When Is It A Good Time To Talk?

BLACK ICE ON THE RELATIONSHIP HIGHWAY

When is it a good time to talk? We don’t mean to neglect our relationships at home or avoid communicating. But it takes time to prepare to communicate: you must warm up, make sure your mental toughness is on par, keep your thoughts on track, and a whole bunch of doing-the-new when your energy might be taxed and your nerves strained by a tough day at work. Each of us, at times, becomes overwhelmed by the demands of the day, and we seek refuge in our homes, where we can let down our hair and veg out to recharge our batteries. So when nerves are frayed, and emotions freeze up like black ice on two-way talk highway, how can we avoid skidding off into a ditch in our intimate relationships?

WHEN SHE’S AT HER BEST, I’M AT MY WORST, AND THAT’S WHEN WE GET INTO ARGUMENTS

Duh. Costly communication mistakes are easy to make, particularly at home, where everything feels more personal. Due to ignorance, you may not have realized that your partner may believe, feel, talk, and act differently than you do when tired or emotionally distressed. One Talk to Me© trainee put it quite bluntly:

I don’t want to deal with more issues when I come home. My partner, though, is passionate, assertive, and has high expectations. I work hard, and I work long hours in a responsible position. The energy burn at work is enormous. When I come home I’m tired and I want to spend just a little time relaxing. The last thing I want to do is come home to another set of problems. And that’s when we can get into an argument. The mistake I’ve made in the past is not to tell my partner why I’m just sitting there like a bump on a log. So, should we have to schedule a time to talk, or what?!

What do you have in common? Plenty! You have mutual interests, desires, and goals on which to build a relationship. It’s how you express and deal with those interests, desires, and goals that can get you into trouble. Don’t get too focused on the two different communication styles and deflect good talk.

TALK IN THE LANGUAGE YOUR PARTNER WALKS

Help is here! Chances are your life partner is your opposite communicator type. Here’s how that works:

I. Empathizer-type (E-type) communicators are the non-demanding, silent types, who will stuff their emotions and smile through the pain. Complaining will come out in emotional bursts of: “I don’t appreciate not being appreciated.”

II. Instigator-type (I-type) communicators are the thick-skinned, noisy types, who will boldly share their frustrations and grimace through the pain. Complaining will come out in logical demands of: “Then we need a logical plan of action here.”

Neither style is better or worse. The point is to talk the language your partner walks to obtain the best results. After all, good communication begins with you!

RELATIONSHIP EXPECTATIONS: IT’S ALWAYS PERSONAL, AND RARELY LOGICAL

“It’s nothing personal, it’s only business…” is a saying that is completely reversed at home in your closest relationships. In fact, we expect MORE from those we know and love. Thus, “It’s always personal, and rarely logical…” better describes partner and co-parent expectations. Here’s what you and your talk partner expect, and resent, when shortchanged:

  • Immediate and easy access to your talk partner
  • Drop everything to listen
  • Deal with conflicts constructively
  • Perform even when tired or fatigued
  • Go the extra mile and smile
  • Talk honestly
  • Make time for long and involved conversations
  • Speak of emotions adroitly
  • Immediately make time to talk when pressure mounts

Not too much to expect of a champion communicator, like yourself, right?

TODAY’S TALK TIP: MAKE SURE THE TALK INTENTIONS ARE CLEAR

Find the middle ground and avoid becoming polarized because of your talk types. Here’s how:

1. State your positive intention — that you will work hard and learn fast to communicate more effectively. Example: “I want to give you my full attention, but I’m exhausted right now.”

2. Talk in the language your talk partner prefers and has an easier time hearing. Use emotional language for E-types, and use logical language for I-types. Example: “I want you to know how much I appreciate (E-type) — or respect (I-type) — where you’re coming from.

3. Be open about what you’re feeling and experiencing. Example: “I just need a little time to unwind….” can be a small change that nets big dividends.

4. Don’t erect a wall. You must not throw up the wall or put on the armor and get defensive. Example: “It’s not your fault. I’m simply bushed. When’s a better time to talk?”

