Clarify and Confirm: Is The Message You’re Sending The Same Message Being Received?

EMPATHIZERS OUGHT TO SPEAK OUT AND PUSH BACK MORE OFTEN

Is the message you’re sending being received accurately and honestly, without prejudice or tilted spin? Perhaps not. What to do when two opposing talk types are trying to solve problems together, but from different viewpoints? CLARIFY. Both styles naturally prefer their own way of doing things and which happen to be the driving rules for complaining. But, without knowing it, these styles can inadvertently turn each other off. “Your Erroneous Zones,” a favorite bestseller by Dr. Wayne Dyer, gives several prime examples of this.

IS THE FOG OF NEGATIVE EMOTIONS BLANKETING THE TWO-WAY TALK HIGHWAY?

All of us erroneously assume that the main message we’ve sent is the same message which was received. Not so! The message and the messenger’s intent are often confused due to the fog of negative emotions on Talk Highway. Can you anticipate how your complaints and suggestions will be heard by your opposite communicator type? Is there a better, more effective way to deliver quality feedback (complain) which could calm us down and solve problems fast? You bet there is! Try walking a mile in the moccasins of your opposite communicator type!

WHAT DO EMPATHIZERS (E-TYPES) NEGATIVELY THINK WHEN INSTIGATORS (I-TYPES) COMPLAIN?

Let’s be negative for a minute about what stuffs cotton in E-types’ ears:

Here we go again….
Why does everything always have to have such a positive spin?
There’s no honesty about emotions

I’ve got to shut up and deal with this stuff on my own
I don’t understand why you won’t listen to me!
Can everything really be this rosy?

I can take it a little longer!
I feel too stuck to move on
I’ll talk to you later.

At this point, the I-type might think that an E-type doesn’t care to solve an obvious problem.

WHAT DO INSTIGATORS (I-TYPES) NEGATIVELY FEEL WHEN EMPATHIZERS (E-TYPES) COMPLAIN?

Let’s be negative for just a second, about what stuffs cotton in I-types’ ears:

Here we go again …
Why does everything always have to have such a negative spin?
There’s no rationality or plan of action here

I’ve got to offer suggestions to solve the problem
I don’t understand why you get mad at my trying to help
Can everything really be this bad?

I can’t take it anymore!
I’ve got to move on
I’ll check with you later.

At this point, E-types might feel that I-types don’t care to understand their personal feelings and situational stressors.

WHY NEGATALKING TAKES A TOLL ON COMMUNICATION HIGHWAY

Everyone complains. I’m not against complaining, per se. However, I’m for limited, not unlimited, complaining. True, Empathizers ought to speak out and push back more often. But, my dear E-types, do you realize that complaining too much will make your Instigator talk companions’ skin crawl? Yeh, you know. That’s why you keep some of your best ideas to yourself.

And my dear I-types, do you understand that telling an E-type to switch driving lanes fast, without looking into their rear view mirror, is driver’s education coaching they can’t follow? You might as well be telling a chimpanzee to change into a gorilla, or a gorilla to change into a sloth. You’re going to have a talk accident if you don’t watch where you’re going! “BUT how do you say what’s wrong without coming across wrong?” one client asked.

INTENDED MESSAGE SENT … IS THE MESSAGE RECEIVED?

To make sure the message you’re trying to get across at the Communicator Table is the same one which is received, you’ll need to make sure that you’re sending the message in your talk partner’s preferred style…no pushing your point of view if you’re talking with an E-type, and no backing down from your ideas if you’re talking with an I-type. Secondly, clarify, CLARIFY, CLARIFY! You’ve all had communication courses which taught you to use “I” messages, so put your knowledge to use:

1. I want to make sure I have this right. Are you saying….

2. I intend to have a clear understanding of how to proceed. Are you suggesting….

3. I need to know who is taking the next step. My understanding of what we are going to do is….

4. I thought you had told me to do it this way. I want to be clear about what you want so I can give it to you….

5. I’ve got to speak my mind here. I don’t think this part of the plan is going to work because….

6. I want to clarify. It’s your belief that the next step I need to take is….

7. I need to confirm this outloud for my own benefit, to make sure I’m on the right track. I should have ___ to you by ___. Is that correct?

