All posts by : Dr. Dennis O'Grady

FATAL ATTRACTION…PLAY MISTY FOR ME

What are the core characteristics of the difficult person or “cold communicator” in your life? The affect is always the same: You feel like you’re going crazy, being driven up a wall and down again; spinning and rotating, wrapped around the axle of the difficult one; feeling anxious as you try to figure it all out; scratching your head and wondering why you deserve such brutal rejection. “I just want us to be close!” bellows the cold communicator as the dagger is plunged into your back again. I use various names to describe that difficult or cold communicator in your life: Negatalker…The Cagey Communicator…The Impressionator. At base, the difficult communicator plays a communication chess game with you where winning trumps a real relationship. The net result is that unnecessary loss, grief, strife, and unbridled conflict prevail to pummel peace and harmony.

CASE EXAMPLE: THE MARTYR COMMUNICATOR

Here’s how one of my communications clients, who is using the Talk to Me© system, described dealing with a difficult elder female family member:

If anybody dares not to buy into her delusion, she dumps them out of her life. She takes no hostages…and that happens to kids, friends, anyone who doesn’t buy into her story. She doesn’t listen to anybody’s advice, not even professionals. None of this had to happen. She turned down a good deal because she couldn’t have been a victim anymore. She sets it up so she loses, then acts like she had nothing to do with it…and that the other person has screwed her.

In the case above, this “martyr” plays “the victim violin,” throwing her emotions around like a bully to manipulate family members, using intimidation to force her way. Does emotional blackmail work to get others to back off? You bet it works…especially with tender-hearted Empathizer-type communicators.

CHARACTERISTICS OF THE COLD COMMUNICATOR

How to tell if you’re in a relationship with a difficult negatalking communicator?

• You will feel mentally hooked around the revolving axle of the difficult communicator….
• You will feel like you’re going crazy….
• You will experience being driven up the wall and down again….
• You won’t see results, since talk is big while changed actions are small….
• You will observe that difficult people are on a quest to be both victim and vindictive….
• You will feel intimidated to talk honestly and openly….
• You will worry that you might enrage the difficult person, if you speak up or tell the truth….
• You will avoid confrontational or disagreeable talking….
• You will go into a talk spiral and experience communication crashes….
• Your energy will disappear down the rabbit hole just like Alice….
• You will experience the difficult person as lazy…deceitful…cowardly.

Negatalkers will get you to own their peculiar brand of crazy. There’s never a new solution to any dilemma. You do more, get less of what you most want, and nothing changes significantly for very long. Like crazy, man.

THE NEGATIVE EMPATHIZER VS. INSTIGATOR COMMUNICATOR STYLE

Let’s not be lazy here, though. Difficult people are negative communicators, either Empathizer-type communicators or Instigator-type communicators. If you’re interested, you can find out your communicator type, with no strings attached, at www.drogrady.com. For now, here’s how to know with which of the two types of negative communicators you might be talking, and that includes yourself:

EMPATHIZER-: CORE TRAITS OF NEGATIVE EMPATHIZERS

• Compliant
• Sap
• Modest
• Implosive
• Imitator
• Wishy-washy
• Yes, agree-able
• Doesn’t push back
• How you play the game
• Sad

INSTIGATOR-: CORE TRAITS OF NEGATIVE INSTIGATORS

• Demanding
• Sarcastic
• Arrogant
• Explosive
• Intimidator
• Unbudging
• No, disagree-able
• Debates
• Winning is everything
• Mad

KNOWING WHAT MAKES NEGATIVE I-TYPE OR E-TYPE COMMUNICATORS TICK

My studies suggest that negative Instigators (Instigator-) make up the majority of the hard-headed, annoying, difficult people in your life, those who don’t get it or who don’t benefit from corrective feedback. Thus, they don’t follow through on needed changes that would benefit themselves, their companies, or their families. Before you try to sit down at the Communicator Table to talk to your difficult person, keep these core traits of cagey negatalkers in mind so you won’t be a sucker for their shenanigans:

1. COLD AS ICE
Cold communicators are fearful of human suffering, grief and loss, states of vulnerability, and lack of control.

2. IGNORES THE WEAK SPOT
Weakness arouses vulnerable feelings in cold communicators which cause disgust and mean knee-jerk-you-jerk explosive reactions.

3. ISOLATES, DISTRACTS, AND DEFLECTS GOOD TALK
What the cold communicator can’t control is stuck into a mental compartment — shunned, shamed, and blamed into virtual non-existence.

