All posts by : Dr. Dennis O'Grady

IMAGINED REALITY VS. REAL REALITY

“I’m just going to focus on what I can change for a change!” belted out one of my Empathizer-type communicators. “Why should I allow my partner, who won’t change, to lead me around like goat on a rope?” Well, the answers are here. Empathizer-type communicators struggle with putting themselves first, while Instigator-type communicators struggle with coming in anywhere except first! When E-types have negative feelings, it’s not a pretty sight to behold, and it certainly isn’t music to your ears, either. Get ready for fear-driven excuses galore! E-types can focus on all the bad things with ease. They back down from taking positive action in spite of fear for what may happen if they don’t. And E-types will see doom and gloom everywhere on their future horizons, as well.

WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BE SO NEGATIVE?

I-types can barely stomach negative Empathizers. Why? E-types will hop from one gloomy topic to another, with the ease of a trapeze artist doing flips in mid-air. Instigators (I-types) have little patience for E-types checking off a long list of “bad feelings” and “the whys and why nots” about change being next to impossible. Read what an Empathizer communicator had to say as she spoke with me about why her life wasn’t working out very well…

I think of as many negatives as I can in order to use them as excuses. I rationalize so I don’t have to take the next step forward. If I focus on everyone else, then I don’t have to deal with personal issues. It’s easier that way. Most people do that, especially women. If I focus on everyone else, then I don’t have to focus on ME. I would like to give myself good things. But I get stalled-out instead of moving on down the road.

Suppose you quit what if-ing? Can’t you quit what if-ing? Of course you can. But you might not run out of excuses any time soon. If fact, WHAT IF you quit WHAT IF-ING? You’ll find that change happens…almost like magic. You will experience the miracle of change.

E-TYPE OR ME-TYPE? NEGATIVE FEELINGS OF A DISTRESSED EMPATHIZER

The examples below are of negative and inaccurate beliefs which are recognized as the Talk to Me© system is explored and utilized. The subsequent mirror list, flips the negative beliefs into positive and accurate beliefs. If you’re an E-type, I would highly recommend the wisdom of being a ME-type. (I-type Instigators know what I’m talking about here!) Which of these do you prefer to embrace?

1. I can’t get motivated.

2. I focus on the bad things.

3. I try to change what is beyond my capabilities.

4. I don’t try to change those things which I could.

5. I go to extremes in thinking, such as, “I won’t ever be able to do something like that!”

6. I focus on my fears, like I’ve always done before.

7. I can’t sleep.

8. I’m in limbo and just kind of existing.

9. I don’t like to go out of my comfort zone. I like to stay in my little box…even if I’m not happy.

10. I wonder how the future might be, but I predict bad and even horrible events in my life.

11. I haven’t made up my mind yet if I will give myself good things.

12. I’ve fallen backwards.

So drop the fear-driven excuses…for a change. Stay focused on what you can change, my dear E-types, instead of allowing your energy to be drained by strong people you know, who don’t want to change. Why is it harder than hell for E-types to focus on giving good things to the Self or ignoring those who aren’t bringing good things to life? Well, it isn’t…not when you use the “me-first” strengths of the Instigator communicator.

POSITALKING: THE TRUTH ABOUT ME IS…

Here’s how to change negative thinking into positive energy:

1. I can motivate myself any time I want to!

2. I prefer to focus on the positive things…PMA…I’m huge on positive mental attitude!

3. I abandoned trying to change others!

4. I focus on changing myself into a better person!

5. I don’t go to the extreme of blaming others for mishaps in my life!

6. I dropped my former modus operandi of using fear to energize me like the energizer bunny!

7. I allow myself deep sleep!

8. I take charge of my life and move forward!

9. I gladly step out of my comfort zone!

10. I predict a wonderful future for me!

11. I’ve made up my mind to allow myself to have good things!

12. I’ll continue to move forward!

WHICH WAY IS IT GOING TO BE?

Which way is it going to be for you? I-types are better at, “It’s all about me!” Are you sulking right now or ticked off that you can’t have it your way? You’re doing a good job of looking at both sides of Talk Street. There is a negative side and a positive side. Are you excusing yourself from taking positive action by living in the shadows of negativity? Nah…you’re focusing on what you can change…for a change!

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST, DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dennis O’Grady walks, talks, and works on both sides of Talk Street, using the same innovative and results-driven communication system he developed, the TALK TO ME© effective communication system, and “street smart” Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone. Are you licensed to drive on the two-way communicator highway? Are you sending out positive messages and achieving effective relationship results from your virtual communicator table? Those communication strategies which are successful at work may not work as well at home, unless you live with your co-workers! You deserve to be a proficient communicator, and your talk partners deserve clear and concise communications from you. Consult this week with communications psychologist, Dennis O’Grady, by calling (937) 428-0724. Dr. O’Grady’s complete playbook of good talk, is called Talk to Me©, and is available at Amazon and through www.drogrady.com

DO YOU HAVE YOUR COMMUNICATIONS DRIVER’S LICENSE?