8. I want to think outloud here and throw some ideas up against the wall to see if any of them stick. I’m not set on any of these ideas, because I find brainstorming with you creates better ideas that have a greater chance of succeeding. Is that a fair use of our time?

9. I’m not sure I’m hearing you accurately. You’re saying….

10. I want to get this feedback correct. Instead of doing ___, you want me to start doing ___.

11. I think I may be coming across like I’m not fully on board with this project. Is that how I’m coming across to you?

12. I need to check out an alternative that I’ve been tossing around in my mind. Do you think that ___ might be a solution to this problem?

13. You’ve given me a lot of information to digest. I want to make sure that I’m correctly prioritizing what you see as the top three “to do” items. Are you saying that first…; second…; third….

14. So, what you’re really saying to me is ….

Use your own words and speech patterns. The objective is for you to develop the strategies which work for you, while following the examples above. You’re not a parrot, although I’ll bet you’ve felt like a pigeon now and then! These are just some ideas to put some pop into your communication punch lines, but which won’t knock anyone out.

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST, DENNIS O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D., provides workshops and coaching on Effective Leadership Communication using the results-driven Talk to Me© innovative communication system. Dennis is also a relationship communications psychologist and corporate trainer from Dayton, Ohio. Dennis’s 2005 Dayton Leadership Study tested a sample group of 32 “proven, effective, and ethical leaders” who are responsible for running companies which account for over half of the jobs in the Dayton region. Dr. O’Grady’s findings are in his latest book, Talk To Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone, which aims to better communication across all levels. Consult with Dr. O’Grady by calling (937) 428-0724.

Men Are From Venus, Women Are From Mars

MEN EVER SENSITIVE AND WOMEN EVER LESS SENSITIVE?

Who doesn’t love Gray’s “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus?” Bam! Rightfully so, since in 1992, Dr. John Gray, an internationally recognized expert in the fields of communication and relationships, told us that men need to retreat to their caves now and then to get their bearish bearings. But in my book, traits associated with men (a thick skin) are traits of the Instigator-type communicator. Likewise, traits often associated with women (sensitivity) are traits of the Empathizer-type communicator. Thus, taking my research outcomes into consideration, about half of all men are sensitive Empathizer (E-types) communicators, and half of all women are less sensitive Instigator (I-types) communicators. As the planets of love spin, things continue to get more and more interesting!

DISTINGUISHING MALE AND FEMALE EMPATHIZERS from MALE AND FEMALE INSTIGATORS

In my book, I describe how differences are not as much a gender or personality thing as they are a communication-type thing. Who’s talking? A man or woman who is an Empathizer-type (E-type) or an Instigator-type (I-type) communicator? Well, either or both is the correct answer. Try these shoes on for size and fit to get the hang of the differences:

E-types (men and women) like compliments and verbal praise
I-types (men and women) think giving words of appreciation is corny

E-types (men and women) sting from corrective feedback
I-types (men and women) dispute corrective feedback

E-types (men and women) tend to feel guilty about being too sensitive and staying upset for too long
I-types (men and women) feel guilty for hurting people with their “out of mouth” experiences

E-types (men and women) complain to connect and to strengthen relationship bonds
I-types (men and women) get mad at complaints that waste time or don’t inspire action

E-types (men and women) feel bad for feeling bad
I-types (men and women) feel bad for talking mad

E-types (men and women) want to calm things down by backing away from conflict
I-types (men and women) wish to stir things up by moving forward with confrontation

E-types (men and women) look at why change is possible
I-types (men and women) look at why change is blocked

E-types (men and women) use “I feel….” talk language to get their bearings
I-types (men and women) use “I believe….” talk language to get their bearings

E-types (men and women) like and need more verbal praise than objective rewards
I-types (men and women) like and need more tangible (monetary) rewards than praise

E-types (men and women) think I-types are heartless
I-types (men and women) think E-types are clueless

E-types (men and women) prefer “What would you suggest we try to improve…?” brainstorming
I-types (men and women) prefer “Why isn’t what we’re doing working around here?” brainstorming

Both E- and I-types of either gender can go to extremes when stress is high and energy reserves are running on low.

I-types then feel helpless and ineffective as problem solvers, while E-types think they’re not worth much and not very good contributors to the cause…both of which perceptions are false.