4. IN A STATE OF DISGRACE
Dead ears are the norm with the cold communicator, and corrective feedback isn’t heard unless it’s written on a two-by-four plank and delivered to the top of the head, repeated a dozen times.

5. BOLD-FACED LIES
“That didn’t (or won’t) happen!” rhetoric is abused as you notice that actions don’t match up with words.

6. PRIDE-FILLED AND GREEDY
“I’m not going to apologize because I didn’t do anything wrong!” and “How would you feel if you were in my shoes?!” are wrecks resulting from travel on a one-way talk street.

7. MASTERFUL MANIPULATOR
Negative labels plastered on you suggest you’re doing too much of X or not enough of Y, and therefore you should change your ways if you know what’s good for you. Either way, your not measuring up to their performance standards becomes the focus.

8. NEEDS THERAPY BUT…
Seeking outside help is shunned. However, co-workers, family, and friends of the cold communicator often read tons of books and articles or seek out therapy to deal with these crazymaking communication dynamics.

9. IT’S ALWAYS YOUR FAULT
That you’re all wrong helps get the difficult person through the day. Of course, you know doing the right thing is often so wrong for productive relationships, replete with positive emotions.

10. STRATEGIC REWARDS AND PUNISHERS
Strip it all down and the cagey communicator is calculating. He or she steals energy and hands out strategic rewards (love, money, approval, sex, time, etc.) for complying with the marching orders.

In sum, talking positively first with yourself by using the Typecasting function in the Talk to Me© system, will strengthen your will and free you from vice of the negatalker, empowering you to live your life as you want.

DIFFICULT COMMUNICATORS STEAL (OR STEEL) THE WILL…AND SICKEN (OR HEAL) THE SOUL?

Do difficult communicators steal the will and sicken the soul? Not if you’re in the driver’s seat of your life! You are steeling your will, healing your soul, and contributing your talents to a world in desperate need of them! Just goes to show though — when you restrain your mouth, your ears open up. Is the difficult person in your life really interested in bettering communication? Probably, if the stakes are high enough. It’s a Miracle On Talk Street! Moreover, as a genuine problem-solver, you walk the talk while you watch out for those difficult people who talk and sit — while you walk and carry them! When dealing with a martyr or other difficult person, I heartily suggest you adopt the strengths of both the positive Instigator or positive Empathizer communicator. Everything just might change in the blink of an eye, as the light bulb comes on in the darkness.

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dennis O’Grady is the original researcher and developer of the Talk to Me© communication system, which streamlines communication to be productive and useful…inside your head and inside your relationships. The Talk to Me© approach to good communication will help boost your mood, keep your energy up, and free you from the tar baby of negative relationships or emotions.

HOPE IS HERE: WHAT ONE INSTIGATOR COMMUNICATOR HAD TO SAY ABOUT THE EASE OF LEARNING AND USING THE TALK TO ME SYSTEM

I have been reading for a while now and have already started to obtain useful information and comparisons from the TTM system. One that caught me right out of the gate:

The Talk to Me© system is designed to improve your energy and motivation, and give you the stamina to achieve your goals, by talking sensibly to yourself instead of wallowing in the mud of self-imposed self-pity. You are the perfect talk road warrior! Get that junk in your trunk out of your head. Use the spiritual tools which are neatly tucked away in your glove box. Use your communicator map to get to where you need and want to go. Otherwise, you are going to be an energy drag to be around.

I now can reflect and see all the mistakes I have made in my communications. I have new options to clarify communication with my opposite communicator type…instead of getting a reaction such as when water is poured into oil.

How to know when the communicator car you’re riding in is being driven wildly by an Impressionator? Here are the emotional signposts that sensitive Empathizer communicators use:

You feel stuck in what they will or won’t do.

You don’t feel listened to.

You feel like you’re going crazy trying to understand what’s going on.

You feel drained, like you’re slogging through knee-high mud.

You feel shock and awe that everyone around you sings praises of the crafty Impressionator.

You feel sorry for their woes and misfortunes.

Impressionators have a way of, well, carefully leaving impressions in your heart and mind, but they don’t ever fully commit to showing their emotional hands.

WHO IS MS. OR MR. IMPRESSIONATOR?