5. Avoid distracting arguments. You don’t want to avoid deflection, but you do want to encourage reflection. Example: “I don’t want to get into a fight with you and distract ourselves from the challenges of closeness.”

6. Change now. You can teach old dogs new tricks as you learn to drive down new talk avenues. Example: “The change I’m trying to make is to schedule a time to talk on a regular basis.”

7. Fail forward. You can make mistakes and learn from them. Example: “I just want to connect with you when you come home; maybe a quick hug will send the right message until you are able to unwind.”

REMOVE THE BARRIERS TO GOOD TALK

We all need to avoid setting up a partner to go off or to feel unduly frustrated. How? We can listen and talk in the language of our partner. But if the communication styles are so different, then how can we make time to talk? By focusing on the middle ground and not on the extremes, by accepting the other’s style and methods without fighting them.

DEEP CLOSENESS & EMOTIONAL COMMUNICATION

Perfect love is when your heart leaps for joy when you see your beloved. But we are only human! Not talking in the preferred language style of your sweetheart is the stumbling block. Deep closeness is what couples strive for through their communication efforts. Emotional communication, a blunt discussion of what feelings belong where, is the skill required to get you from here to there. Instead of focusing on what you don’t have…focus on what you wish to create, that something which is good for all.

WHO IS RELATIONSHIP COACH AND CORPORATE COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dennis O’Grady, Psy.D. values couples communication skills, executive coaching, and corporate training which solves pesky problems by producing positive results through better communication. Dennis is the original researcher and developer of the powerful Talk to Me© positive and effective communication system. The Talk Doctor’s compete textbook of good talk is Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along with Anyone, which is available by calling (937) 428-0724 or at www.drogrady.com and Amazon.

I’m Too Scared To Talk To You

STUCK IN A COMMUNICATION RUT WITH YOUR LIFE PARTNER?

Are you too scared to talk to someone? That’s not an uncommon characteristic of communication; namely, that we don’t say anything at all when we most need to. Not communicating is as common as, or more typical than, miscommunicating. You won’t change your communication patterns or ways? Way uncool! Why? Because you will be stuck in a rut, spinning your wheels and feeling worthless or inadequate. So, let’s come up with some solutions to life’s relationship riddles, instead of wearing the tread on your tires thin.

FOOL ME ONCE, SHAME ON YOU…FOOL ME TWICE, SHAME ON ME

You don’t want to carry baggage, and you don’t want to misunderstand your talk or life partner, who is most likely your opposite communicator type. The following communication scenario is an Empathizer-Instigator couple. Really, Empathizers — or E-types — don’t speak up enough when they ought to, for fear of being rejected flat out. Here’s how one sensitive E-type communications client put it:

Why wasn’t I clued in? My stir-the-pot Instigator partner has one foot out the door. Our relationship has been going through a number of changes recently. We’re at a change crossroads of sorts, including retirement and grown kids who still need financial help. I’m a pack rat and my partner resents that. How can we relocate when I can’t even take the junk to the curb? I feel emotionally overwhelmed by it all…flooded with emotion that’s causing a great commotion!

You don’t want to stew, fret, worry, retaliate, avoid, attack, talk behind backs, whiny-baby complain, or resist re-creating your life by making needed changes…do you?

ARE YOU TOO SLOW TO CHANGE?

Here are common critiques of Empathizer or E-type communicators by Instigator or I-type communicators. Are these typical Achilles heels of the E-type communicators you know?

TOO slow to change
TOO cautious
TOO flooded by emotion
TOO humble and nice as apple pie
TOO accepting of lame excuses
TOO scared
TOO trusting of words as gospel
TOO conflict-avoidant
TOO afraid to “just talk”
TOO shaken to shake off hurt
TOO reeling from rejection
TOO personal at work
TOO business at love

PUT OFF PROCRASTINATING?

There are differences in procrastination habits between Empathizer-type and Instigator-type communicators. A Communication CliffsNotes version:

I. Empathizer communicators. E-types are too slow to change, are too cautious, and they procrastinate when feeling scared and depleted.

II. Instigator communicators. I-types are too quick to change, are too reckless, and they procrastinate when feeling bored and empty.