DROWNING IN A SHALLOW POOL OF TALK

Bad communication makes you feel like you’re drowning. When you begin to feel like you’re drowning, and you use the new talk tools from the Talk to Me© system, you’ll be able to stand up and realize you are only in knee-high water. When you get past the fear and negativity, you will find that your opposite communication type is EASY to talk with. Instead of complaining or screaming at one another, or hiding away in a cave, just keep traveling down the two-way Talk Highway. You’ll find that the journey to meet your goal can be very rewarding and fun

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D., provides relationship communications coaching and corporate training as the developer of the results-driven Talk to Me© positive and effective communication system. Dr. O’Grady’s communication textbook, Talk To Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone, betters communication across all levels. Consult with Dr. O’Grady by calling (937) 428-0724.

Who Do You Think You’re Talking To?

COMMUNICATION CHALLENGES IN A FAMILY BUSINESS

“Who do you think you’re talking to?” is the million dollar question when you’re borrowing benefits from the Talk to Me© communication system. In communication coaching meetings with me, I include: how to typecast — how to determine your and your talk partner’s communication types; the core talking points that make E- and I-types different to talk with; and how to enjoy talking with Instigator — or Empathizer — communicators. How do I communicate on the level of my talk partner (my opposite talk type)? It’s not so difficult to do!

HOW DO I BRING UP AN UNCOMFORTABLE TOPIC?

Today’s Million Dollar Talk Question:

My daughter works as my employee in the financial business. I am an Empathizer communicator, as is Eve. How do I get the conversation going? How do I talk with my daughter about her job performance and work preferences? Eve doesn’t say much to me about anything that’s bothering her, but both of us would agree that she doesn’t have enough to do. When I give her something to do, she’s O.K. with it, but there’s not enough to keep her busy. I have streamlined my business systems to hum along on their own. How do I talk to Eve about how or why things aren’t working out with her? How do you talk clearly and directly with an E-type when things aren’t going well?

DO YOU KEEP IN MIND WITH WHICH TYPE OF COMMUNICATOR YOU’RE DEALING?

Empathizer-type communicators, or E-types:

-like to be busy

-like structure, goals, and accomplishing important tasks

-like being contributors and workhorses

-energy dims like lights on a dimmer switch on a Christmas tree

-stuff their frustrations inside and don’t talk about them

-appreciate encouragement to talk about tough issues

-want to please others and get along with everyone

-avoid conflict at all costs

-are goal-driven and must work from a sense of passion

-don’t want to let a parent or boss down

-may lack confidence when looking for another job

-might not let go and move on when they fear peer, parental or societal disapproval

GIVING CLEAR AND DIRECT (CORRECTIVE) FEEDBACK

Dear Boss:

Given her talk type, the current job situation is not a good fit for her. Perhaps Eve has some good ideas for changing the situation if she doesn’t feel like you’re being let down. Realities of impending changes looming in the distance can hurt. Eve is going to feel terrible, because she doesn’t feel wanted, she’s letting Dad down, and it’s not a productive place for her to work. But working in an environment where passion and interest is lacking will depress E-types of any gender. In fact, the sensitizer may not show up for work or not put her whole heart into projects. She may fail to investigate her outside options.

It’s time to briefly talk with Eve. Do not come to any foregoing conclusions. Come to the communicator table and talk as two caring people who don’t want to hurt each other. Then talk about the tough issues in a compassionate way. Talk about options and clarify any confusion or conflicting ideas, if the level of unhappiness is as high as we think.

Let me know how things turn out.

Best….

SUMMARY OF FOCUS ON GIVING CLEAR AND DIRECT (CORRECTIVE) FEEDBACK SESSIONS

1. Practice typecasting.

2. Think through what you need to say.

3. Prepare your initial comments in a script.

4. First, put the purpose of the meeting on the communicator table.

5. Follow the FEEDBACK FUNCTION process.

6. Check after there’s been time to digest the meat of the meeting, to ensure there were no miscommunications.

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a corporate trainer, relationship communications coach, and motivational keynote speaker. Dennis has focused on improving effective communication among everyone, including in-love couples, at-work teams, corporate leaders, and their families for over 30 years. Dennis is the innovative pioneer of the results-driven Talk to Me© positive and effective communication system. This textbook on positive communication, Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along with Anyone, is available at Amazon or at drogrady.com.