I discovered the rare Impressionator communicator type while doing field research using the innovative Talk to Me© effective communication system. Impressionator is the word I coined because it best fits the foot of the Cagey Communicator. Metaphors galore help define the Impressionator: The elephant in the room was brought to you by the Impressionator. The ostrich whose head is buried deep in the sand is a friend of the Impressionator. In fact, your Impressionator is as slippery as a fish. He or she is a sly-as-a-fox man or woman who can’t commit to anything except getting into your chicken coop…with your consent! Legends in their own minds, Impressionators give all who come near the impression that they are the rainmaker who will make flowers grow in the desert.

IMPRESSION MAKER + TERMINATOR

Impressionator combines impression maker and terminator because loss and grief are intricately linked to this communicator style. Where the Impressionator travels, grief and loss are soon to follow. This always describes the two faces or masks worn by the same person. The impression-maker and the terminator. There is no bigger challenge in all the communication universe than to coexist with an Impressionator! You’d better buckle up and be prepared to be surprised and vilified. The going’s going to get rough. And guess whose fault that will be? Spell the answer along with me…Y-O-U-R-S!

Have you heard the sucking noises of your energy being drained away? Are psychic bodies left strewn all around the room or corporate table when the Impressionator really lets it all hang out? Then guess with whom you’re talking and get ready to learn some new smooth moves, to keep your wits about you and help lower your anxiety level.

WHO IS MS. OR MR. IMPRESSIONATOR?

Actually, Impressionators are remarkable communicators who produce powerful results by making you think what they want you to think, and, simultaneously, convincing you to fear a future loss by following a current recommended course of action. (Are you confused about why one would fear a future loss, then keep following the recommended course of action to cause the loss? Control, baby, control!) Between the lines of actual communication, charming, charismatic, aw shucks innocence is used to speak volumes of commands to you, netting these affects in you:

• You feel like you’re crazy when talks go bad with the Impressionator
• A tall wall is thrown up whenever you question the actions of an Impressionator
• Talking with the Impressionator is more painful than pulling teeth
• “It’s wasn’t my fault!” is always the stated and implied message
• Unnecessary business or personal blunders will be repetitively made and always rationalized
• Arrogant stubbornness: “Why should I always be the one who has to change?”
• Impressionators’ ears hear only what they want to hear, and it must always be in support of their beliefs and positions
• Almost everyone who doesn’t really know your special Impressionators will love them and think you’re SO lucky
• You feel treated like a second-class citizen, unimportant, led on, left hanging
• The very rules that you feel honor-bound to follow, will be broken by the Impressionator
• Corrective feedback is challenged with, “But I don’t always do that!”
• What you see in public is not what you get behind closed doors, when Jekyll becomes Hyde
• You can seldom get the Impressionator to follow-through on promises
• For awhile, you may be given or driven to the impression that the Impressionator is working hard to improve, when in fact he or she is still being lazy, making no changes for the better
  

In spite of all the heartache you’ve experienced, even after the countless times you’ve been hurt or let down, you will still feel sorry for the Impressionator.

A SLICK AND TRICKY COMMUNICATOR WHO SELLS ANYTHING WITH A CON-VINCING SMILE

Impressionators are slick communicators with lots of tricks up their sleeves, making you think what they want you to think. You may feel sorry for them, because you’ve heard their sob stories. Weirdly, Impressionators can’t — or won’t — fully commit to anything. In fact, Impressionators feel caught in the middle of a conflicting life, love, or career interests which creates unnecessary division, psychodrama, and discord.

AM I THE CRAZY ONE HERE?

Do you feel crazy whenever you’re around certain people? Chances are, that’s your Impressionator, your Teacher, s/he who requires you to power up your talk skills and be in the driver’s seat of your own life…n-o-w! Does your Impressionator make you feel bad, and by using “broadcast command words,” pull the wool over everyone’s eyes? Yeah, it’s dark in there! Beware of those in-between-the-lines-of-spoken-words commands that compel you to do what you’re told.

TRAITS OF THE GREAT IMPRESSIONATOR

Impressionators have magnetic personalities that engage you while draining your energy. What to look out for if you know this negative Instigator inventor communicator:

1. TWISTED THINKING. You never feel like you get a straight answer to a simple question, and even easy topics become complex psychological talk ventures with Mr. Impressionator.

2. IMAGE IS EVERYTHING. Ms. Impressionator is a gal who is an interpersonal politician who invents an image that is designed to sell others a good guy impression.

3. MAKES MESSES. If you trace his steps and actions, Mr. Impressionator makes one mess after another in his personal relationships and in his work.