I’M ANGRY WITH MY ACTIONS AND MY LACK OF ACTIONS

Here’s the self-talk of another stalling-out Empathizer (E-type) communicator who’s feeling WAY too emotional to put off procrastinating and just move on:

Generally, my life is great. I’ve accomplished a lot. I know I am loved. I am in a good mood. I am reaching most of my goals. I’m improving my communication skills using the Talk to Me© system.

What are the cons then? As an E-type, I still let my emotions get in the way of so much in my life. I spend money foolishly based on my feelings. Emotions cause me to be late to work, and how I feel affects my productivity. If I get stressed out, I turn to drugs to escape, instead of other, more productive means.

Bottom line: I’m afraid to move on. I’m letting all this get to me. My emotions keep me from moving on…my feelings totally get in the way of my moving on. Lately, I’ve been letting things get out of hand with credit cards, too. With everything that’s going well for me, why do I continue to bring myself down? I am angry with my actions and my lack of actions.

ARE YOU TOO SLOW TO CHANGE?

Let’s face it. You have to find time to help yourself grow and change, to be good to you. Making needed personal changes to improve your communication skills will also positively impact your relationships. But a good relationship with yourself is a prerequisite to the Course on Good Communication.

WHO IS RELATIONSHIP COACH AND CORPORATE COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dennis O’Grady, Psy.D. delivers couples communication skills, executive coaching, and corporate training which solves pesky problems by producing positive results. Dennis is the original researcher and developer of the powerful Talk to Me© positive and effective communication system. The Talk Doctor’s compete textbook of good talk is Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along with Anyone, which is available by calling (937) 428-0724 or at www.drogrady.com and Amazon.

Even Eloquent Words Are Empty Without Execution

NEGATALKERS BREAK GOOD COMMUNICATION DRIVING RULES

Do you know someone who thinks they’re the greatest thing ever since sliced bread? Or do you work with anyone who is a legend in his/her own mind? Then give up a big grin because you’re not alone in this crazy talk world. In fact, almost every day I hear negative people running off at the mouth and breaking good communication driving rules. Pretty words are empty without the plentitude of positive actions!

STIRRING THINGS UP FOR KICKS

The bad talker huffs and puffs, spouts off and pontificates, lectures you as if you’re a know-nothing, and stirs the pot of relationship displeasure. If you react and lip off or talk dumb and loud by reacting defensively, you lose your common sense and forget that your greatest wealth is being true to yourself. Why do you have to stay calm in tight talk traffic, when horns are honking, and other drivers on the Communication Highway are acting nuts? Well, you don’t. But if you dare to care…you can look past impressive appearances and become a guiding light to others.

PRETTY WORDS ARE EMPTY WITHOUT THE PLENTITUDE OF POSITIVE ACTIONS

Talk is cheap, if you let it be. Contrastingly, talk is priceless and of a benefit to everyone, when talk rules are followed. Clear communicators use these talk rules when emotions run hot, while others drive fast — and faster — in foggy driving conditions:

  • Do slow down when your emotions are hot.
  • Do listen more than you pontificate or lecture.
  • Do be aware of your self and your surroundings at all times.
  • Do respond to others instead of using “knee-jerk-me-jerk” reactions.
  • Do be nurturing to yourself and others when stressed out.
  • Do use your character values as your compass.
  • Do be a good friend to others when you are prone to trying too hard to save face by being right.
  • Do expect yourself to grow and change on a daily basis.
  • Do hear negative feedback that resolves pesky problems which haunt you.
  • Do follow good communication driving rules, even when you don’t want to.

DO YOU SPEED UP WHEN YOU SHOULD SLOW DOWN BECAUSE YOU’RE TALKING TOO FAST, TOO LOUD, OR TOO PROUD?

Is it hard work for someone just to talk with you? Instigator communicators don’t realize how intimidating they can be. Empathizer communicators don’t realize how insightful they can be. Which are you, and why does it matter?

READY TO TAKE YOUR TURN AT TALKING POSITIVELY FOR A CHANGE?