Giving Clear Feedback

OPENING SWOLLEN AND CLOSED UP EARS

Giving clear feedback is a skill at which the master communicator has become proficient. All of us fear confrontation and conflict that is hurtful instead of helpful. Muddy feedback feels confusing and demeaning. Clear feedback is direct and illuminating. It’s different strokes for different folks, too. In the Talk to Me© communication system, clear feedback is difficult for Empathizer-type (E-type) communicators to give because they feel it too often hurts feelings. Clear feedback is also a challenge for Instigator-type (I-type) communicators to receive, because they think two sides to every story can be told. Overall, the point of giving clear feedback is to promote positive changes that benefit all the people paddling in the same canoe.

WHY GIVE FEEDBACK?

In delivering quality feedback, the difficulty is that strong feelings emerge, making ears swollen and closed up. What can happen when constructive feedback isn’t effectively given or if it’s not heard in an efficient or timely fashion? Well, here are four spirit-killers of companies, teams, and families, which result from fear of giving feedback due to apprehension about retaliation:

PARALYSIS. I-type communicators become frustrated because the same old, same old bad stuff keeps boomeranging right on back, producing the same so-so levels of performance.

WALLS. E-type communicators, who have solutions to vexing problems, will keep their great (and greatest) ideas to themselves, stowed low behind their high walls of resentment.

IDEA DEPRIVATION. When E-types’ passionate ideas are tied together with the progressive I-type tenacity, the resulting unbeatable team is one that unleashes the key energies and breakthroughs to allow a company to keep running ahead of the pack.

TURNOVER. The best and brightest E- and I-types will leave organizations (couples, families) to seek greener grass, which is right under their feet…if anyone cared enough to water and fertilize it.

All of us fear conflict and unnecessary confrontation. Since most of us have had the unpleasant and distasteful experience of being on the receiving end of negative feedback that’s akin to getting your skin pricked with needles or chewed on by fleas, it’s no wonder giving feedback is such a fierce challenge for all of us Empathizer and Instigator communicators. What a bear!

5 STEPS TO GIVING CLEAR FEEDBACK

You are a good role model of giving clear feedback, because you don’t want to wait until it’s too late for the feedback recipient to change. Here are the five steps used in the boss or supervisory role:

1. PREPARE TO GIVE THE FEEDBACK
2. TELL THE RECIPIENT OF THE FEEDBACK WHY YOU’RE TALKING
3. TELL THE RECIPIENT WHAT YOU THINK OR FEEL
4. ASK FOR INPUT TO CLARIFY THE FEEDBACK
5. MAKE A PLAN TO HELP THE RECIPIENT ADDRESS THE SHORTCOMINGS STATED IN THE FEEDBACK

You will want to write out your clear and direct change message, to keep you from straying away from the message content when the typhoon of emotions arise. Additionally, you won’t be distracted or DEFLECTED from taking control of the situation. Moreover, you will send the genuine message that you value the other person as an integral part of your personal growth and relational life. Then, together, you CAN develop a business plan to correct the matter without further blowing up bridges of trust.

Let’s examine a real life example of giving clear and directive feedback. Here are 5 steps you can follow to give feedback that makes good changes happen fast — and last — using the Talk to Me© positive and effective communication system:

STEP 1: PREPARE TO TELL THEM

The golden rule of giving clear feedback is never-ever-ever just wing it or fly by the seat of your pants! You should write down in advance a clear script of what you are going to say. How to get ready? Well, what is at the heart of your core message?

Example: Joe isn’t making enough sales calls. Joe is a company veteran. Joe receives bonuses based on sales. What’s happening with Joe? He needs to be making those sales calls. I can keep in my mind the key items and focus of what I need and want to say. I don’t think I will stray off track. I’ll keep my notes at hand, but I think I’m ready now to sit down with Joe to talk about what’s the matter. (Practice saying the core message out loud a few times before your meeting.)

STEP 2: MENTION WHY YOU’RE TALKING

Be clear and direct about why you’re having the conversation. Don’t beat around the bush with either communicator type when you two sit down at the communicator table to have an intense talk. Be explicit about, “The reason I want to talk with you is….”

Example: Joe, the reason I want to talk with you is your unwillingness or inability to make 15 sales calls per week. You are consistently not meeting your goal, and I feel we need to discuss why this is.