When you’re caught in a traffic jam, do you slam on your brakes and criticize yourself for making the mistake of coming this way? How unfortunate. Doing such a thing taxes your energy to the hilt and drains all your energy reserves. Furthermore, if you’re an Empathizer communicator, bad communications pull you down. If you’re an Instigator communicator, bad communications keep your head in the clouds. Accurate communication means talking positively and effectively to manage self-control when the world around you is spinning out of control…and when the situation warrants.

DO YOU TALK POSITIVELY TO YOURSELF (AND OTHERS) WHEN THE CHIPS ARE DOWN?

Do you want to stop the world from spinning so you can get off? Are you a lazy communicator who always gets mad because the communication lanes are backed up and moving so slowly you could get where you want and need to go faster if you got out and walked? Then take heed — you’re at a crucial energy intersection! The only choice you might have when you’re stuck in a traffic jam is whether you will conserve or waste your precious energy. How Talk to Me© communications trainees boost their energy:

1. ARE YOU REGISTERING MORE MILES TO THE GALLON AS YOU SPEED ALONG THE TWO-WAY COMMUNICATOR HIGHWAY?

It’s up to you what you consume to feed your body, heart, and mind. Getting as many miles to the gallon of energy as you can is a good thing, so keep a notebook — jammed full of every article and tidbit of communication wisdom that will inspire you to talk more effectively to yourself and to others — close at hand.

2. ARE YOU UP FOR DOING A GOOD DEED WHEN YOU FEEL BAD?

When you’re feeling bad, it’s the perfect time to send a positive e-mail of thanks. Or you can pick up the phone and leave a Wacky Wednesday funny voice mail that has much to do with nothing. It’s one way to gab in your communicator car with a passenger during a heavy rainstorm.

3. IS YOUR RADIO BLARING OUT BAD TUNES THAT GIVE YOU A HEADACHE?

Perhaps you worry too much or ignore issues that you ought to worry about more. No one needs these life volume extremes! You can change the channel on Worry Radio. Being kind to yourself means filling your mind with the optimism of chipper tunes or listening to Positive News stations. What trash are you feeding yourself? Don’t make Monday into Moan-day. Commit your Mondays to not listening to wimpy Negatalkers gossip like broken or scratchy records.

4. DO YOU REMAIN CALM WHEN YOU TAKE A WRONG TURN…OR DO YOU FUSS AND FUME LIKE AN IDIOT?

You probably know by now that getting mad at yourself — when you make a wrong turn and shred your self-esteem…or flip off the ditzy driver on the cell phone in the other lane who nearly ran into you…or snapping at your fellow passenger — doesn’t help you to correct mistakes any faster. But that has never stopped me! Being a communication champ means you can stop and ask for help and directions. Pull over and calm yourself down when you goof up and take a wrong turn. How? Let outside experts help you solve a problem that you cannot solve alone.

5. ARE YOU LISTENING TO HEAR?

Listen up! Are you here to hear? Do you fog up your windshield by repeating unfair criticisms you’ve heard voiced about you and which pop your self-esteem balloon? Why do we listen to negative feedback from people we don’t respect? Why don’t we listen to constructive feedback from people we do respect, then make an action plan that maps out new steps to improve our communication? Well, we do like to make things complex when they’re rather simple, don’t we? If you want to feel better fast, think of a little verse that’s uplifting, like, “When at first you don’t succeed, try, try, try…doing something different!”

6. DO YOU HAVE YOUR COMMUNICATIONS DRIVER’S LICENSE?

A big energy burn occurs when you’re made to feel small and insecure by a psychocritiquing, know-it-all guru teacher type who is practicing psychology without a license. You don’t need a layperson posing as a psychoanalyst. You choose to improve your communication skills, and by doing so, you become a more and more proficient driver on Talk Highway…and you enjoy the trip and scenery more. So, be kind to yourself and put yourself around positive people!

7. ARE YOU ALLOWING A NEGATIVE PERSON TO STEAL YOUR ENERGY?

Cagey Communicators make you work for them overtime, so they can gain the advantage of your energy. Energy expenditure ought to be about equal for all talk partners in healthy relationships. Are you allowing Toxic Communicators to spew out fumes around you? Is that why you’re feeling low in energy today? I’ll bet so. Perhaps it’s time to make a change of direction in your life plans….

