. THE RELATIONSHIP GLASS IS EMPTY, SAVE FOR THE PESSIMISM. Negativity: makes you dread coming home or having to talk with your partner; fills your home; and keeps draining your energy and love of life.

9. YOU AVOID PRIVATE TIME WITH YOUR PARTNER. Partners avoid sharing alone time together, instead focusing on hobbies, the kids, or work responsibilities.

10. A PARTNER REVERTS TO HIS OR HER OLD WAYS. A partner doesn’t want to feel forced to change. Some changes may be attempted at first, when trying to repair relationship problems is expected, but then the same old habitual patterns surface in a very short time.

11. HELPING IS HURTING. When one partner tries to help the other partner, but consistently feels hurt or feels like the loser during the interchange.

12. EACH PARTNER PUTS A MAGNIFYING GLASS ON PERCEIVED NEGATIVES, amplifying how bad things supposedly are, in areas such as personal flaws or relational weaknesses…and no one can seem to move out of that rut.

13. PARTNER DISTRUST AND DISGUST. This is a sure sign that resentment is squeezing out and replacing love.

14. FAMILY MEMBERS TAKE SIDES. Casting votes of disapproval about how right vs. wrong you are as a couple unit.

15. YOU EXPERIENCE DISAPPOINTING EXPECTATIONS. You’re wrapped around the axle of your partner, and you feel frustrated or fragmented by what your partner chooses to do, or not do.

ARE YOU SAILING ON A SHIP OF LOVE OR A SHIP OF FOOLS?

Miscommunication in particular, and communication issues in general, can quickly turn your Ship of Love into a Ship of Fools.

CAN’T SEEM TO MOVE ON PAST THE PAST?

Can’t seem to get past the past? Then give your relationship one last try by studying and using the Talk to Me© communication system. You’ve got nothing to lose but big bad feelings, which don’t deserve to make you feel small.

WHO IS DENNIS O’GRADY?

Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D., is a Dayton region communications psychologist and relationship communications coach. Dennis wears two hats, one of corporate trainer in leadership communication skills, and the other as a couple communications expert. Dr. O’Grady’s clinical research proves that there is much you can do on your own to become a better communicator, to stop spinning your tires in a rut of dissatisfaction and frustration. Once you begin to understand the 12 dimensions of your communicator type, as an Empathizer or Instigator communicator, new doors and windows open to powerful new ways of communication, enabling you to drive more compassionately and effectively on the two-way communicator highway. Dennis’s third book is Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone, which is available at Amazon and www.drogrady.com.