STEP 3: EXPLAIN WHAT YOU THINK OR FEEL

Can you walk in the shoes of your opposite communicator type? Of course you can. For example, Empathizers prefer to hear what you THINK about the problem, while Instigators prefer to hear how you FEEL about the situation. Neither approach is wrong, just different. Use any combination of “I think…because,” or “I feel…because,” statements in order to net the best results.

Example: Joe, I feel concerned (disappointed, depressed, upset, angry, etc.). Joe, it disappoints me BECAUSE you’re not making even the minimal level of calls. Joe, I’m concerned BECAUSE you’re a veteran sales person in this company. You’ve been with the company 30 years. People look up to you and your experience. If you’re not making the calls and setting the example for the younger sales people, then they won’t make the calls, based on the bad example, which will prevent them from being successful. Joe, the other reason it concerns me is that BECAUSE you’ve worked for the company for 30 years, you’re expecting a certain income level. With the compensation being variable as your work is reflected, the fact that you’re not making the calls, could affect your future income….

E-types will DO something stupid (like quitting) as an indirect way of giving tough feedback, while I-types will SAY something stupid (shoot off their mouth) as a distracting way of receiving tough feedback. (Both are avoidance tactics that confuse communication. Deflecting good feedback that encourages you to look in the mirror of change isn’t useful.)

STEP 4: ASK FOR INPUT

Sincerely ask for input and listen to the responses. Listen up and don’t interrupt! This final part of Giving Clear Feedback takes the longest time. You are listening to what the feedback recipient has to say, and you don’t want to be steered in a non-productive direction. So, Listen up and don’t interrupt!

Boss: Joe, I want your input. How do you feel about that, Joe? How would you like to respond to what I’ve said? What are your thoughts? (This is the complex part and it’s not simple. The speaker may wander around and you will have to bring him/her back.)

Employee, Joe: I don’t believe in the product….I don’t want to work that hard….I didn’t realize the younger guys looked up to me….My mother just died….I haven’t been paying attention because I’ve got a sick kid at home….My wife/husband just left me….I don’t have any energy, and my physician can’t tell me why….(Uncovers what’s going on in a person’s life…mother is dying so employee is not paying attention, etc.)

We’re all SO naive to think personal life doesn’t affect business, or the reverse. Although this is the longest and least structured part of an “everyone wins” conversation, you will learn that by walking in the shoes of your opposite communicator type, you will avoid unnecessary losses and unfortunate misunderstandings that harm us all.

STEP 5: MAKE A PLAN

The hardest thing to do relationship-wise is to confront issues and follow through with indicated disciplinary actions. But doing so enables everyone to flush out the issues, allows the receiver to feel heard and valued, gives tough love that is received in like-kind, and brainstorms good options to get things back on track. Thus, these are truly corrective actions that will make life much better for everyone involved.

Boss: How do you feel about that now, Joe? Are we clear about the next steps we need to take? And the results that are expected? Great. I think we’ve flushed out the issues and how to change the situation. These are ways we’ve both freely agreed to correct the problem: X/Y/Z.

NO ONE LIKES CORRECTIVE FEEDBACK, ACTION PLANS, CORRECTIVE ACTIONS BUT….

More people loathe than love negative feedback. But without corrective negative feedback we can travel in circles, lost in a swamp or on the outerbelt of the Communication Highway, and never reach civilization or our destination. We can do better than that. Here are the five steps again ….

1. PREPARE TO TELL THE RECIPIENT
2. TELL THE RECIPIENT WHY YOU’RE TALKING
3. TELL THE RECIPIENT WHAT YOU THINK OR FEEL
4. ASK FOR INPUT TO CLARIFY THE ISSUE
5. MAKE A PLAN TO CORRECT THE ISSUE

Listen to what THEY have to say? Yes, if you’re using The Cliff Notes version for giving clear and direct feedback using the Talk to Me© communication system. It’s the best game in town to ensure that you’re being heard, if the person you’re talking with isn’t about playing the games people play.

