All posts by : Dr. Dennis O'Grady

TAP THE BRAKES TO SLOW DOWN BAD TALK

Do you put the brakes on bad talk? “I probably said more than I should have!” is a clue that you need to clear the way ahead for good talk. Tap on those brakes when you’re moving too fast. Slow down and keep your eyes peeled for a traffic jam or pile-up ahead! Instead of going to extremes, such as reacting too passively or too aggressively, too pessimistically or too optimistically, seek the middle road or directive course of action. And, too, the right course of action may not feel real good.

DO YOU HAVE A HIGH COMMUNICATOR I.Q.?

Know your communicator type and you will go far! If you are emotional and sensitive, then you are an Empathizer or E-type communicator. If you use logic and reasoning to cope with life, then you are an Instigator or I-type communicator. If your feelings are easily hurt, and you have trouble getting beyond the past, then you are probably an E-type. If you get mad, tell it like it is, and then get over it but are caught off guard when others are still stinging from your words, then of course you are an Instigator communicator. It matters not whether you are a boy or girl, straight or gay, young or elder, generation X or generation Y, rich or poor, black or white, American or European. What does matter is your communicator type.

THE JUNK IN THE TRUNK

Emotions aren’t a breeze for either Empathizer (E-type) or Instigator (I-type) communicators, who are an even split between men and women. In fact, when all emotionally riled up with no place to go, E-types will act out and do something stupid. On the other hand, I-types will talk out and say something stupid. Either way, buckle up because a talk crash is looming ahead. Tragically, in fact, our respective blue (E-type) and burnt orange (I-type) talk cars speed up when we should tap on our brakes to slow down. Then, on we speed dangerously fast down a foggy road of messed-up communication gaps. So, how do you slow down when your emotions have you moving way too fast?

TAP THE BRAKES TO SLOW DOWN ON BAD TALK

Vulnerable emotions mess up mindful communications. What to do when your emotions are running hot, but you seek to speak assertively and confidently without coming across as an arrogant idiot? Do you follow good communication rules even when you don’t want to because lashing out or running away would feel better?

DO TALK:

* Do tap on your brakes when your emotions are running hot.

* Do release yourself from the prison of perfectionism.

* Do listen more than you pontificate or lecture.

* Do hear negative feedback that resolves pesky problems which haunt you.

* Do escort the elephant in the room outside your front door.

* Do respond authentically to others instead of using “knee-jerk-me-jerk” reactions.

* Do pull out the tree from your own eye before you point out the toothpick in the other guy’s eye.

* Do nurture yourself and reach out to others to “depressurize” when you’re stressed out.

* Do use your character values (honesty, integrity, respect) as your compass when speeding along, lost in a fog of emotion.

* Do take the cotton out of your ears, especially if you are prone to trying too hard to be right, just to save face.

* Do make every effort to change and grow on a daily basis.

* Do have the first action, instead of having the last word.

* Do be a validator, instead of a villain.

* Do remember that God gave us one mouth and two ears for a very good reason!

* Do follow good communication driving rules, especially when you don’t want to.

* Do slow down when your emotions are hot.

A SINGLE COMMUNICATION FAILURE DOESN’T MAKE YOU A COMPLETE FAILURE FOR ALL TIME

I strive daily to improve my communication skills, which at times seem woefully lacking, due to a trunk load of emotions. Thus, as the “Talk Doctor” (T.D.) I don’t suffer from a superiority complex but from an inferiority complex! What do you stand for? When you fail to communicate, is it always the other guy’s or gal’s fault? The (b)lame game is lame!

GUTSY COMMUNICATION

Do you feel that many problems can be fixed by communicating clearly while following the rules on the two-way Communication Highway? Gutsy communication solves problems and values relationships and loves people.

The Talk to Me© system is the communication map to solve many confusing relationship communication riddles…when you use it!

WHO IS RELATIONSHIP COACH AND CORPORATE COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dennis O’Grady, Psy.D. delivers couples communication skills, executive coaching, and corporate training which solves pesky problems by producing positive results. Dennis is the original researcher and developer of the powerful Talk to Me© positive and effective communication system. The Talk Doctor’s compete textbook of good talk is Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along with Anyone, which is available by calling (937) 428-0724 or at www.drogrady.com and Amazon.

CHOOSE YOUR MOOD CHANNEL?