4. BRINGS DOWN. Ms. Impressionator even has the nerve to complain about how people react unkindly to the very messes she makes in their living and working spaces. She brings good things down and entices you to work harder and harder to try and make her happy.

5. HAMMERS YOU. If you question Mr. Impressionator or assertively stand up to him, you will be hammered down with all sorts of rationalizations and justifications about why he’s right and you’re wrong.

6. CLOSENESS PHOBIC. Ms. Impressionator lives by The Best Little Whorehouse… movie musical lines: “Now you see me, now you don’t!”

7. CONFUSION. Mr. Impressionator ebbs and flows like the tides at the Outer Banks, while you get sunburned and feel confused…and then blame yourself for what went wrong.

8. A BOLD-FACED LIAR. Ms. Impressionator tells such big lies that you might just be tempted to think there’s some truth to them. The biggest lie of all: “There’s nothing I could have done differently, so it’s not my fault!”

9. HYPNOTIZER. Just because someone says something doesn’t make it so! Don’t be hypnotized by reverse psychology, because what Mr. Impressionator criticizes as your weakness, is in fact a pure strength of leadership.

10. LAZY BONES. Ms. Impressionator thinks winning means that you try harder and put more energy into the relationship than she does.

11. A MAGNETIC PERSONALITY. How cute and quaint that Mr. Impressionator sells everyone on his appearance of normalcy and niceness, while making you feel crazy but intrigued.

12. QUICK TO BLAME. Justifying how, “It’s not my fault, because people were doing it to me, so I couldn’t control it!” Fact is, you have a control freak, an anti-change, or rigid-thinking junkie on your hands.

13. IMPLIED MESSAGES. What isn’t said, what’s left out of the conversation, and what’s implied in statements are hypnotic messages meant to wear you down so you’ll agree with his or her viewpoint.

14. TERRIBLE TWOS. When Ms. Impressionator can’t have her way, she will pout and shout about how unfair you’re being, and then she’ll throw a temper tantrum that would put a two-year-old in stitches.

15. WEAR YOU DOWN. Mr. Impressionator doesn’t take no for an answer and will wear you down with logical arguments until you stop standing up for yourself.

16. RUNNING THE TALK MAZE. If you want to be close to her, Ms. Impressionator makes you feel like you have to run through a maze, until your head spins, you feel confused, and you have lost your way.

17. UNHAPPY. Mr. Impressionator is never truly happy, because nothing is ever quite good enough, and you could do his work much better than you are.

In my “real world” clinical studies of communicator types, from a sample study group of 470 “normal and everyday adult people from all walks of life,” 19.8% of all communicators (male and female) you run into just might be Impressionators.

IS A BIG STRAW STUCK IN YOUR SKULL AND YOUR ENERGY BEING SUCKED OUT?

Is your energy being drained? Energy levels need to be about the same in a positive relationship. Mr. or Ms. Impressionator changes the score of the game and the minutes left to play, because she lacks integrity, and he justifies unethical actions in business and romance. Do you like a good challenge? Then try to keep up with Mr. or Ms. Impressionator, who is neither hard working nor fun nor loving over the long haul.

THE WRONG WAY OF TRAVELING WITH THE IMPRESSIONATOR

The charming and smiling Impressionator is a negative Cagey Communicator guy or gal. Watch out because you will experience identity theft. You will get caught in the communicator Tar Baby of this calculating communicator who plays with a poker face.

ABOUT DAYTON COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.As the innovator of the Talk to Me© effective communication system, Dr. Dennis O’Grady’s approach to good communication produces results that will astonish you just when you thought all hope was lost. Dennis also provides business keynotes, corporate training and relationship communications coaching, in enjoyably interactive “real life” learning training formats.

I’M JUST A DUMB SALESMAN…JUST PUT IT TO ME IN ENGLISH

Do you view communication as a strategic poker game or like playing a good game of chess? I coach many executives who do just that. For example, Pete, a forty-something sales leader, put his spin on making communication strategic: “I view business as a poker game. You are constantly on view when you’re the head of a sales organization, so you must protect company information as well as your emotions. It’s critical to remain in control of your environment. Unfortunately, I take that level of apprehension and mistrust home with me far too many times.” Net result: Close relationships are negatively impacted as communication closes down.