DRIVING ON THE TWO-WAY TALK HIGHWAY — REASONS FOR GIVING CLEAR, DIRECT AND DIRECTIVE FEEDBACK

By the time you reach the junction of the FEEDBACK FUNCTION, everyone present can leave with a plan to fix the problem, and each person knows and understands that results will be accounted for, as in “I’ll be watching you….” Why go to all this trouble to talk? The truth of the matter of talk: Clear communication, as opposed to confusing communication, works untold miracles. Are you a miracle-worker? Of course you are. Giving good, clear feedback, using the Talk to Me© system is useful in working miracles BECAUSE…

  • You write out the message
  • It’s non-threatening but to the point
  • You don’t beat around the bush
  • You get right to the point
  • You stay on your intended message
  • You personalize the discussion by stating genuine concern for the person
  • You devise a plan
  • Yes, you feel chastised…but you feel good about it
  • You aren’t accusatory…you don’t make accusations about anything
  • Your communication is a combination of business and personal
  • There’s no retaliation
  • There’s precious little critical parent interrogation
  • You don’t dress someone down
  • You stay in control of your strong emotions
  • You don’t allow talks to spin out of control and land you in a ditch

That’s why “talking sense to yourself and others” works so well!

WHY DOES BEING A RESPONSIVE COMMUNICATOR WORK?

Why does it work? Because you are being a responsive, not a reactionary, communicator, who is putting up with changeable frustrations or putting others down who need to give change a chance. You are using an approach that borrows from the best of both worlds of Empathizer-type and Instigator-type communicators, an approach that fuses together the combined traits of sensitive and insensitive communication styles to get the point across.

GIVING CLEAR FEEDBACK IS A SKILL AT WHICH THE MASTER COMMUNICATOR HAS BECOME PROFICIENT

Giving clear feedback is an acquired skill of good communication, between equal human beings at disparate levels in an organization. Delivering quality feedback is not for the faint-hearted or coward who picks at the toothpick in your eye, all the while ignoring the tree in his/her own eye.

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a relationship communications coach, corporate trainer and pioneer of the innovative Talk to Me© positive and effective communication system, which streamlines communication that is productive and useful, inside your head, inside your company, and inside your relationships. Communication mistakes and accidents plague us all, but the Talk to Me© approach to good communication will help boost your mood, keep your energy up, and free you from the tar baby of negative relationship emotions. Just try out the results of good communication for yourself!

Good Communication Isn’t A Fluke

DON’T LISTEN TO NEGATIVE FEEDBACK FROM NEGATIVE PEOPLE YOU DON’T RESPECT…GOOD COMMUNICATION ENERGIZES YOU

Good communication isn’t a fluke. It involves a simple system of enlightened moves. Sure, you have to work at the Talk to Me© system a little bit, but you’ll have fun getting results that motivate and inspire you. Do you have a lot of inner-personal communication power? Good communication first begins with how you talk to you. Good communication energizes YOU, while negative communication drains energy out of your communicator car battery, making you feel distressed. When you feel badly, you’re prone to making mistakes or doing things that are detrimental to you. Meanwhile, the energy of your motivation drive can freeze up because all of your energy is being drained right out of you.

TYPECASTING SKILLS CLIFF NOTES…DO YOU KNOW WITH WHOM YOU ARE TALKING?

Do you know the communicator type of your talk partner? One way to tell is how a communicator treats the self during difficult times. Some of your most important communication — how you talk to yourself — occurs when you’re cut off in communication traffic and are steamed under the collar….

ARE YOU TALKING TO AN EMPATHIZER COMMUNICATOR?

Empathizer (E-type) communicators can suffer from low self-esteem and end up being their own worst energy enemies, as they cut themselves down with self-criticism, unfair comparisons to others, or downright mean self-shredding about mistakes made.

Be advised: E-types are more sensitive to you and less sensitive to themselves, which makes them feel down and glum, and they act moronic.

In short, my dear E-types, inaccurate negative self-talk is a bad habit that can be broken!

ARE YOU TALKING TO AN INSTIGATOR COMMUNICATOR?

In opposite fashion, Instigator (I-type) communicators can suffer from excessive self-esteem and sound boastful when trying too hard to talk up their personal assets, in order to avoid negative emotions. Being an optimist isn’t always helpful when trying to problem-solve tough, painful situations.

Be advised: I-types are less sensitive to you and more sensitive to themselves, making them feel angry, anxious and scared, and they talk stupidly.

In short, my dear I-types, inaccurate positive self-talk is a bad habit that can be broken!

ADOPTING THE STRENGTHS OF YOUR OPPOSITE COMMUNICATOR STYLE

IF ONLY…both of these communicator styles would stretch into the unknown style of the opposite communicator type. Much less emotional extremism or psychodrama would materialize! E-types could better boost their spirits with the assistance of positive believing, and I-types could look more objectively in the self-analysis mirror. Both types would get a better grip on relationship realities, and positive change would happen fast and last.