Depressurize…today. But how? Where does your pressure originate — lack of sleep, unexpected problems, shortage of time, or bad moods caused by someone getting on your last nerve? Problems in cahoots with emotions have a way of distracting you from finding solutions to even the smallest of puzzlements. Moreover, you want to be able to get your work done and enjoy yourself, and your team members, as you effectively solve problems that benefit everyone. Can you pump up your mood and promote unstoppable motivation in yourself? Yes, by using the Talk to Me© positive and effective communication system. Talk tip? Purposefully select the talk lanes in which you drive, to boost your positive energy and help you feel calm, centered, and confident…and to encourage you to solve problems, not cause them.

I’M NO LONGER IN A BAD MOOD WHEN I WAKE UP

Here’s how one manager using the Talk to Me© system described the changes that quickly added up in his life:

I used to always be on a bumpy mood ride…I would get mad over anything. I couldn’t get to sleep easily at night, because in my mind I’d be trying to solve all my problems that arose during the day. Then I’d wake up in a bad mood and get mad at myself, feeling the angry grogginess of sleep deprivation. My mind wouldn’t clear, and I couldn’t think straight during the day. It’s not nearly as bad now, because I’m using the talk tools from Talk to Me. I’ve needed something to be significantly different in my life for a while. Perhaps this positive change will last. We’ve even had good times talking as a family, and we feel good as a couple, too. It all feels really good.…I feel calmer, more confident, and more able to flexibly handle whatever comes up during my work day. People at work comment on how much better I’m doing, but as an I-type teaser I just say, “Hey, it’s my new haircut!” But my thoughts really are flowing freely…I’ve been accomplishing more work in less time…and I’m feeling much less depressed.

The Talk to Me© system will help you feel more energized on a regular basis, whether the work is routine and boring or exciting and passion-driven! You will be in the driver’s seat of your work performance, and you will enjoy it!

EMPATHIZER VS. INSTIGATOR COMMUNICATOR MOTIVATIONAL APPROACHES

Your innate communicator type determines how you approach work and motivate yourself to complete the work required. Innate differences:

• SENSITIVE EMPATHIZER COMMUNICATORS. Sensitive types — Empathizer (E-types) communicators — disapprove of feeling pressured, and when their backs are up against the wall, it takes a psychic toll. When feeling pressured, Empathizers’ stellar performances decline and taper off. E-types then become overly cautious, opposing any activities which involve taking a risk, becoming risk-adverse.

• INSENSITIVE INSTIGATOR COMMUNICATORS. Insensitive types — Instigator (I-types) communicators — handle pressure like pros, but it can take a physical toll. When crisis strikes, Instigators quell their emotions to excel. When boredom comes home to roost, though, I-types’ energy and motivation drains from them like gas through a hole in a gas tank. I-types then become too impatient and risk-perverse by stirring the pot or jumping into new lines of work.

Neither energy vector source is better or worse than the other. From the brief descriptions above, are you an E- or I-type communicator when it comes to pressures at work and problem-solving preferences?

PROBLEM-SOLVING: NEW, SMALL STEPS NET HUGE REWARDS

What small problem-solving steps might give you a completely new view of what’s working and what’s not working? Ways to open both E- and I-types’ minds to new solutions that work to solve pesky problems:

1. Be on-purpose. Often, you hear this true excuse: “But, I didn’t do it on purpose.” That’s exactly the problem! You need to do more things ON PURPOSE. Otherwise, your mission will be off-purpose and off-course. The result — a lack of problems being solved.

2. Don’t try to solve problems as you’re trying to get to sleep. Although you think about tons of issues and possible solutions, you will not get to sleep easily nor will you sleep peacefully. Solutions to problems are rarely found in your dreams.

3. Master the habit of Deflection and Distraction. Humans hope that by ignoring problems, they’ll go away, and perhaps they do, for a while. Then they will sharply boomerang right back at you, whacking you in the head or cutting your cheek.

4. Own and wear your part of the problem proudly. Awareness is the first step to solving a problem. Be aware that you pile much stress on yourself by the way you talk to yourself, and how you do or don’t structure your day effectively.

5. Allow yourself to accept help. You live in the growth zone, not the stunted zone! Talk to professional consultants, who will serve you as a neutral voice of calm reason, about the issues which perplex you.

6. Change your point of view, just a little. Turn a little to the left or to the right to see a different view of the Grand Canyon…or the problem at hand. Park in a different spot…read something you ordinarily wouldn’t…walk around in your work space to places where you normally wouldn’t go. Often, a change of scenery is just what is needed to induce “the light bulb comes on in a darkened room” effect.