Cause and effect: You are drained by a Negatalker — someone who confidently spouts off about negative beliefs, as if they’re incontrovertible facts. They’re not…they’re just negative opinions based on whatever it takes to rile things up. You’re job is to stay calm on the fast-moving, impossibly difficult, impressively magnificent, two-way communicator highway. Ready to take your turn at talking positively for a change?

WHO IS DENNIS O’GRADY, PSY.D.?

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the developer of a powerful Talk to Me© communication system, that isn’t gender-driven, and which has been proven to increase positive communication, energy, mood, business performance, and personal life success. Those who use the system report that they enjoy their ride through life as never before. Don’t believe it? That’s because you’re investing in energy-draining communication strategies that keep you stuck, spinning the tires of your communicator car until smoke is surrounding you. Would you like to take a little pressure off yourself today, improving your performance and your mood? Then take the Talk to Me communication system for a test drive, which is results-driven and personally proven. Don’t know about your communicator type? Yikes…you are not licensed to drive on the talk highway! Empathizers are too sensitive to others and less sensitive to the inner self. Instigators are too insensitive to others and more sensitive to the inner self. Take the NICI (New Insights Communication Inventory) at www.drogrady.com to determine what strategies you need to invest in. Read the “let’s all talk” textbook that will change your communication viewpoint forever, “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone” available at this site and on Amazon.

War Of Words

I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE

Emotions rule your world when you allow them to. A war of words results, bombing your best relationships. But how do you switch your emotional attitude, when you’re reacting — instead of responding — to relationship hurts or stabs at your pride? By using the Talk to Me© system, that’s how.

IT’S ALL ABOUT THEM

If you’re silently angry, miffed, and stewing, then you are probably an Empathizer-type (E-type) communicator. If you let it be known, in no uncertain terms, that you’re not going to take it any more, then chances are you are an Instigator-type (I-type) communicator. E-types are too sensitive to others’ needs, while I-types are too sensitive about the self. You can adopt the strengths of your opposing communicator style, which then balances your personality and increases your options to talk like a champ…and to walk your talk in quiet confidence and serenity.

TIPS TO HELP YOU DETERMINE WHEN YOU OUGHT TO SHIFT EMOTIONAL GEARS

I-types know how to put the mind over emotions. E-types know when logic is limited to solve pesky problems. Neither style is better than the other, just marvelously different. Here’s how to know when you need to shift emotional gears:

1. EGO THE SIZE OF A BUILDING. Your pride is feeling wounded, and you want to set the record straight.

2. A LOOSE CANNON. You’re aware that the fuse for your mouth has been lit and is ready to explode.

3. PRIDEFUL ARROGANCE. The fact that your need to always be right, is wrong for your relationships.

4. A DISCONNECT. You aren’t connecting, with positive and accurate emotions, to the people who matter most to you.

5. IMPRESSION MANAGEMENT. You are trying too hard to impress others or rhetorically impress your viewpoints upon others’ minds.

6. MISSING TARGET. You lose focus of what you’re all about, like feeling unpressured or enjoying yourself without worry.

7. MESSING UP. You are frustrated because you know how you’re messing up the communication, but you just can’t seem to help yourself.

8. JUST TALK. You can’t just talk easily with your nemesis, and even little topics can ignite into a war of words.

9. HAPPY ON YOUR TERMS. You are wrapped around the axle of your antagonist, and you feel you must be happy on his or her terms only.

GAIN, DON’T STRAIN…JUST TALK

Does everything seem like really hard work, and you feel like you’re slogging through knee-deep mud? Then you will make matters worse by engaging in a war of words that threaten to end your relationship world…and you don’t want that. Remember, you will build a foundation of trust when you don’t say what you could say. Those few words would blow up the relationship bridge which you’re trying so hard to reinforce. “They had it coming!” doesn’t feel nearly as good as, “I deserve to feel in charge of my life, happy and contented, today.”

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS O’GRADY, PSY.D.