ARE YOU A POSITIVE TALKER OR A NEGATALKER?

Do you let up on the criticism when you’re feeling let down? In general, are you a positive talker or a negatalker? Or are you a legend in your own mind, one who doesn’t really know what others truly think about you? Let’s find out how open you are to good communication. Simply answer yes (agree) or no (disagree) to these communicator statements:

  • I purposely pick myself up when I’m feeling down
  • I slow down when I’m talking too fast
  • I go the extra mile and smile when I’m feeling bad
  • I change what isn’t working in my life
  • I show how much I like people
  • I don’t interrupt in the middle of a sentence, to talk over the speaker
  • I daily show my life partner and customers my caring in words and through deeds
  • I use a goals map to know where I’m traveling
  • I am a happy person and don’t stow it, but show it
  • I listen to fair complaints with an open mind
  • I don’t listen to negative feedback from people I don’t respect
  • I know the grass is greenest where you take care of it
  • I put off procrastinating
  • I make sure to warmly thank ALL the people who support me
  • I let up on the criticism when I’m feeling let down

If you answered yes to MOST of the above items, and if your closest associates and life partner would agree that you do these things, then you are a clear, positive communicator who doesn’t send confusing messages or give wrong directions to others who are lost.

HAVE YOU NOTICED THAT NEGATIVE EMOTIONS…NEGATIVE THINKING…NEGATIVE BEHAVIORS…NEGATIVE TALKING…DO NOT TYPICALLY CHANGE ANYTHING?

How you feel and think about yourself energizes or depresses you and those with whom you come into contact. E-types are expert criticizers, and I-types are expert flatterers. Neither is better or worse. There is a time and a season for both skills in the Great Universe of Good Communication.

Have you noticed that self-critiquing or self-promoting often doesn’t foster positive changes in your life? Accurate positive talk keeps you going at even speeds, while negative talks alternately make you speed up fast, then slam on your brakes hard, then accelerate fast, then….

HAVING MORE PERSONAL ENERGY ISN’T A FLUKE…IT’S UP TO YOU!

Having more personal energy isn’t a fluke! Energy is created by how negatively/positively and accurately you talk with yourself and others. Are you a positive talker who focuses on gain and hope, or a negatalker who’s constantly critical and fearful of loss? Truth be told: Some of your most important communication, how you talk to yourself, matters most when you’re cut off in communication traffic and steamed under the collar.

How you talk with yourself will either speed up the changes you hope to make or slam down the brakes hard on your self-confidence.

ARE YOU ENJOYING THE TRIP OF THIS LIFETIME?

Aren’t you enjoying this trip of a lifetime? Are you in a good or bad mood? Are you enjoying a communicator trip you won’t soon forget? When you use the Talk to Me© system, one of the key benefits you will realize is more energy. What do I mean? You will experience your energy levels as filling up instead of draining out, gaining instead of losing, optimistic instead of pessimistic, a life that is fun-filled instead of drama-filled, self-confidence instead of self-shredding, feeling like a miracle instead of a mess, and pushing for action instead of procrastinating. If you can’t believe these results, then you haven’t been driving in the four Talk Lanes of the TALK TO ME system.

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the developer of the Talk to Me© effective communication system that will quickly improve your communication skills in your personal relationships as well as at work. Why invest a few bucks and a little time to better your communication style in streamlined steps? Why not! Bad communication is like throwing opportunities and money right out the window of your blue or burnt orange communicator car. Good communication pays big dividends, while the Blame Game drives you and your relationship into a ditch.

Refusing to change the oil in your car means you will get a few miles down Talk Highway, but you will burn your engine out and need to call a tow truck. The TALK TO ME system is comprised of clear rules to make your trip down the two-way communicator highway effective and enjoyable. “The light bulb came on!” effect is just one of the key benefits you’ll receive when you personally use this innovative approach to good communication.

Don’t feel like you’re in the driver’s seat of your own life? Start preparing to get your license to drive on the two-way communicator highway today! Get improved communication results that will benefit everyone with whom you correspond, in the workplace or at home. When you use the TALK TO ME effective communication system, you’ll experience a communication trip you won’t soon forget!