7. Let go of Dictatorial Communication. Your way is not the only way, and many times it’s not the best way, even when you can convince others to follow you. Two-way talks result in A’s bright idea + B’s strong opinion being put on the Communicator Table, where they merge into C, a creative solution that no one saw while focusing on a singular option.

Why go on a bumpy mood-ride that jolts your problem-solving capacities and deflects your attention from solving what you can and letting go of what you cannot control?

ON CONFLICT AND EMOTIONS

Are you unintentionally causing conflicts that stress you? Of course you are! You often burn your own psychological toast! Well, how does pressuring yourself with extremely negative (pessimistic) thinking or extremely positive (optimistic) feelings relate to your communicator type performance, using the Empathizer or Instigator lens?

I. E-TYPE CONFLICT STYLE. For Empathizers, accepting unnecessary conflict is tied to feeling helpless in the face of anxiety. E-types will unintentionally put up with big problems for too long — by trying to ignore the elephant in the room — before fixing them. Thus, when they are anxious, E-types are vulnerable to changing too little as the time stands still.

II. I-TYPE CONFLICT STYLE. For Instigators, causing unnecessary conflict is linked to feeling hopeless in the face of boredom. I-types will either unintentionally create a mess and make problems when they feel bored, or they won’t solve the little problems, that are as clear as the noses on their faces, which could lead to big solutions for everyone. Thus, when I-types are bored, they are vulnerable to changing what they shouldn’t touch with a 10-foot pole.

When E-types and I-types are driving their respective blue and orange communicator cars — cutting across negative talk lanes without signaling — problems are repeated and reinforced. Unhelpful communication patterns develop and become indelibly etched in the drivers’ minds. E-types know how to groove with people, while I-types know how to move people! And, although E-types need to have the first action, that doesn’t stop I-types from having the last word!

THE HUMMINGBIRD EFFECT

In my motivational story of the hummingbird stuck in my garage, Birdie made her problem much worse by doing the opposite of what would work. She flew to the back of my garage where it was dark, then flew up to get out, beating her little head against the ceiling, trying to get out, until her tiny feathers were flying everywhere. Know the feeling? The actual solution was to fly down…and back, toward the bright light, to escape.

This is yet another good reason for adopting the strengths of your opposite communicator type! The solution is in the other room in your heart-mind, so to speak. That’s why I recommend this problem-solving and energy-producing communication rule: “When you’re doing something that isn’t working, do something — anything — differently, including doing the opposite of what you’ve been pushing.”

Repeating problems paradoxically give us all a feeling of security, because the same results predictably keep happening over and over again. Is this the kind of security that we really wish for?

WORK WITH YOUR EMOTIONS INSTEAD OF AGAINST THEM

Pushing against the river will wear you out. Why working constructively with emotions is so important to both E- and I-types:

E-types: You don’t have to run and hide from your emotional anxiety, through bad action habits or being the proverbial ostrich. This is problem avoidance.

I-types: You don’t have to run and hide from your emotional boredom, through bad talk habits or being the proverbial bull in the china closet. This is solutions avoidance.

My dear Empathizers and Instigators, we all work better together! You can look at the bright side of things — and still deal with dark emotions — as you solve problems effectively, and move on down the road of life with a smile and a feeling of gratification.

ABOUT LEADERSHIP COMMUNICATION TRAINING EXPERT DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Get behind the wheel and take control of your communication and organizational skills with Dr. O’Grady’s Executive Coaching and Professional Training. Dennis O’Grady is a Dayton region psychologist who provides private therapy for couples and communications training for corporations. Dr. O’Grady’s pioneering interpersonal communications system will help you get along with anyone, even the difficult or annoying people in your life, to make you a better communicator. His communication system is the focus of his third book, “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone,” which is available at www.drogrady.com and Amazon.

SLY AS A FOX

Are you dealing with a crafty, conniving communicator? What do you know? Plenty! When you feel tremendous fear or anxiety in a relationship, chances are you’re dealing with a very clever communicator, one who has a magnetic personality and who is smart as a fox. “We’re not working out…we’re not a good match!” may not be enough to get you out of the arms of the crafty communicator. Grief, too, will nip at your heels, “If she or he leaves, I will lose out on the best thing that could happen to me. Couldn’t I do more to fix this problem?” Acid test: If you can’t push back or say “No” when you are met by great debates or a sledgehammer-type talk approach, then you are dealing with a difficult cagey communicator.

HOW DO I KNOW IF I’M DEALING WITH A SLY COMMUNICATOR?