In fact, going the extra mile and smiling provides you with much needed positive energy for the long haul.

GOOD COMMUNICATION ISN’T A FLUKE

Negatalking is artificial, not relevant — a bad habit you can break. Negativity doesn’t motivate Empathizer communicators to become better performers, nor does it inspire Instigator communicators to manage or better understand their complex emotions. All you need is a little driver’s education training, effective communication education, and coaching to become a better communicator. You can do this! Good communication isn’t a fluke, mind you.

WHY NOT GET YOUR DRIVER’S LICENSE IN GOOD COMMUNICATION TODAY?

Good communicators are taught to talk…not born to talk. You can make new communication moves to get along with anyone. Who’s that special someone you could get along with a whole lot better? Why, yourself of course! Why ride on the mood roller coaster by refusing to use self-management communication tools? “It’s my way or the highway!” closes down on-ramps to good communication. Throwing a fit by putting the pedal to the metal, or slamming down hard on the brakes to shock the idiot driver behind you, just disrupts your positive energy…in a big way.

TALK CLEAN TO YOU!

I saw an intellectual bumper sticker that read, “Talk nerdy to me!” That’s funny. It’s time to clean up your negative self-talk. Try this on for size, “Talk nice to me…ME!” Your confidence and energy will get a rocket boost just when you need it most.

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the developer of the TALK TO ME© effective communication system that will improve your communication skills fast in your personal relationships and at work, too. Why invest a few bucks and a little time to better your communication style in streamlined steps? Why not! Using bad communication is like throwing opportunities and money right out the window of your blue or burnt orange communicator car. Good communication pays big dividends, while the Blame Game drives you and your relationship — personal or professional — into a ditch.

Refusing to change the oil in your car means you will get partway down Talk Highway, but you will burn your engine out and need to call a tow truck. The TALK TO ME system is comprised of clear rules to make your trip down the two-way communicator highway effective and enjoyable. “The light bulb came on!” effect is just one of the key benefits you’ll receive when you personally use this innovative approach to good communication.

Don’t feel like you’re in the driver’s seat of your own life? Start preparing to get your license to drive on the two-way communicator highway right now! Get improved communication results that will benefit everyone with whom you correspond, in the workplace or at home. When you use the TALK TO ME© effective communication system, you’ll experience a communication trip you won’t soon forget!

GOOD COMMUNICATION FIRST BEGINS WITH ME

So, as an Instigator (I-type) communicator, you know that you’re a tough opponent when it comes to debating. And you fully realize that your Empathizer (E-type) talk partners are intimidated by your abilities to command and dominate a conversation. But at what expense? A good relationship with Empathizer communicators, perhaps? Empathizers will drop back, turn off, and keep their good opinions to themselves when rough-handled…and everyone loses.

BUILDING BRIDGES OF TRUSTING COMMUNICATION

I-types change their ways fairly easily when principles or rules of good talk are encouraged and used. You can practice the following Talk Exercises to increase your flexibility and responsiveness today, my dear Instigator-type communicators.

Principle #1: BUILDING TRUST STARTS AT THE TOP

Talk Exercise: Demonstrate flexibility, openness, and a willingness to engage in a two-way dialogue instead of a canned, one-way monologue, when you listen up.

Principle #2: KNOWING THE COMMUNICATION TYPE OF THE PERSON WITH WHOM YOU’RE TALKING IS THE “GOLDEN RULE” OF CREATING POSITIVE AND EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION

Talk Exercise: Determine through typecasting and by using the Communication Matrix, whether your co-communicator is an Empathizer-type (E-type) or an Instigator-type (I-type) communicator. No sweat, Sherlock! When the speaker matches your type, you know that an innate understanding exists. You already know that accidents on Talk Highway stem from being inflexible when talking with Empathizers. So, when talking with E-types, choose to drive in the lanes (emotion and talk words) that E-types prefer. For example, ask directive, value-added questions such as: “What passionate idea do you have that you think would work best to resolve this matter?”

Principle #3: THE TALK TO ME © SYSTEM WORKS, WHEN YOU USE IT

Talk Exercise: Realize that, when you interrupt E-types, they are going to feel that you don’t care, so you adjust your communication approach accordingly.

Principle #4: GOOD COMMUNICATION IS A TWO-WAY HIGHWAY, NOT A ONE-WAY STREET

Talk Exercise: Know that you can out-talk about anyone, so hop into the passenger seat and let the E-type drive. No, don’t criticize driving habits! Instead, talk less, keep your voice tone low, nod your head approvingly, take a deep breath and focus your conversation, and accept that the E-type is threatened by your conversational authority, which can easily become coercion to accept your offerings. You seek to help the E-type understand that you are a human being, not a robot or a human doing.