The Talk to Me© system will help you gain, not strain. You will notice gains in personal energy, confidence, and a quiet certainty that you can switch from driving in emotional lanes that are defeating you and yours. You will move forward easily, instead of feeling stuck in a pit of tar. You will no longer feel like a robot, and you will be able to fly like a duck through foul weather. You will stay in the present instead of invoking past pain, and you will not repeat past painful patterns in the future. You will experience positive emotions, without falling into the trap of, “But when’s the other shoe going to drop?” You will feel thankful and happy on your terms, and you will let go of needing to control anyone or anything. In short, you will be in far better spirits as you drive down the two-way communicator highway.

Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D., is a corporate trainer, relationship coach, and banquet keynote speaker who lives and works in Dayton, Ohio, USA. His latest book, Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone, describes how to become the leader of your own life and how to become a better communicator in ways that benefit all those with whom you communicate, as well as yourself.

Perfectionism Kills

TALK IS CHEAP, BUT COMMUNICATION IS PRICELESS

Perfectionism kills. That’s why hearing tough feedback is hard on the ears! Do you drive yourself too hard to attain perfection? If a 10-foot pole vault jump would be superb, do you expect yourself to clear 12-feet and consider yourself a failure if you can only make it over the 11-foot mark? Pleasing super-perfectionistic people is akin to trying to walk up a slippery slope while wearing hard-soled dress shoes. Perfectionism is a disguise worn to camouflage strong emotions, so the perfect one can lead a double life. For example, if you believe you have to be perfect to feel in control, then you will resist hearing and utilizing tough feedback that could solve sticky problems, freeing you to act like there’s nothing wrong when there’s nothing going right. It’s a perfect set-up for suffering!

RUNNING INTO THE WALL OF PERFECTIONISM?

O.K. Nobody’s perfect. But have you ever run into a wall of defensive perfectionism, a wall that’s as hard as a concrete highway viaduct, when you’re trying to talk positively with your inner self or to talk turkey with others? Here’s how one of my esteemed Empathizer female trainees put it to me:

You’re right, Dr. O’Grady, that Empathizer communicators, sensitive types like me, can pile the pressure on our own shoulders by trying to be perfect…and then secretly resent it. It does take a psychic toll when I don’t hit the target on the first try! For example, I had been doing so well, and not feeling depressed at all. Then I caught a cold, and I began to feel down, thinking I have FAILED my mission to stay well. But the fact is (self-talking), I can take a day or so to heal and be right back at work very soon. I’ve stopped making sweeping statements like, “ALL my efforts are shot because I’m sick and have to slow down.” Slowing down doesn’t mean I have to come to a screeching halt…something I’ve learned while running marathons. I can keep moving forward!

Empathizers trained in the Talk to Me© system take setbacks, or self-described failures, far less personally than those who have not become familiar with the Talk to Me strategies and tools. Conversely, Instigators who are familiar with the system, listen more sensitively to feedback they might not want to hear, but when the feedback is implemented, it will work wonders for everyone involved.

HOW DO YOU SEE YOURSELF WHEN YOU MAKE MISTAKES?

Are you dying to be perfect? Your communicator type determines how you view your Self — when you make mistakes or cope with life setbacks, self-imposed or unintended — and what your Achilles Heel is:

I. Empathizer-type communicators. E-types may feel like failures when they hear realistic negative feedback. Negative thought: “I’m worthless.” E-types then blame themselves for failing, which makes incorporating helpful feedback difficult. Bottom line: Blaming Self for failing to be perfect can result in E-types’ becoming too risk-cautious.

II. Instigator-type communicators. I-types may feel like they’re not good enough when they hear accurate negative feedback. Negative feeling: “I’m inferior.” I-types then blame others (or the situation) for failing to succeed, which makes digesting helpful feedback dicey. Bottom line: Blaming others for failing to be perfect can result in I-types’ becoming too reckless.

Perfectionism is a killer, equally so in corporate or family life. Addressing the core issues of perfectionism help us all heal, learn, and grow. Extreme perfectionism is shared equally between E- and I-type communicators and is a leading cause of depression, lack of motivation, and anhedonia (not enjoying life).