Some telltale symptoms of being in a relationship with a sly communicator…

• They try to feed me a manure sandwich of fear-driven thinking
• Energy-wise, I feel like I’m slogging in knee-high mud while chasing a hog
• I feel anxious in the relationship much of the time
• Addictions seek me out
• I don’t feel free or able to leave the relationship
• My mind gets obsessively stuck on what my relationship partner is or isn’t doing

Basically, you feel like you’re walking on your tiptoes on broken glass. And you never know what mood will be staring at you, from the face of your partner.

WHEN YOUR ENERGY IS BEING DRAINED BY A CRAFTY COMMUNICATOR

How to know if your energy is being stolen and controlled by your difficult relationship partner:

1. FAIRY DUST THROWN IN YOUR EYES. Your vision will be clouded by a demeanor of charming innocence. There is a wide-eyed look or beguiling voice tone used as the crafty communicator bears down on you.

2. I CAN’T TOTALLY HAVE HIM OR HER. You will sense in your gut that you really can’t stay close to the crafty communicator or attain his complete commitment.

3. YOUR FIRST AND LAST IMPRESSIONS ARE WRONG. I’ve affectionately nicknamed the crafty communicator The Impressionator, because this person can’t ever quite be tied down in words or deeds or made to keep her word. What you see is definitely not what you get.

4. THE IMPRESSIONATOR. As the master of disguises and ruses, the impression you get will be carefully contrived by the crafty communicator. You will be led to conclusions by subtle suggestions and promptings.

5. MIND-BOGGLING ANXIETY. You will have more and more and more worriment when you are involved in a relationship with the crafty communicator. Your anxiety will sky rocket when actions are taken by him to undermine your authentic love.

6. GRIEF SHATTERING YOUR HEART INTO A MILLION LITTLE PIECES. The Impressionator is a blend of “impression-maker” and “terminator.” You will feel impending loss, threat of loss, fear of loss, actual loss, future loss, loss multiplied when the crafty communicator drops your expectations in a deep bucket…then turns…and walks away.

7. EXTREMISM. You will feel, “Oh, no, this is my only option!” — “If I don’t stay with this relationship, I’ve got nothing!” — “I feel so lonely and despairing without him or her!” — “I may not be able to have all of him/her, but at least I can settle for the consolation prize of a little bit!” There is a chronic feeling of grief and loss, such as, “This is as good as life gets, so you had better take it!” You will feel like you’re wearing a heavy, water-soaked winter coat, while hiking across a mountain range.

8. WORK FOR LOVE. You will feel that you have to work hard…really hard to communicate and really hard just to get along. You’ll walk on eggshells for fear you’ll do or say something to cause another blowup. You’ll put aside your wants and needs to say “Yes” when you really want to, and should, say “No.” In short, you must work unduly hard to try to earn love, but you won’t ever be loved normally or easily…as you deserve.

9. ENERGY DRAIN. Without your clever communicator, you will have much more energy for other people, pet projects, and doing things that are pleasing to you. In the absence of your crafty communicator, all the uncertainty that has been spread around like manure, disappears.

This communicator sub-type isn’t a fluke. It’s not a bizarre or a once-in-a-lifetime encounter, either. But, you can survive the emotional vampire.

GO ON…

It takes a while to unscramble this slick and deceiving communicator puzzle so you can put all the pieces together to see the whole picture. You’ve done well. You should know that my second nickname for this communicator type, revealed through the Talk to Me© effective communication system, is Teacher. Why, you ask? Isn’t a teacher supposed to help you learn something important, something that will help you understand and be a positive member of society? Yes, and you will be taught over and over again to discover something new and empowering about yourself so you can get on with your life instead of dragging around the Impressionators’ grief baggage for them.

WHAT TO EXPECT, SHOULD YOU GO ON WITH YOUR LIFE AND LEAVE THE SLY ONE…

1. You will experience far less anxiety.
2. You will no longer blame yourself.
3. Your obsessive thinking will cease.
4. You will explore new avenues of pleasure and self-expression.
5. You will see and hear truth clearly, and you will be true to your own thoughts.
6. Your once-addictive habits will disappear.
7. You won’t feel like a nut who hasn’t yet fallen from the tree.
8. You will see through the multiple disguises of any Impressionator you should chance to meet.

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D

Dennis O’Grady is a Dayton region communications psychologist who provides private therapy for couples and communications training for corporations. Dr. O’Grady’s pioneering interpersonal communications system will help you get along with anyone, even the difficult or annoying people in your life, to make you a better communicator. His communication system is the focus of his third book, “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone,” which is available at www.drogrady.com and Amazon.