PLAYING THE COMMUNICATION POKER GAME

Do you agree that improving communication makes for doing better business? Let’s find out if you win or lose by making these communication moves. Here’s how the poker game is played:

1. HIDE YOUR BLUFFS EXPERTLY. I hide what I have in my hand, and I play with a poker face. I don’t want to disclose that what I’m telling you is anecdotal or lacking in facts, until I know what your hand is. Till I see your cards, I can dance all day. Being protective of my hand prevents others from snagging information from me that they might use against me at some point in time, and it prevents me from divulging more information than I want. The point is to win the hand.

2. I DON’T LIKE TO LOSE. I like to win. I don’t like to lose because I’ll feel inferior. How I’m perceived is extremely important to me. I want to be viewed as having substantial integrity and professionalism. But to tell you the truth, I would like for people to describe me as a nice guy, someone they want to be around, not have to be around. Maybe it’s a longing to be liked. I feel bad when I’m not included, but I typically am included because I’m V.P. of Sales. Although I appear to take criticism well, it stills gnaws at me, fueling my inferiority feelings. The whole point is, I don’t like to lose because it triggers my feelings of inadequacy.

3. IT GIVES ME A SENSE OF MELANCHOLY. I don’t feel depressed, but I feel low. I’m not enthusiastic about anything, and I feel dejected. Seeing a psychologist indicates that I have failed. First of all, I screwed up. Secondly, why can’t I handle this alone? Thirdly, my sense of failure causes me to feel lousy. I define a failure as disappointing others and myself. Why? Because I’m supposed to be in control of my actions. I know the difference between the paths of right and wrong, and I’ve failed to make the correct choice. I chose the wrong path — shame on me. The point is, failure causes me to feel melancholy, because failure means I’ve disappointed someone.

4. TO CONTROL PRESSURE, YOU TRY HARD TO CONTROL THE SITUATION. So, you’re always thinking and trying to plan ahead. I have to manage this…and take care of that…and keep this person distanced from that person…and not let this person know that, but not let that person know this. It’s very calculating, there’s no question about it.

5. CRAFTY COMMUNICATION MOVES. I am very shrewd, but I will appease you by denying it. When confronted about being calculating, I will come back with, “I don’t think so.” Then you’ll say, “You’re really smart and shrewd,” and I’ll joke back, “I’m just a dumb salesman.” People will leave you alone and not push the issue when you tell them that. It works every time. “I’m just a dumb salesman, just put it to me in English.” It will disarm the person every time, and then I can move the agenda where I want it to go. Disarming is a better word than denying. In my mind, I’m not denying the truth, but I am disarming my communication partner.

6. CONTROL THE AGENDA, TOPIC, OR DISCUSSION. I control the agenda by deflecting the agenda of the other person. It gives me a sense of controlling my own life; someone else isn’t writing the rules. I deflect criticism, but I may or may not advance my agenda as a result. When I take this controlling stuff with me when I leave work…wanting to control the agenda, wanting to deflect criticisms, taking the “dog eat dog world” home…well, it doesn’t work out very favorably.

7. CHANGING PERSONAL AND BUSINESS COMMUNICATIONS. If I were adept at communicating at home, that would have a positive influence on how I handle communication in my business role. It could positively change some of the things I do. Hiding, deflecting, being disarming, winning at all costs, etc., doesn’t work out at home very well for me. Will articulating these hidden feelings actually help me score points with my spouse?

Successful leaders don’t often wear their feelings on their sleeves. But this same strategy of hiding emotions can wreak havoc at home, diminishing that feeling of intimacy. What can you do about it?

ARE YOU IMPROVING YOUR COMMUNICATION TODAY?

Goals help focus communication changes when you want to change. Here’s how Pete described his goals:

Goal #1: Re-instill and rejuvenate my relationship with my wife

Goal #2: Regain my self-confidence

Goal #3: Let go of feeling that I have to keep things close to my chest

Goal #4: Learn to better express my emotional state of mind

Goal #5: Communicate more candidly without fear of the conversation’s content being used against me

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady walks, talks, and works on both sides of Talk Street, using the same innovative and results-driven communication system he developed, TALK TO ME: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone. Are you licensed to drive on the two-way communicator highway? Are you sending out positive messages and obtaining effective relationship results with those around your communicator table? The same communication strategies which work effectively for you while you are on the job may not work equally well at home, unless you live with your co-workers. You deserve to be a proficient communicator. Consult soon with communications psychologist Dennis O’Grady, at (937) 428-0724.