DRIVING RULES FOR DELIVERING QUALITY FEEDBACK

So, what are some ground rules for talking sense to yourself when you feel like a big, fat failure (E-types) or like a lofty loser (I-type) who’s inferior and simply not good enough? Characteristics common to delivery of high quality feedback:

  • Unbiased…no extremism…sweeping statements
  • Direct approach…not shaming or blaming
  • Corrective input…gushing, mushy positives not allowed
  • Accurate…tells the truth…tough love
  • Timely…sets a timeline to achieve different results
  • Undefensive…superiority complex, hype and pontification, impression-making, grandstanding, tit-for-tat, and political power wars not allowed
  • Reality-based…facts first; feelings last
  • Change-driven…old dogs can learn new tricks when the master teaches

Perfectionism kills. It kills your chances for making positive changes that result in esprit de corp.

IT’S A GOOD DAY TO TALK…STUPID MISTAKES CAN MAKE US SMARTER

Are you willing to learn from your mistakes and move on while discovering what you need to know on the go? I bet you are!

“If he makes a mistake, he sees himself as a failure!” said a female I-type about her E-type partner. The E-type shot back, “It was a stupid mistake. I could have prevented it and saved myself and everyone else a whole lot of grief!”

Stupid mistakes can make us smarter, as long as we learn from them! If you cut across four lanes of talk traffic, you’re probably going to get into a wreck. And that’s exactly what happens when people get all emotionally riled up from chewing and stewing on constructive negative feedback.

CAN YOU GIVE UP THE EXHAUSTING TASK OF BEING PERFECT?

Is it possible to give up the exhausting and impossible task of being perfect? Yes, if you don’t try to accomplish the feat perfectly! For a change, try walking in the shoes of the communicator type that’s being critiqued. Here’s how Empathizers and Instigators alike may feel when coming to grips with shortfalls or mistakes. Can you relate?

1. RUNNING HEADLONG INTO A CONCRETE VIADUCT OF DEFENSIVENESS. A knee-jerk reaction for E-types is to become sad and quiet when mistakes are recognized. In contrast, I-types get mad and noisy when mistakes are discussed. For both E- and I-types it’s hard to just relax and reach out to talk. Thus, due to ignorance, E-type and I-type teams get steamed at their opposing team, shutting down problem-solving talks.

2. EARS STUFFED WITH COTTON. Half-listening not only won’t solve problems, but it also becomes a big problem itself. Why get so upset about “tough love” or “smart work” feedback which explains why your efforts aren’t working as well as you would like them to? Neither E-types or I-types need to stew in resentment or plan retaliation moves.

3. AVOIDING. An Empathizer who feels like a big, fat failure is likely to stop sharing ideas and sticking to him- or herself for any number of reasons: I’m feeling bad; I just want to isolate myself; I know I’m an odd duck, so let me alone; I’m feeling flat out of luck, so stay away before it rubs off on you. Net sum — Problem confrontation is avoided. An Instigator who feels like a zero loser is prone to shutting off two-way communication, striking out on new friendships because of feeling shame, pushing ideas down closed throats, or blowing up trusting bridges of communication. Net sum — Problem awareness is avoided. Either way, we all lose.

4. THE REAL COST OF THE UNREAL PERFECT PERSON IMAGE. Why push away honest feedback? By learning quickly from mistakes, you solve pesky problems before they can multiply. Perfectionistic E-types will stay down too long after a failure and become risk-adverse. Perfectionistic I-types won’t stay down long enough following a losing streak and become change-compulsive. Thus, both E- and I-types hide their weaknesses, slipping under the radar. And, since big problems aren’t their gig, self-prescribed failures come out of the blue to hunt them down and haunt their lives.

It’s easy to be driven to distraction by perfectionism! Understanding your communicator type will better help you come to grips with your own personal shortfalls as a communicator, so you can improve as a person a little bit every day.

TALK IS CHEAP, BUT COMMUNICATION IS PRICELESS

Talk is cheap but communication is priceless! Why does it matter how you handle your mistakes and shortcomings and the shortfalls of others? In every relationship, from the kitchen to the boardroom, all problem-solving change depends upon learning quickly from quality feedback that seeks to renew your life.

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the researcher and developer of the Talk to Me© positive and effective communication system. Dennis is a relationship communications coach, corporate trainer, organizational keynote speaker, and the current president of the Dayton Area Psychological Association.