Principle #5: GOOD COMMUNICATION FIRST BEGINS WITH ME

Talk Exercise: As an I-type, you are self-educating, results-driven, and able to manage your communication style by studying and using communication tips found in The Friday Talk News. The light bulb came on for you and, “Now I know why my wife/husband does what she/he does, because s/he is an Empathizer-type communicator!” Continue to use this newfound knowledge daily to improve communication.

Principle #6: COMMUNICATORS DRIVE IN THEIR PREFERRED LANES, WHICH SOMETIMES PROHIBITS THE BEST OUTCOMES

Talk Exercise: Since you drive in the Beliefs and Behaviors lanes on Talk Highway, you maintain that the best ideas come from respectful debating. You also realize that Empathizer-type communicators hold back their ideas when this format is used. Accept that E-types often have solutions to the vexing problems which are annoying you, so get them to trust you and to articulate their resolution to your challenge.

Principle #7: LITTLE CHANGES NET HUGE REWARDS

Talk Exercise: Don’t feel you always have to get the last word in. You don’t have to steer a conversation to your viewpoint. You can hold two different ideas in your mind at the same time. Relax while sitting in the passenger seat of the ocean blue E-type communicator car and let the speaker do the driving and talking. As a result, the speaker will feel very upbeat, affirmed, heard, valued, and motivated to talk more openly.

Principle #8: PEOPLE WILL TALK ABOUT WHAT TOOLS WORK TO CO-CREATE GOOD COMMUNICATION

Talk Exercise: Ignorance isn’t bliss when it comes to your talk partner’s communicator preferences. Like a stone tossed into a pond, the message that ripples out from adopting the talk style of an E-type is, “We can just talk like two birds on a wire…so feel free to tell me what you really think and feel.” You no longer hold to this negative attitude: “If you don’t agree with me, you aren’t listening to me, and I am offended and irritated.” Make it a priority to let your talk partners know you have adopted new strategies for listening and talking, then demonstrate these strategies in your daily conversations.

Principle #9: THE ‘LIGHT BULB CAME ON’ EFFECT

Talk Exercise: You hold prejudices in your mind about E-types: E-types are wishy-washy. E-types too easily back down from a healthy confrontation. E-types won’t push on when times are tough. E-types feelings’ are so hurt that they can’t get past the past. You do believe E-types are very passionate and compassionate people who really care when the chips are down, and you also appreciate that both E- and I-type talk preferences are uniquely different, but not bad. Employ your new talk tools to insure the E-type that you value the input offered.

Principle #10: GOOD COMMUNICATION IS GOOD FOR EVERYONE

Talk Exercise: You’ve already loaded the Talk to Me© system into your work-mind, now load it into your home-mind, too, so your life partner can benefit equally from your training to become a better communicator. Practice the system daily in both components of your world.

Principle #11: THE MILLION DOLLAR QUESTION IS WHETHER YOU’RE EXPERIENCING POSITIVE RESULTS FROM BEING A MORE RESPONSIVE, OPEN AND FLEXIBLE COMMUNICATOR

Talk Exercise: When trust is built, you know the positive intention of traveling in open lanes of communication. When in doubt, ask: “What one thing can I do to improve my communications with you? I’ll do it for a week with no questions asked!” Then do it!

Principle #12: 50-60% OF THE SUCCESS OF ANY COMMUNICATION IS DUE TO WALKING THE TALK OF GOOD COMMUNICATION

Talk Exercise: On your desk or refrigerator, keep a note card that reads: “All (b)lame is lame because it knocks my communicator legs from under me!” Or, “I walk the talk of good communication because I’m flexible…responsive not reactive…open to trying new talk moves that work wonders.” Practice your new talk tools to demonstrate that you do walk the talk each day, in all you do.

I-TYPES LISTEN MORE…E-TYPES SPEAK OUT MORE

Way to go, my dear I-types. Tap on those brakes when you’re traveling at high speeds down foggy roads which are dripping with wet emotions. You don’t want to be misunderstood…and you don’t want to have it your way if doing so lands you in a ditch, so you’ll need to call a tow truck to pull you out. I can’t wait until you have another opportunity to use open lanes of communication with an Empathizer communicator. Stay tuned and drop in for a great communication ride!

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dennis O’Grady is a relationship communications coach, corporate trainer and pioneer of the innovative Talk to Me© effective communication system, which streamlines communication that is productive and useful, inside your head, inside your company, and inside your relationships. Communication mistakes and accidents plague us all, but the Talk to Me© approach to good communication will help boost your mood, keep your energy up, and free you from the tar baby of negative relationships or emotions.